let's getinto tonight's show,
and the start of week two
of the Donald Trump Presidency.
TV REPORTER: Chaotic scenes erupting at airports
around the world.
TV REPORTER: Protests all across the country.
TV REPORTER: Denounce President Trump's temporary ban
on travelers from seven mostly Muslim countries.
TV REPORTER: Lawyers descending on airports.
TV REPORTER: Chaos and confusion.
Is this the America thatwe believe in?
-Is this liberty?-CROWD: No!
Do you understand how insanethis is?
People in the airportwere pissed,
and it's not becausethey're at the airport.
Welcome to Trump's America.
That's how bad "The Donald" is.
No matter how badthe situation you're in,
Donald Trump can alwaysmake it worse.
Like, there could be peopletrapped in an earthquake
and still they'd be going,"Ah, ah.
"I can't believe Donald Trump'snew policies.
That guy was the lucky one."
It's official, people,
this weekend, Trump signedan executive order
putting his so-called Muslim banin to effect.
And I know most of you alreadyknow what's in it,
but just for the one person whodoesn't understand it fully,
let's take the time to explainwhat the ban means.
I know you don't actually write
or readany of those boring papers,
so let me explain to youwhat you did.
You banned everyonefrom seven Muslim countries
from entering the United States.
Even though you said your ban
was to protect Americafrom outside threats,
that ban included peoplewith green cards.
It even seemed to includedual citizens
of Canada or Britain,
or any other countryyou didn't plan to ban,
you silly billy.
Now go back to watching CNN.
Go back, go back, go back,go back.
By the way,this is just real quick.
This guy who was bannedfrom the U.K.,
his name is Zahawi, all right?
And he was a politician who,in the U.K.,
used to tweet about Brexit.
And he was like,"We need our country back.
We need to protect our borders,Brexit."
And then this weekend,he was like,
"America won't let me inbecause I'm a foreigner.
"How can Donald Trump do this?"
Comes around, baby.Comes around.
(cheers and applause)
Now, now because Donald Trumpput this thing together
with all the considerationof a drunken Vegas wedding,
it's no surprise that it endedwith devastated families.
TV REPORTER: Families separated for hours,
including this 5-year-old boy.
TV REPORTER: The Cleveland clinic doctor,
she was forced to leave, even though she holds
an H-1B Visa for workers in specialty occupations.
TV REPORTER: Hameed Darweesh is a 53-year-old Iraqi.
He had helped the U.S. military
for ten years in Iraq as an interpreter.
TV REPORTER: Fuad Sharef and his family, Iraqi refugees,
planned to make their move to the U.S. yesterday,
his family given the visa, because he risked his life
working with the U.S. government.
I don't know what to dobecause I sold my house.
I quit my job.
Now, if ever there's a storyof being screwed over,
A man risked hisand his family's life
to help America's effortsin Iraq,
and now he's being turned away?
He can't go home.
He sold his house.
He quit his job.
And also, 'cause anyonegoing out like that,
you know he burned a few bridgeson the way out.
Like, no one's leaving Iraq
coming to Americawithout making a show.
He was probably like, "Malik.Who's going to America?
"Not you. Boom.
Who's out? I'm out."
(humming "The StarSpangled Banner")
"I'm out of here."
He can't go back.
Now, one of the advantagesof being president
is that you get to decideforeign policy
without consulting anyone.I understand that's a perk.
But only a Trump administrationwould fail to inform itself
as to what was going on.
Sources toldour Homeland Security reporter
that senior-level officialsat DHS
did not have meaningful warningof the details.
Homeland Security scrambledto understand and enforce it.
John McCain and Lindsey Grahamsay they're caught off guard.
Exclusion of General Mattis.
No guidance provided to Customsand Border Protection.
What kind of a slapdash,arts-and-crafts administration
are these fools running?Think about it,
even the border officials,even the border officials
didn't understand the ban.
They had to enforce it,and they didn't understand it.
They were probably askingthe refugees to help them.
They're just like, "Hey,do-do you know what this means?
Do you know what it means?"And the guy was like, "Uh, yeah,
"I think it meansyou should be sending me back
even thoughI have correct paperwork."
"I just... I know it sound... Itjust feels a little draconian.
I don't wantto seem like an asshole."
"Hey, don't worry.We all have jobs, my friend.
"Your job, your job isto enforce an irrational ban.
"My job is to go home and die.
Huh? We all have jobs."
Now, if you're wonderingwhere President Trump was
when airports around the countrywere in chaos...
Right now, on the schedulefor the president,
he is hosting a family screeningof Finding Dory
in the White House theater.
"Don't disturb me!
"I don't care what's happeningat the airports.
"I'm watching a movieabout families being separated!
Who is this man?And, by the way,
who hasn't watched Finding Dory yet?!
This man is not fitto be president!
-Not fit!-(cheering and applause)
To comment on President Trump'simmigration bla... ban,
please welcome Hasan Minhaj,everybody!
(cheering and applause)
I'm sorry, Hasan.I'm just... I'm...
Like, right now,I can't even talk.
I can't even imagine what it'slike to all of a sudden have
the United States label Muslimsas inherently threatening, man.
(chuckles)I'm not surprised.
You know, in the past,America has had lots of issues
with Muslims and immigration.
You know, President Carterbanned Iranians,
Bush built a registryof immigrants
from 24 Muslim countries,
Obama suspended refugeesfrom Iraq.
But Trump is taking this thingto a whole new level.
I mean, those other presidentswere just dipping their toes
in the pool. Now Trumpstraight-up did a cannonball
and then felt up the lifeguard.
And, by the way, shout-outsto all my Republican friends
who promised meTrump would never do this.
I don't think any of the peoplewho are screaming
at the top of their lungs thinksfor a moment that, uh,
that is a literal...
uh, that a literalinterpretation would be Muslims.
That's not a real proposal.It's not...
it's not somethingthat's going to happen.
I don't think you can takea lot of that seriously.
He's not gonna ban all Muslims.
What the (bleep)?
So we are getting banned?
Well, Hasan, Hasan, technically,
technically, uh,you're a citizen,
so this ban doesn't affect you.
We're on day 11, man!
Where do you thinkthis is gonna go?!
It's like watching the firstepisode of Breaking Bad
thinking, "Oh, it's justa science teacher cooking meth.
It can't get any crazier."
But it does.
Well, Has-Hasan,now-now, jokes aside--
and this is...this is completely true--
-you actually flew into JFKAirport this weekend, -I was.
uh, as Trump's executive orderwas being implemented.
That is correct.And I was scared
-that I wouldn't be allowedback in. -Wow.
Where-where were you flying infrom? Were you flying from Iran,
Iraq or Syria or...?
the Syria of the West.
No. I mean...No, jokes aside though.
On-on the real,on the real though, like,
you're a Muslim person.You're seeing this happening,
You must really hatePresident Trump right now.
Well, actually, Trevor,I'm not sure.
Nah, 'cause, usually, beinga Muslim in an airport sucks,
but, this weekend,it was like I was the Weeknd.
I mean, I land at JFK, I get...I get to the arrivals section.
Literally, three white peoplerun up to me,
hug me, and say,"Thank you for being Muslim."
I'm 31 years old.
That's the first time anyone hasthanked me for being Muslim.
And-and what did you...what did you say to them?
I said what any Muslim would sayto them in that situation.
"Do you knowwhere Baggage Claim 5 is?"
But how can I hate Trumpright now?
H-How do you do it? Just look atwhat he's done at the airport.
White women were turningtheir scarves into hijabs.
Muslims were publicly praying,
and peoplewere cheering them on!
Do you understand?Muslims publicly praying
at the airport!
Think about how crazy this is!
-(cheering and applause)-Because of Donald Trump,
people were being niceat the airport!
Here's the beautiful irony.
For years,Donald Trump has been terrified
about the spread of Islamin America.
Well, congratulations,Mr. President.
Thank you, Hasan.Hasan Minhaj, everybody!