(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> STEPHEN: WELCOME TO "THE
REPORT"!
THANKS SO MUCH FOR JOINING US!
NATION --(AUDIENCE CHANTING "STEPHEN")
NATION --(AUDIENCE CHANTING "STEPHEN")
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> STEPHEN: NATION, THANK YOU
SO MUCH!
NATION, THANK YOU SO MUCH FORYOUR LOVE AND ADULATION TONIGHT.
I NEED IT MORE THAN EVER BECAUSEIF YOU HAVE BEEN WATCHING THE
NEWS, YOU KNOW IT'S BEEN A TOUGHWEEK FOR, LET'S SAY HUMANS.
(LAUGHTER)FROM BATTLES IN GAZA TO RUSSIA
SHELLING UKRAINE TO TALIBANADVANCES IN AFGHANISTAN, THEY'RE
NOT RELEASING ANY MORE NEW WEIRDAL VIDEOS.
(LAUGHTER)FOLKS, WE ARE FACING A SITUATION
I'VE ALWAYS FEARED -- THINGSMIGHT ACTUALLY BE AS BAD AS WE
MAKE THEM SOUND ON CABLE NEWS.
(LAUGHTER)>> THE WORLD ON FIRE.
FROM THE MIDDLE EAST TO UKRAINETO LIBYA.
>> THE WORLD IS ON FIRE.
RUSSIA ROCKETING UKRAINE.
ADD ISRAEL AND GAZA.
ILLEGALS FLOODING OUR BORDER.
>> THE WORLD IS A MESS RIGHTNOW.
>> IT ABSOLUTELY IS.
>> THE WORLD IS BURNING.
>> TO PUT IT MILDLY, THE WORLDIS A MESS.
>> STEPHEN: MADELINE ALBRIGHT,WHOSE FAMILY WAS FORCED INTO
EXILE BY THE GERMAN INVASION OFCZECHOSLOVAKIA IN 1938, SAYS THE
WORLD IS A MESS.
(LAUGHTER)AND FOR HER, NAZI EXILE IS A
FOND CHILDHOOD MEMORY.
(LAUGHTER)FOLKS, I DON'T ENJOY COVERING
THIS KIND OF HEART WRENCHINGNEWS, AND NEITHER DOES MY
NETWORK.
MOUNTING DEATH TOLLS DO NOT MOVEA LOT OF JACK LINK'S JERKY.
(LAUGHTER)THEY'RE JUST GOOD PEOPLE TRYING
TO SELL SOME QUALITY SASQUATCHMEAT.
(LAUGHTER)BUT IT'S MY DUTY AS A NEWSMAN TO
GRIT MY TEETH AND BRING YOU THEMAJOR STORIES, NO MATTER HOW
HARD IT MAY BE TO SAY IT.
VERY HARD TO SAY IT.
(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE)
AND WITH THAT IN MIND, I BRINGYOU MY NEW SEGMENT: I NEED A
DRINK.
(LAUGHTER)OKAY.
(APPLAUSE)JIMMY, I'M NOW READY FOR THE BIG
STORY.
>> INTENSIVE ATTACKS IN THE PAST24 HOURS.
>> MORE EXPLOSIONS IN GAZA.
>> TWO DEADLY BLASTS MONDAY. THE FIRST KILLING TEN
PEOPLE, MOSTLY CHILDREN PLAYINGON THIS BUSY STREET.
>> DEATH SPREAD ALL AROUND.
>> >> STEPHEN: OKAY.
THIS BEER JUST GOT OUTGUNNED.
(APPLAUSE)(LAUGHTER)
>> STEPHEN: ALL RIGHT.
LET'S DO THIS.
ISRAELIS AND PALESTINIANS.
WHAT YOU'VE GOT HERE IS THEVIOLENT CONSEQUENCE OF DECADES
OF VICTIMIZATION AND UNPROVOKEDAGGRESSION.
I THINK YOU KNOW WHICH SIDE I'MTALKING ABOUT.
IT'S THE --(MUFFLED SPEECH INTO THE GLASS)
OKAY.
I'M ONE FOR ONE.
WHAT ELSE YOU GOT IN THE OLDNEWS HOPPER?
>> A TROUBLING ESCALATION INFIGHTING IN UKRAINE.
>> RUSSIA IS DIRECTLY, DIRECTLYATTACKING UKRAINE WITH DEADLY
FORCE.
>> FIERCE FIGHTING NEAR THEWRECKAGE OF MALAYSIA AIRLINES
FLIGHT 17.
>> STEPHEN: AH-HAAAA, THEY'REFIGHTING NEAR THE SITE OF LAST
WEEK'S PLANE CRASH WHICH I HADALMOST MANAGED TO FORGET ABOUT
OKAY!
(LAUGHTER)(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
TELL YOU WHAT, NEXT WEEK, SYRIAMAYBE YOU COULD STOP BY WITH
YOUR NERVE GAS AND TURN THISHORROR DOUBLE-HEADER INTO AN
ATROCITY-DUCKEN!
COME ON, NEWS!
THAT'S ALL YOU GOT?!
>> TALIBAN GUNMEN STOPPED THREEMINI BUSES FRIDAY AND SIMPLY
SHOT 14 PASSENGERS TO DEATH.
>> STEPHEN: OKAY.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)LET'S MOVE ON FROM THE
INTERNATIONAL STORIES.
HOW ABOUT SOME SCIENCE STORIES?
THEY CURE ANY BIG DISEASESLATELY?
>> THIS IS THE LARGEST EBOLAOUTBREAK WE'VE EVER SEEN IN
HISTORY.
(LAUGHTER)(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHTER)(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
(EMPTYING DRINK WITH STRAW)>> STEPHEN: EBOLA, HUH?
GOOD THING I STOCKED UP ON THEBROWN PURELL.
(LAUGHTER)SO TO RECAP, EVERYTHING IS THE
WORST, AND WE'RE ALL GOING TO BESAD FOREVER.
AT LEAST WE HAVE HOLLYWOOD TODISTRACT US.
YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD CHEER ME UP?
THE COMEDIC STYLINGS OF A BRASSYAND LOVEABLE DAME WHO HAS SEEN
THE WORST AND COME OUT ON THEOTHER SIDE WITH A SONG IN HER
HEART AND SMILE ON HER FACE.
>> FAMED HOLLYWOOD AND BROADWAYSTAR ELAINE STRITCH HAS DIED.
>> STEPHEN: (BLEEP) THAT.
OKAY.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
LET'S GO TO THE HARD STUFF.
THERE YOU GO.
(LAUGHTER)(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
>> STEPHEN: THIS ALCOHOL ISISO-PROPRIATE.
(LAUGHTER)WELL, THAT CONCLUDES "STEPHEN
COLBERT'S I NEED A DRINK," WHICHFOR THE RECORD DID NOT WORK.
EITHER THIS BOOZE IS BROKEN, ORTHE NEWS IS TOO SOBERING.