But let's get to the big news.
One week from today
the presidential electionwill be over,
and that day cannot comesoon enough,
because not only is it ruiningthe country,
it's ruining my Fridays.
Every Friday afternoon--you think I'm joking--
but every Friday afternoon,
some new huge breaking storyrocks the political world.
The pussy grab tape,Friday afternoon.
The DNC hack, Friday afternoon.
Hillary's secret speechtranscripts, Friday afternoon.
TGIF used to meanThank God it's Friday,
now it stands for"This Government is (bleep).
(laughter and applause)
And last Friday afternoon, lastFriday afternoon, like usual,
we got another bombshell.
TV REPORTER: The FBI's Clinton bombshell.
TV REPORTER: A blockbuster double-barreled
October surprise from FBI Director James Comey.
He is investigating Hillary Clinton and her server again.
He says this in connectionwith an unrelated case,
the FBI has learned of the existence of e-mails
that appear pertinent to the investigation.
Oh, you thought the emailscandal was over?
Well, it turns out,Comey don't play dat!
And-and look at how the scandalhas effected everything.
Before last week, Hillary hadthis election in the bag.
Trump had been outedas a pervert
who tries to conceal the sizeof his tiny hands
-by hiding them inside vaginas.-(laughter)
Hillary wasn't just winning,I mean,
she was measuring the drapesin the Oval Office,
and making sure she hada pantsuit to match.
But now since Comey's completelyambiguous revelation,
Hillary's lead has beencut in half,
and it turns out the only thingworse than this discovery
was how it was discovered.
TV REPORTER: Those emails found on a laptop
belonging to Anthony Weiner,
the husband of Clinton's long-time aid Huma Abedin,
currently under investigation
for sexting with a purportedly underaged girl.
Are you kidding me?
Hillary Clinton,30 years of public service,
and her whole life is goingto be taken down
by this guy's dick pics?
You know what this feels like?
You know what this feels likein a way?
It feels like this is the penis,the penis itself
trying one last timeto stop the vagina
from getting intothe White House.
Like, it seems likeAnthony Weiner's penis
is sacrificing itself for allthe other penises out there
just diving in front of theelection like,
(cheers and applause)
And, by the way, by the way, ifyou don't know Anthony Weiner,
this is not the first timehis dick
has blown up in everyone's face.
TV REPORTER: It came from Congressman's Anthony Weiner's
Twitter account over the weekend,
a photo of an anonymous man's bulging underwear.
Is that a photograph of you?
We're tryingto find out the s...
where that photograph came from.
Congressman Anthony Weiner
resigns amid intense pressure over his sexting scandal.
REPORTER: Disgraced former congressman Anthony Weiner
wants another shot at political life.
REPORTER 2: Former congressman Anthony Weiner
enters the New York City mayor's race.
Anthony Weiner caughtin a sexting scandal yet again.
REPORTER 3: Weiner has now plummeted
to fourth place in the polls.
REPORTER 4: Weiner lost by a very wide margin.
REPORTER 5: Weiner was caught sexting yet again.
REPORTER 6: Perhaps worst of all, Weiner allegedly
sent out a picture of the couple's son,
climbed into bed with him while he was sexting.
It's like this guyis trying to see
how many timeshe can end his career.
He's gonna goto medical school next.
They'll be like,"Congratulations, Dr. Weiner,
here's your diploma."And he'll be like,
"Uh, here's your dick pic,I'm out."
And if you don't know muchabout Anthony Weiner,
all you need to know is, uh,
he's a guy who's knownfor sexting total strangers.
He once pretendedhis name was Carlos Danger,
which is the only namethat sounds more fake
than Tony Weiner,
and he texted a womannamed Sydney Leathers
that he promisedto bang her so hard
that her tits wouldhit her in the face. Yes.
Uh, once again, a politicianmaking empty promises.
This (bleep) is so crazy
and at the same timethe story is so Shakespearean...
You know, think about it.
Hillary survivesBill's sex scandal,
but now gets a scandalfrom her top aide's husband
and it was Billwho married them.
Not to mention that Trump
got his sex scandalfrom Billy Bush,
whose uncle was defeatedby Hillary's husband
before Trump later defeatedhis cousin Jeb!
There are only, like,
15 charactersin the entire story.
Now, because Weiner's sextinghas potentially exposed
new Hillary e-mails,the investigation
is facing a-a time crunch.
And fortunately,the FBI has a plan.
REPORTER: FBI forensic experts have developed a program
with key search terms, and the process
of sifting through the records
on Anthony Weiner's computer has begun.
You know, I-I feel so badfor those FBI agents.
Think about it-- you wentthrough the grueling training,
you dreamed of taking downmob bosses and serial killers.
And now, you're basicallyliving the life
of a harassed woman on Tinder.
Dick pic. Dick pic.
Dick pic. Dick pic.Oh, wait, there's a fa...
Nope, that's anupside down dick.
Dick pic. Dick pic.
You know what wouldmake the story even crazier?
Is if Donald Trumppredicted this over a year ago.
Trump was one of the peoplesounding the alarm
about Anthony Weiner's proximity
to sensitive informationearly on.
Huma, now, is one of the people
that it all sort ofcame through Huma.
Who is Huma married to?
One of the great sleazebagsof our time--
You know, the littlebing, bing, bing, bong, bong.
So, Huma is getting
Do you think there's evena five percent chance
that she's not tellingAnthony Weiner,
now of a public relations firm,
what the hell is coming across?
Where was Trump--in a revival tent?
The way he's talking aboutthat story--
"Any of this..." It's likehe's casting out demons.
"And then I said to the demon...
"I said to the demon,'Get out, demon!'
"Bing, bing, bong, bong.
"Uh, bing, bing, bong, bong,get out, demon!
"I cast you out now, demon!
He sounded like a madman.That was a year ago.
But when Trump was shouting,"Bing, bing, bong, bong,"
he was actually making sense.Even though he looks and talks
like Beaker from The Muppets.
Bing, bing, bing, bong, bong.
Yeah, Trump-Trumpis the-the one on the left.
The one on the right...the one on the right
is more qualifiedto be president.
Now, can you imagine...can you imagine
what the Founding Fatherswould think of this election?
Have you everthought about that?
Because they don't havedick pic scandals, you know?
I mean, partly because back thenyou had to employ an artist
to do an oil paintingof your member.
But... I'll tell you this.I know a lot of people
are thrown by thisAnthony Weiner scandal.
And there's one thing we shouldlearn from all of this is
Anthony Weiner--he needs to start
using his dick pics for good.
No, seriously.He's-he's so talented
at getting attentionpaid to his penis.
Think about it--this scandal was gone
and his penis has broughtthe e-mails back.
He needs to harness that power
to raise awarenessfor important issues.
He should put a polar bearon a melted arctic ice cap
in the background. Yeah.And then people would be like,
"Did you seewhat happened with that?
We've got to investigateclimate change."
Some people see sextingscandals, I see a cockortunity.