How to Rig the Polls

October 27, 2016 - Jeezy 10/27/2016 Views: 41,728

As Donald Trump doubles down on claims that the media is rigging the 2016 election, Desi Lydic and Eliza Cossio hit the streets to conduct a shady presidential poll. (4:03)

Watch Full Episode

With just 12 daysuntil the blessed beginning

of the rest of our lives,

Hillary Clinton leads DonaldTrump in the national polls

by an averageof nearly six points.

By normal standards,that's a sizable lead,

and by Trump standards,

it's a "yuge" conspiracy.

NEWSMAN: At a meeting with Florida farmers,

Trump weeded out polls that show he's facing

a big loss to Clinton.

Watch the polls, because thisis part of the crooked system,

it's part of the rigged system.

They call them "dark polls."They are phony polls

put out by phony media.

Oh...

dark polls.

It sounds like somethingout of Mordor.

Lord Sauron, our dark polls say

90% of the voters welcomeyour burning gaze.

-(laughter) -And three percentare tricksy hobbitses!

Aah...!

(applause, whooping)

So...

So according to Trump,

the polls that show him losingare crooked,

but the riggingdoesn't end there.

The dishonest mainstream mediais also part...

-(applause, cheering) -and amajor part, of this corruption.

Over the last two days, threehighly respected national polls

said we're in first place.

But the media refusesto even say it

or put that word out.

They refuse to talk about it.

Yes. Because allthe dozens of other polls

-say you're losing.-(laughter)

Trump's argument islike Jeffrey Dahmer going,

"But what about all the peopleI didn't eat?

-(laughter) -Why won't the mediatalk about that?"

Now, as members of the media,

the question of whether pollsare rigged, you know,

it concerns the U.S.a great deal.

So our own Desi Lydicand Eliza Cossio went out

to do their part.

LYDIC: As members of the corrupt media

working to rig the election, we hit the streets of New York

to do some highly scientific polling.

Hi. Who are you voting for?

Who are you voting for?We're doing a poll.

-It's the Real Information GroupGathering Electoral Data. -Okay.

-Okay.-Oh. Who are you voting for?

Donald Trump.

Who would you not vote forin this election?

Hillary Clinton.

-One down for Hillary Clinton.-Okay.

Who are you voting forin this election?

Donald Trump.

Donald Trump. I'm detectinga little bit of an accent.

-You're from here?-No. I'm from the Midwest.

I'm from the Midwest.

But, yeah, I'm voting for Trump.

Sorry.I can barely understand you.

I said, yeah,but I'm voting for Trump.

Okay, thank you.So that's one for Hillary.

Hi, who are you voting for?

We're taking a poll.

I'm voting for Donald Trump.

Oh, la, la, la, la, la, la,la...

-I think she said Hillary.-(band playing)

Oh, look!

The totally random exampleof American voters.

(protestors chanting)

-Just put down like 2,000or 3,000. -Okay.

-3,000.-Three? Okay.

-3,500.-Okay.

-Round it up to 8,000.-Got it.

We're from Los Angelesand we're all Hillary people.

All Hill... okay.

So let's just put down everyonein Los Angeles

-is voting for Hillary.-Okay.

She's with her, she's with her,she's with her,

-she's with her, she's with her.-Okay.

That's five.

Hi, we're conducting a poll.

Who are you voting forin this election?

Who do you think?

Hillary for pr-- oh, okay.

I got that,so that's one for Hillary.

Oh, okay.

He's got it on both sidesof the sign,

-so Hillary twice.-Yeah, okay.

Who are you voting for?

The only person that's worthbeing president,

-Hillary Clinton.-No! Trump.

-Trump. Trump.-Trump.

Just put a check mark next towhoever it is

that you're voting for here.

I got it.

Just one of the two of those.

I'm not voting for herand I'm not...

-I'm voting for him. -Yeah,then it would be that one.

Yeah, no.Just one of those is fine.

So that's one not Trump;that's one vote for Hillary.

-Yeah.-No, I'm not voting for Hillary.

Yeah, no.That sounds, that's about right.

-That-that works.-No. Trump.

-You say Trump, but you mean...-Not Hillary.

Sometimes no means yes.

You know what I mean?

And that concludes our polling

for the state of Florida.