-You guys I'm a alittle tips-Mm-hm
- Hello, I am Lyric Lewis.
Wait.Let me take that again.
Hello, I'm Lyric Lewis
and today we are talkingabout Julia Child.
- To Julia.- To Julia.
So, Julia, she had a very humdrum life.
She's like, super tall.
She's like, dumb tall.
Julia never ate anything but canned or processed food,
but then she's like, you know what?
She's like, I'm gonna be a spy.
So she applies to be a spy for the OSS,
which is the Office of--[belches]
Um, the Office of Strategic Serdises.
The Office of Strategic Services
in Washington, DC, which will later become the CIA.
So, one day her bosscomes to her
and her boss is like, yo,
I need you to come up with shark repellent
for bombs underwater.
But that was, like, her fist glimpse into cooking
and into, like, espionage work,
so she gets a bowl, she mixes up shark repellent.
She's like, I'm gonna add glue, stick some bombs,
she's like, I'm gonna add some gun powder.
And she's like, I'm not gonna add blood
because sharks will like blood.
She adds stuff that's, like, against blood.
The sharks are like, I don't want to--
[nibbles] I don't want to bite it.
And Julia's like, cool cool cool, tight tight tight.
Oh, excuse me.
Later comes 1944.
She volunteers to go to Sri Lanka.
Sri Lanka's like, hey girl, hey.
And she's a secretary for this office
where they're working for American soldiers
in guerilla warfare, so she's like, doing that shit.
So it's, like, kinda gritty
but it's still, like, a secretary
but she's like, yeah, what paperwork?
She's 31 and she's readyfor a man
to get up in all 6-- 6 feet, 3 inches of that.
She's like, I'm ready to mingle.
She's like, I'm ready for a penis in every position.
Julia's like, super horny.
- Hey now.- Right?
And she looks up and she sees Paul.
She sees Paul. Paul is a vision to her.
He's a tall, tall drink of water.
Tall glass of milk.
Tall glass of almond milk if you're a vegan.
Tall glass of soy milk if you're a vegetarian.
Tall glass of goat milkif you don't like cows.
- And Julia's like, that is a man and I got to get him.
He's like a nerd.
Paul's like, hey, everybody.
Who wants to play Scrabble later?
Ha ha ha!
And Julia's like, you don't even know
how sexy you are, Paul.
I will drink your bathwater.
Julia before Paul,she only ate processed food,
canned foods, creamed corn,
everything out of a can so Paul was like,
your palate is so [bleep] basic and I'm showing you a new life.
So they ate all these exotic foods together
and Julia was like, [bleep] me,
and Paul was like, yes, bitch, where have you been?
She was like, oh, my God, this man is amazing.
My palate is developing.
I'm into him and she was feeling him
and Paul was like, no, not yet.
Because I'm feeling Jane Foster now.
Jane is a [bleep] spy.
Like, she's a spy.
Do you hear me?She's a [bleep] spy.
Jane is, like, out in the field.
She's [bleep] shooting people.
Paul, he liked Jane a lot because she was sexy,
and Julia was doing office work so it's like,
who wants the pencil pusher
when you can get the makerof the wood?
'Cause I feel like Janewas making wood, right?
Jane was like, no, you're mad corny to me.
But we're friends.
So they're hanging out and then Paul,
he looks at Julia and he's like,
Julia, you tall but you cute, you know what I mean?
So Julia was like, yes.
Paul, I want to continue this.
We need to take a road trip
because that's how people really get to know each other
and know if they want to be together.
And Paul was like, cool cool cool, tight tight tight.
So then at the end of the war,they went back home.
They pack her Buick full of clothing
and then she's like, oh, I'm gonna pack
a soup thermos full of pre-mixed martinis.
And a bottle of vodka because this is back in the day
when there wasno open container laws,
so they set offand Paul is like, yes!
Julia is like, yes!
The police on the road I'm sure are like,
yes, girl, go get your man!
- So they fell in love and they got married.
Him and Julia was like,
okay, cool cool cool, tight tight tight,
and then they get to go to France.
So she goes to France and she's like,
what is all this food, this croissants, these--
you know what I mean?
Like, these espressos and stuff like that.
She's like, the chicken.
And so she enrollsin Le Cordon Bleu
of all places.
And she's like, doing all these French foods
and they come back to America,
and this--this late--this late in the game
is when Julia Childthat we know comes to life.
She has all these books, she's huge on TV.
We have the French culinary know-how
that we got from Julia Child.
Paul is like, cool, I'm proud of you.
She's a big bitch but I love her.
He was an amazing husband to her.
He loved her.
She was an Amazon.
He loved her.
- Did you ever see the websitethat he created for her?
- You've never beento amazon.com?
- Shut your mouth.
- Well, 'cause youcalled her Amazon.
- Shut your mouth, Derek.
I--I thought it wasa real website
dedicated to Julia Childby Paul Child and like,
he was like,
"She's a Big BitchBut I Love Her Volume Five."
And so they were very happy
and she became this huge success,
and it was all because of Julia's career as a spy
in espionage and because of Paul Child.
Bing bang boom.
I keep--I'm so sorry.
I'm so embarrassed.I keep burping.
- 'Cause ladies don't burpand I try to be a lady.
- But it'll also be on TV
and it'll be great.
- And then people will be like,she's a real person.
Cool cool cooltight tight tight.