I'm gonna levelwith you, people.
Other than McConnell and Ryan,who aren't so much passengers
on the Trump train as hostages,
this night had nothing to dowith policy.
Tuesday's theme was supposedto be Make America Work Again.
Instead, it turnedinto Make America Hate Again.
And leading the chargewas Chris Christie.
Now, he's an experiencedpolitician, you know,
two-term governor of New Jersey,but instead of proposing
any job-creating measureslast night,
he chose instead to createa kangaroo court spectacle
aimed at Hillary Clinton.
Tonight,as a former federal prosecutor,
I welcome the opportunity
to hold Hillary Rodham Clintonaccountable
for her performanceand her character.
Since the justice departmentrefuses to allow you
to render a verdict,I'm gonna present the case now,
on the facts,against Hillary Rodham Clinton.
You know you in trouble whenthey calling your middle name.
Hillary Rodham Clinton,
get your ass in here!
So here's what happened,here's what happened,
last week, Trump snubbed Christie for vice president.
So basically, last night, Christie wanted to show Trump
what he had passed up.
He was all like,"You see this, Donny?
You could've had all... this."
In one of her first decisionsas secretary of state,
she set up a privatee-mail server in her basement
in violationof our national security.
Hillary Clinton,lying to the American people
about her selfish,awful judgment
in makingour secrets vulnerable.
What's your verdict,guilty or not guilty?
So, as to Hillary Clinton,
the charge of putting herselfahead of America,
guilty or not guilty?
-Hil... (chuckles)-(chanting): Lock her up!
Lock her up! Lock her up!
Lock her up!Lock her up!
Lock her up! Lock her up!
Yeah! Lock her up!
Lock her up!
By the way, what prison is this?I don't understand.
Like, I don't understand.That's how you know white people
don't get locked up.Like, what...
'Cause this is locked up.
I don't know what this is.
This is locked up.
It's so easy to get caught upin that whole thing.
Lock her up! Lock her...
It's so easy to get caught up.
I just... I just don't knowwhat's happening
in those chants, you know?It's so infectious,
and it's so effective. I mean,why delve into discussing
an issue when you can justreduce it to three syllables.
Build a wall. Lock her up.
Or if that's too complicatedfor you, Trump, Trump, Trump.
Trump, Trump, Trump.
I will give propsto Christie though,
because, uh,he finally got Americans excited
to do jury duty.
Let's go to North Africa.
She was the chief engineerof the disastrous overthrow
of Ghadafi in Libya.
She said our goal,America's goal,
was to strengthen Russia.
Strengthen an adversary ledby a dictator
who dreams of reassemblingthe old Soviet Empire?
Is Hillary Clinton guiltyor not guilty?
Chris Christie got the crowdso stirred up during the night,
I thought he was about to dangleHillary in a net
and be like, "Get her, get her!"
But I actually havean objection, Your Honor.
Because if the jury's goingto be judging
presidential candidatesfor supporting Vladimir Putin,
I would like to enterinto evidence Exhibit A.
You say you and Putinare gonna be close.
Did-did Putin go upto your office?
I didn't know anything about himcoming to my office,
but I will tell you thatI think, in terms of leadership,
he's getting an "A,"and our president
-is not doing so well.-Okay.
And, ladies and gentlemenof the jury,
if you thinkthat a would-be president
who supported the oustingof Ghadafi
and the invasion of Libyadeserves to rot in jail,
then I would like to call thecourt's attention to Exhibit B.
Ghadafi in Libyais killing thousands of people.
We should go in.We should stop this guy,
which would be very easyand very quick.
We could do it surgically.
Lock him up! Lock him up!
-Lock him up! Lock h...-Lock him up! Lock him up!
-Oh, wow. Wow. Oh, man.-Lock him up!
Whoa, oh. Wow, that...
Oh, damn, that works, uh...that works really well.
-Yeah. Wow.-(cheering and applause)
I see it now.
I see it.
All you need is a crowd that'son your side.
You just need a few stupid hats,
and then you can get somemob justice done, people.
You guys are on my side, right?
And, uh, guess what.
I've got some stupid hats,
so why don't we putChris Christie on trial?
Let's do this, people.
Let's get the hats going.
(cheers and applause)
Let's get this... going
and get this going.
Let's do this.
All right, let's do this.
Okay, okay, okay.
So, ladies and gentlemenof the jury.
Ladies and gentlemenof the jury,
the justice departmentinvestigated Chris Christie
for shutting downthe George Washington Bridge
for political payback.
And even though theU.S. Attorney found evidence
of wrongdoingby his administration,
Christie was somehownever charged.
So what do you say, people?
For putting his petty vendettasahead of the American people
just trying to get homefrom work to their children.
Do you find him guiltyor not guilty?
For accepting a $30,000 gift
by claiming it wasfrom a personal friend,
even though he couldn't rememberthe name of that friend.
Guilty or not guilty?
For the murderof Nicole Brown Simpson,
guilty or not guilty?
Damn, you guys take itall the way.
I wouldn't have mindedlosing that.
Look, look, look, people, look.
The point is, the point is,
this whole fiascowas ridiculous.
The Republicans were supposedto spend the evening
laying out their planto put Americans to work.
Instead,the only job you gave them
was angry villagersin a Frankenstein movie.
I don't understand.
If you're goingto be discuss-- you...
Oh, I don't even knowwhy I'm wasting my time.
I forgot, uh, if I wantedto get my point across,
I, uh, oh, here, let me try thisfor you, the Republicans.
Cut the (bleep).
ALL:Cut the (bleep).
Cut the (bleep).Cut the (bleep).