It's time...it's time to talk about health,
and here to help me is our veryown Michelle Wolf, everybody.
Thank you.Thank you, Trevor.
I am so excitedto be here with you
on your last week before you getdeported by President Trump.
It's true.And as a...
as a parting gift,I co-I come bearing good news.
There could soon be a new formof birth control available.
And this one is for men.
REPORTER: An international studyfound experimental
birth control injections for men
are almost as effectiveas the Pill for women.
REPORTER: It was 96% effective in reducing sperm count.
Wow!That's what I'm talkin' about!
Thank you, Michelle.Birth control for men!
-Yeah! Birth control!-Yeah.
-That is truly fantastic,Michelle. -All right,
let's calm downthe premature elation.
Because it turns out the onething men could pull out of
was the study.
The study was halted early because of concern
over the number of side effects, including mood swings,
depression, acne, and increased sex drive.
Aw. Poor men couldn't completethe birth control study
because it gave you pimplesand made you moody!
You guys call thatside effects--
I call that day fourof a fairy tale period!
Yeah, that's right, in my fairytale, there are pimples.
Geez, Michelle,on-on behalf of all men,
I-I would like to apologize.
At the slightest inconvenience,you immediately surrendered.
It's like you got to the beachesof Normandy and were like,
"I can't fight.The weather makes me sad."
Men are such little bitches!
I mean, one of the side effectsis increase sex drive!
How do you menalways end up winning?
I mean, the shot may as wellbe called More Sex, Less Babies!
(cheering and applause)
actually, I think it's...grammatically,
-it's "fewer babies,"not "less..." -Okay, this is
not the time for grammar.
You do realize,when we take the Pill,
we getall those adverse side effects
and it decreases our sex drive.
And it causes blood clots
and strokes that can kill us.
Now that...now that I think about it,
side effects are the only areawhere women earn more than men.
It's true. We could earn more.
First, men were like, "I can'tfeel anything with condoms."
And now men are like,"Because of birth control,
I feel too much."
What are you,(bleep) Goldilocks?
And if that botched study wasn'tbad enough for the ladies,
unlike a man,bad news keeps on coming.
Oral cancer among menis on the rise.
A new study finds oral cancer jumped some 61%
between 2011 and 2015.
Researchers said the increasemay be linked to HPV
and the fact that the youngermen are more sexually active.
Younger men are more likely to perform oral sex
under the assumption it is safer
than traditional intercourse.
Going down on a womancauses cancer?
That is the one thing we had!
You guys were just gettingthe hang of it!
And now they have an excuseto stop?!
Well, Michelle, this...Look, this is unfortunate news,
but at the end of the day,that study...
Oh, now you wantto finish a study?
Well, no, no, Michelle,the scientists said going down
on a woman could causeoral cancer.
And cancer is no joke.
Don't bull(bleep) me!
They say everythingcauses cancer.
They say cell phonescause cancer,
and you still put your faceall over that.
They say red meat causes cancer.
You got no problem eating that.
But now maybe vaginascause cancer,
and all of a suddenyou're Captain Caution?
But, Mi... but, Michelle,what if we die?
Well, if you're going to dieof cancer,
you may as well diewith me happy!
I will make sure your namelives on.
I will scream it overand over and over!
And you may dieof throat cancer,
but you will definitely diea hero!
-(cheering and applause)-Michelle Wolf, everybody!