Welcome to The Daily Show. Thank you so much, everyone.
I'm Trevor Noah and we arelive, live, live, live, live.
That's right, there'smo room for nistakes. Damn it.
All right, my guest tonight,from Rolling Stone magazine,
Matt Taibbi's joining us.But first,
let's get right to it, people.The third and final
presidential debate of 2016just ended in Las Vegas,
and I got say all theprostitutes in Vegas
must have really enjoyedthe evening, because, for once,
they got to watchother people screw Americans.
And it was appropriate forthe debate to be in Las Vegas,
since this was America's nightto let loose.
Let loose before she settlesdown and makes a commitment
to one person. This was likea bachelorette party,
except the giant novelty dildowas on stage behind a podium.
And... and that was actuallythe biggest difference
from the last debate,when the candidates
could wander around andcreep up on each other, right?
But Hillary wasn'ttaking any chances tonight.
And, uh, she hada barbed wire fence installed
just in case. She evengot Mexico to pay for it.
Kudos, Hillary. Now,if you thought... if you thought
it would be hard to top thecraziness of the last debate,
you know, when Trump broughtall of Bill Clinton's accusers
as his guests,well, you were wrong.
Because tonight Hillary broughtMark Cuban as her guest,
which, in my opinion,was a poor choice,
considering Trump has shownhe has no problem
dealing with Cubans at debates.
Uh, good thing, though,Clinton also brought
all the women who haveaccused Trump. Yeah.
And those are just the onesthat lined up early, folks.
Trump, on-on his side, he didbring a special guest tonight,
as you may know, and we'llget to that a little bit later.
Uh, but that definitelywasn't his first choice,
as we discovered in thesenewly leaked voice mails.
(man impersonating Trump)
It just doesn't work.It didn't work out for him.
And-and when those people didn'twork out for Donald Trump,
he decided to takea slightly different route.
REPORTER: Donald Trump has invited the half brother
of President Obama. Now, Malik Obama
is a Donald Trump supporter. He's from Kenya but he's also
a U.S. citizen and he sayshe believes Donald Trump
can make America great again.
Steve Bannon, the managerfor Donald Trump's campaign,
or advisor-- he's now saying
that Barack Obama'shalf brother, uh, Malik Obama,
who is coming to the debate asa guest of the Trump campaign,
is just an appetizer.
What the father are you doing,Donald Trump?
I don't understand-- he bringsObama's half brother
to throw off Hillary? Why?
And then they're like,"This is just the appetizer."
That's the appetizerfor the wrong table,
that's what that is.
What, do you think, like,Hillary's looking out,
going, "Oh, no,it's Obama's half brother."
What is that?That doesn't make any sense.
That is so strange.
Malik Obama's not whatI'd call an appetizer.
Bad appetizer, went to the wrongtable. No one's interested.
I'm sorry, I orderedthe, uh, mozzarella sticks
and I got Malik.I wasn't thinking of this.
Although... althoughit did get a little crazy.
I don't know if you guyssaw this in the debates.
When Malik Obama rushedthe stage. Yeah, he rushed...
God damn, it was...Uh, it was crazy.
And then, out of nowhere,President Obama came out
and he was like,"Uh, Malik, uh, don't do this.
Uh, this is between me and you."
And then Malik was like,"This ends here, Barack."
And then the lightsaberscame out and then...
We all know how it ended, soI'll just move on, I'll move on.
So, say what you wantabout Trump, he knows
how to orchestrate a spectacle.That's all I'm saying. Uh...
And you know, you know, uh,ri-right... Sorry.
You know right-right before...Sorry. Uh...
You know right...Wow, uh, this is embarrassing.
We're live. Um, sorry,I'm just...
I'm a little distracted. I...I-I just noticed that someone
brought my half brotherto the show tonight.
Is-is that you?
You blew it again, Trevor.
No wonder everyonein the village
started calling you Ebola.
What? They-they call me Ebola?Why?
Because you were terriblein Africa
and you'll nevercatch on in America.
What an asshole.
I'd hate himif he weren't so handsome.
But anyway, back to the debate.
I get why Trumphad to pull out a stunt--
he needed a win tonight, right?And it didn't help
that he had Billy Bushhiding in his podium all night,
pressuring him on what to do.
Billy Bushwas in the podium, like,
"Donald, I know one wayto end this debate."
Donald was like, "Quiet, Billy."
"Come on, I've got Tic Tacs."
Okay, maybe one, maybe one,just in case."
It was an awkward evening.And from the very beginning,
we saw that Hillarystill has no regard
for law enforcement in America.
This time, defying not the FBI,
but the fashion police
by wearing all whiteafter Labor Day.
Lock her up! Lock her up!
In a closet and let her chooseanother outfit.
She looked fly.I'm messing with her.
But this debate followeda pretty normal cycle
for Trump/Clinton debates,you know?
When the debate started,Trump was calm,
stuck to his positionspretty well.
He even found some new waysof expressing himself.
One of my first acts will beto get all of the drug lords,
all of the bad ones--we have some bad, bad people
in this countrythat have to go out. (sniffs)
We're gonna get them out. We'regoing to secure the border.
And once the border is secured,at a later date,
we'll make a determinationas to the rest.
But we have some bad hombreshere,
and we're gonna get 'em out.
There are so many things funnyin that clip.
The last is one of my favorite."Bad hombres."
Look at you, Donald Trump,huh, huh?
Connecting withthe Hispanic community there.
"They're bad hombres.You see what I did there?
I learned something, folks.Bad homb..."
I feel like... It's like...Are there Mexican people at home
going, "You know, I know Trumpthinks we're all criminals
"and rapists,but he said 'hombres.' Yeah.
Maybe we're not so differentafter all, man"?
And also when Trump was like,"You know,
there's bad drug deal... We'regonna get rid of the bad..."
(sniffs, grunt)"...drug dealers.
The bad ones."
now, the one downside,the one downside
of subdued Donald for Hillary
was that Chris Wallace gotto ask more questions.
And once again,when pressed about the substance
of her leaked e-mails, Hillarydefaulted to shifty mode.
You are, uh, very clearly, uh,quoting from WikiLeaks,
and what's really importantabout WikiLeaks
is that the Russian government
has engaged in espionageagainst Americans.
They have hacked American,uh, Web sites,
American accounts ofprivate people, of institutions.
Then they have giventhat information to WikiLeaks.
Yes, you're right, Hillary.
Russia hacked your e-mails andgave your stuff to WikiLeaks,
but now that the information'sout there,
you can't just expect us toignore it by bringing up Russia.
You can't do that.No one else gets away with that.
"Yeah, honey, uh,but how did you find out
"I have stripper glitteron my shirt, huh?
Was it Putin? Huh?!"
Yes, Hillary brought Russiainto the conversation.
And if we've learned anythingfrom international relations,
once Russia gets involvedin a conflict,
things go from bad to worse.
-Look, Putin, from everythingI see, -Wait, wait...
has no respect for this person.
Well, that's because he'd ratherhave a puppet as president
-of the United States.-No puppet. No puppet.
-And it's pretty clear...-You're the puppet.
-it's pretty clear you won'tadmit -No, you're the puppet.
that the Russians have engagedin cyber-attacks
against the United Statesof America.
"No, you're the puppet.You're the puppet."
To be fair, Trump thinksall women are puppets.
That's why he's always tryingto stick his hand up them.
-Uh, honestly though, honestly,-(laughter, applause)
I kind of got a glimpseinto Trump's mind tonight,
because Donald Trump really, really doesn't get
why he's losing this election.
The end of last week, they cameout with an anemic jobs report.
A terrible jobs report.In fact, I said,
"Is that the last jobs reportbefore the election?
Because if it is, I should wineasily." It was so bad.
"Then I said pussy thingson the bus,
and everything went downhill."
This is the problemwith Donald Trump.
When he gets this angryand passionate,
he lets Hillary destroy him.
And she destroyed him so hardwith a calm answer
that really spoke to Americans.
At the last debate,we heard Donald talking
about what he, uh, did to women.
And after that, a numberof women have come forward
saying that's exactly whathe did to them.
Now, what was his response?
Well, he held a numberof big rallies where he said
that he could not possiblyhave done,
uh, those things to those women
because they werenot attractive enough
-for them to be assaulted.-I-I did not say that.
I did not say that.
And he went on to say,"Look at her.
I don't think so."
He attacked the woman reporter
writing the story,called her disgusting,
as he has called a number ofwomen, uh, during this campaign.
Donald thinks belittling womenmakes him bigger.
He goes after their dignity,
And I don't think there isa woman anywhere
who doesn't knowwhat that feels like.
That was power.
That was an answer that Trumpwould really need to draw deep
within his dignity and graceto recover from.
And he did not.
You have been warning at re...rallies recently
that this election is rigged
and that Hillary Clintonis in the process
of trying to steal it from you.
Your running mate, GovernorPence, pledged on Sunday
that he and you-- his words--
"will absolutely acceptthe result of this election."
I want to ask you hereon this stage tonight,
do you make the same commitment
that you will absolutely...sir...
that you will absolutely acceptthe result of this election?
I will look at it at the time.
I'm not looking at anything now.I'll look at it at the time.
I will tell you at the time.
I'll keep you in suspense.
I'm sorry. Keep us in susp...?
Am I the only one who issuper freaked out by this?
Am I the only onewho is sup...?
Like, this guy just said, he maynot accept the election results.
Did Donald Trumpjust dismiss democracy
like it was dressing on a salad?
"You know what?I'll look at it later.
"Put it on the side.Put it on the side.
Yeah, I'll have iton the side."
What do you mean,you'll keep us in suspense?
Trump's basicallygonna run his campaign
like an episode of Scandal,
only with less black peopleand less women in power
and a more realisticunderstanding of politics.
But other than that,exactly like Scandal.
Am I the only thing who thinksthat's horrifying?
That's horrifying, right?
You know, every time
Donald thinks thingsare not going in his direction,
he claims... whatever it isis rigged against him.
He said the FBI was rigged.
He said the Republican primarywas rigged.
He claims the court system
and the federal judgesrigged against him.
He didn't get an Emmyfor his TV program
three years in a row,and he started tweeting
that the Emmys were riggedagainst him.
Should have gotten it.
-(laughter)-Who is this man?
Jesus, is that what Trump's
first order of business is gonnabe-- Emmy reform?
-(laughter) -Donald Trump,we've seen your apartment.
The last thing you needis more gold, my friend.
You've got enough.
Look, this debate hadso many moments of crazy,
we couldn't possibly process itin the time we've had.
I will say this, though.
That's the final time we'll seeDonald Trump on the debate stage
before we all referto him as "Supreme Leader."