America Triumphs on the 4th of July

July 5, 2016 - Jim Gaffigan 07/05/2016 Views: 13,425

NASA's Juno space probe enters Jupiter's orbit after a five-year journey, and competitive eater Joey Chestnut sets a world record for consuming 70 hot dogs in 10 minutes. (2:29)

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happy belated Fourth of July,everyone.

I hope you had an amazingweekend because mine truly was.

I actually got askedto join Taylor Swift's squad.

-Um... yeah.-(laughter)

She gives you the flag bikiniwhen she sends the text,

-so, um, it was really cool.-(laughter)

And what a great holiday,though, you know?

Getting the day off,celebrating independence.

It was the perfect timefor America

to achieve something historic.

After a nearlyfive-year long journey,

NASA's Juno spacecraftsent a message

from 540 million miles away.

NASA scientistsat the Jet Propulsion Lab

here in Southern Californiaare calling this

the hardest thingthey've ever done--

successfully puttinga spacecraft named Juno

into Jupiter's orbit.

MAN: After a 1.7 billion-mile journey,

we hit our burn targetswithin one second

on a target that was justtens of kilometers large.

Isn't that incredible?

Wait. Did he just bumpinto the mic?


While talkingabout how precise they are?


(applause and cheering)

There's... no room for error!

Every millimeter counts...

-Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry.-(laughter)

Sending a probe morethan half a billion miles away

and putting it in orbitaround Jupiter--

that is so amazing.

What's even more amazingabout America is that

that wasn't eventhe most amazing thing

that happened this weekend.

WOMAN: And Joey "Jaws" Chestnut has upset Matt Stonie

to regain the championship title at the annual July 4th

hot dog-eating contest at Coney island.

Chestnut downed 70 hot dogs and buns in ten minutes.

70 hot dogs and buns!

70 hot dogsand buns!

-70 hot dogs!-(laughter)

70... Do you guys knowwhat a...?

Do you know how many hot dogsthe winner ate in 1980?

-Do you know how many? Nine!-(laughter)

Nine. Nine was enoughto win you the title.

Today, that's the averagecustomer order, my friends.

-(laughter)-And what has changed?

Not the human body, but man'swill and determination.

That's what makes Americaso great--

an appetite for innovationin every realm.

-(laughter)-I mean, I'm jealous.

We don't have eating contestsin Africa. We don't.

Like, if you have food,you've already won.

-It's as simple as that.It's just that. -(laughter)

It's like, "Hey, you!Do you have hot dogs?

Then you are the winner!"

(laughter, applause)