-(laughter)-But let's get straight into it.
If this morning youfinally woke up from a coma,
well, you might want to go back.
NEWSMAN: The most stunning upset in political history...
NEWSMAN: It's Trump.
Donald Trump will be
the next president of the United States.
You know what,no matter how many times
I hear that...
it still doesn't seem real.
-WOMAN: Yeah.-It still doesn't feel real.
I mean, look at...This is the newspaper today.
-Look at that. Look at that.-(jeering)
It looks... it...He can't hear you.
It's a newspaper.It doesn't matter.
Like, it looks like a jokefrom April Fools, you know?
And even then,people would be like,
"That's not a funny joke, man."
This-this entire result is...it's sort of like Trump's hair--
I know it's real,but my mind can't accept it.
You know? Because it looks likehe's wearing his hair backward.
Like, everything...everything is backward.
I mean, I don't understandhalf of this.
Hillary Clinton lostby getting more votes.
No, seriously.She lost by getting more votes.
Trump got 200,000 fewer votes,
but he won the presidency
because he had279 electoral votes.
Because that's how it worksin America.
You don't need the most votes,
you just needthe electoral college.
So once again,Donald Trump benefits
from a bull (bleep) college.
-(laughter)-And... and by the way...
and by the way,I'm not saying it's bull (bleep)
because I'm sour or anything.
I'm just quotingthe president--
sorry, the president elect-- who said it himself.
Yeah. There you have it.Donald Trump calling it corrupt.
And we did it,we just went through his tweets.
And I'm sorry, Donald,that's what happens
when you get a new job--people dig through your tweets.
NOAH: I genuinely cannot believethis has happened.
Even the Trumps can't believethat this happened.
This was them last nightwatching the results.
Look at those faces!
Look at his face!
Look at that man.
That is the face of a manwhose bluff has been called
and he's only holding a two.
And now that facewill be the face
that represents Americato the world.
That is the facethat will address the nation
after a tragedy.
That is the facethat will command
the most powerful militaryin the world.
and now... Trump.
One of these thingsis not like the other.
And if you're thinkingit's Obama because he's black,
you probably voted for Trump.
Donald Trump, however, did givea victory speech last night,
and, like most terrible thingsin your life,
it happened at 3:00 a.m.on the streets of New York.
I've just received a call
from Secretary Clinton.
And I congratulated herand her family
on a very,very hard-fought campaign.
Hillary has worked...
very long and very hard
over a long period of time,
and we owe her a major debtof gratitude for her service
to our country.
-(cheering, whistling, applause)-I mean that very sincerely.
Aw. Say what you wantabout Trump--
his reading has really improved.
Yeah, a lot more presidential.
And I'm gonna be honestright now.
I was genuinely surprised bythe tone of this entire speech.
Trump was gracious,he was humble,
he was compassionate.
I'll tell you now,if that guy ran for president,
he also would have lostto Donald Trump.
With how vitriolicthis election has been,
and with how much trashTrump has talked,
I was genuinely expecting hisspeech to sound more like this.
(in Cartman's voice): Nah nah nah nah nah nah.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah.
How would you like to suck my balls?
That's what I was waiting for.
That is what I was waiting for.
But I-I was,I was honestly surprised.
Donald Trump came outand he was really great.
And I think what we needto do now,
is try and lookon the bright side, you know.
Since Trump won the election,
no one can deny that he has been
a phenomenal president-elect,right?
It's been a great 19 hours.
In fact,I say we use this opportunity
to start over with Trump.
We should try.
Let's wipe the slate cleanand start with zero days
that President Trump has gonewithout an incident.
And now one daywithout an incident.
Huh? Huh? One day.
-Yay.-(cheering and applause)
One day, people.
Now it's only 1,459 days to go.
But look, um, even thoughso much of yesterday
felt like bad news,
it wasn't a total buzz kill.
TV REPORTER: Marijuana was a big winner last night.
Massachusetts approved measuresto legalize recreational pot.
Four states did pass laws
that let adultssmoke marijuana for fun.
Oh, my God, people are smokingmarijuana for fun.
For fun, as opposed to peoplewho smoke it for work.
Oh, for fun.
You know, real quick,can I just say right now,
America is the most gangstacountry in the world.
Do you know how weird it isto me
that while you're votingfor president,
there's also a questionon the ballot about weed?
This is like someone's in there,like,
"Yes, I'm voting forDonald Trump, and also,
"yeah, I'd like some weed,mm-hmm, I would like some weed.
Yes, I do, yes, I do."
I will say, though,it's a great way
to get young peopleto the polls.
They should do thatall the time.
Add a party questionto every vote.
Yes."How do you feel about Brexit,
and also, shots?"
And if there's one guyin America
who could use a hit right now,
it's soon to be formerpresident, Barack Obama.
Because you know what they say,
when they go low, we get high.
I had a chance to talk
to President-Elect Trumplast night,
about 3:30 in the morning,I think it was,
to congratulate him on winningthe election.
And I had a chance to invite him
to come to the White Housetomorrow,
to talk about making sure thatthere is a successful transition
between our presidencies.
That's when I knew it was real.
That is the moment when I waslike oh, this is real.
I also think that'llbe the first time
Donald Trump knows it's real.