Outrage Court: Patriotism vs. Protest

September 13, 2016 - Danielle Weisberg & Carly Zakin 09/13/2016 Views: 17,733

The Best F#@king News Team tries to determine whether NFL player Colin Kaepernick is unpatriotic for using the national anthem to protest racism. (4:16)

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athletes'national anthem protests

have stoked passionate argumentson both sides.

And there's really only oneplace to resolve this issue--

in Outrage Court.

ANNOUNCER: When a small controversy

sparks an Internet firestorm, it's up to Judge Roy

to sort the justified from the just straight trippin'.

It all happens now on...

Today on Outrage Court,

patriotism versus protest.

Jordan Klepper thinks athlete protests

during the national anthem are vile and un-American.

Desi Lydic thinks protests are patriotic

and that Jordan is being a little bitch.

-Hey.-It's true.

BAILIFF: All rise forthe Honorable Judge Roy Wood Jr.

Yeah. You better standin m courtroom.

Ain't none of the Kaepernick(bleep) going on in here.

Be seated. Jordan,what's your opening statement?

Thank you, Your Honor.

Ladies and gentlemenof the court,

take a look at this... flag.

Now, this sacred flag represents

the countless brave Americans

who put themselves in harm's way

to protect everythingwe hold dear--

liberty, opportunity,

the free subthat comes with the purchase

of nine other free subs.

The only thing America asksof you in return

is that you rise up offyour fat, pampered American ass

when they raise that flagfor the national anthem.

As long as you're standing andyour hand is over your heart...

(chuckles) you can thinkabout whatever you want.

Like for me, I like to come upwith ways to fake my own death.

You see, my marriageis kind of crumbling,

-and no matter what I do...-All right, all right,

all right, all right,we've heard enough of that.

Too much? All right.

Desi, your opening statements,please.

Your Honor, my colleaguewould like you to believe

that the flag standsfor all the values

that make America great.

But in reality, the flagrepresents the 50 states

and 13 colonies,and any symbolism beyond that

is sort of up to you.

For some,it's the bravery of our troops.

For others,it's a criminal justice system

that discriminatesagainst black people.

For me, well, when I watchthat flag waving in the wind,

I'm reminded of a flag bikiniI was forced to wear

-in a Nelly video in '02.-That was a good video.

Hey. I'm all for protest--

but there's a right wayand a wrong way to do it.

Okay, Your Honor, I'd like tohear my colleague's "right way"

of protesting,like, uh, marching?

No way. Clogs up traffic.Pain in the ass.

-Okay, how about a boycott?-Oh, sure,

punish the small businessmanwho's just trying

-to feed his family.-How about a hashtag?

Uh, clogs up your Twitter feed.

Also, do you think hashtagsgrow on trees?

'Cause they don't. Fruit does.

And twigs.

Or... limbs, leaves,

-acorns...-We know what grows on trees.

Do we, Your Honor?All I'm saying is

why do athletes haveto bring politics into sport?

Uh, I think because we starteddoing the national anthem

-at every sporting event.-Oh, that's when it happened?

-Yeah, I think that'swhen it happened. -Oh, oh,

-that's awfully convenient.-WOOD: Order! Order!

Siri, order mesome popcorn shrimp

and a baked potato.

SIRI: I think you said, "Findingredients with tomatoes."

-(sighs) -Okay,you know what's un-American?

Is condemning someone forprotesting the national anthem.

-Are you calling me un-American?-Yeah.

Because I'mmore American than you.

I once had a threesomewith a hot dog and a bald eagle

in the backof a Ford pickup truck.

Jordan, you have no idea whatit's like to be a minority.

No offense,but you're a white dude--

you got privilegecoming out your ass.

You can do whatever you want,when you want,

without any consequences.

Even right nowin this courtroom,

you're getting a pedicurefrom an old Asian lady.

Technically,it still is sandal season.

All right, I'm ready to rule.

Jordan is right.To millions of people,

the flag and the anthemare sacred,

and for anyone to protest itis beyond disrespectful.

But Kaepernickand these other athletes

feel like they'rebeyond disrespected

by a biased legal system.

So here's my decision.

We're just not gonna playthe national anthem

at sporting events anymore.

It's done. We'll save itfor special occasions,

like quinceañeras,

or when your homeboygets released from prison.

And at the beginningof every football game,

we'll play "Hey Ya!"

-♪ -It's fun, it's catchy,

and it unites usunder one message--

to shake it likea Polaroid picture.

Boy, that Andre 3000'ssomething else.

Now, if you'll excuse me,I got some walnuts to crack.

Dismissed.