Now, presidential candidatesmake a lot of promises,
but one thing they alwaysemphasize is what they'll do
in their first 100 daysin office.
Which is weird,because in any other job
those would be the leastproductive days, you know?
You're just, uh,getting your bearings,
waiting for an e-mail address.How do you dial an outside line,
how does this work,how does this work?
Yeah, but when you're gettingready to be president,
the stakes are a little higher.
So people actuallywant to hear your plan.
Wondered if you could tell uswhat will be
your first 100 days planin foreign policy?
Pursuing our continued efforts
to reduce nuclear weaponswith Russia.
In my first 100 days in office,
I will order the formulation
of a nationalcyber security strategy.
In the first 100 daysof my administration,
I will close Guantanamo,
reject theMilitary Commissions Act
and adhereto the Geneva conventions.
Oh, man, those videosmake me so happy, you know?
See Bill Clinton and Mitt Romney
when he thoughthe was gonna be president,
and... and Obama--look at this guy.
Looking so young and cute,
talking aboutclosing Guantanamo.
It's like one of his New Year'srevolu... resolutions
that he never keeps, you know?
I'm telling you, this yearI'm gonna close Gitmo.
Uh, and I'm gonna finish seasontwo of Friday Night Lights.
I'm gonna do it this time.I promise you.
That's the point--these are grand promises.
It's not just their to-do list,it's their vision for America.
And this weekend Donald Trumptraveled to Gettysburg,
a city known for itspresidential addresses.
But instead of focusingon his plans for the country,
it seems he has other plans
for his early days in office.
Every woman lied
when they came forwardto hurt my campaign.
-Total fabrication...-(crowd applauding)
The events never happened.
All of these liars will be sued
-after the election is over.-(crowd cheering, applauding)
You're gonna sue the women whoaccused you of sexual assault?
What are you gonna sue them for?
Making you seemslightly more of a scumbag
than we alreadythought you were?
These liars, who painted meas a man who assaults women,
which I am not,
unless Billy Bushwants me to be.
Yeah, talk about not being ableto say no, am I right, folks?
Am I right?Is it any surprise
that a personal lawsuitis part of Trump's plan?
Because a lot of people havesaid that he has no experience
in the executive branch,and they-they're right.
But I will give him this--he has a ton of experience
with the judicial branch.
A group of lawyersat the American Bar Association
ordered a reporton Donald Trump's lawsuits.
That report tracksDonald Trump's history
of filing lawsuits and calls theRepublican presidential nominee
a "libel bully."
That's accordingto The New York Times.
But that reportwon't be published,
because the association says
it fears it would besued by Trump.
That's right. That's right.
Take a second to absorb this.Take a second to absorb this.
A group of lawyerswon't publish a report
on how Trump often sues
because they are afraidhe might sue them.
You do realize I cannotmake a joke about that,
because that would bethe joke that I would make.
I would end the joke by saying,
"that's like lawyers beingafraid of somebody suing them!"
This is why I can't waitfor this election to end.
Donald Trump lives the jokeswe're trying to create.
Yeah, but clearly... butclearly, the lawyers think
Donald Trump is a libel bully,and-and I honestly
don't know what could havegiven them that impression.
I'll probably sue Rosie.
-Let's start with Bill Maher.-I'll sue him.
When she uses the word "fraud,"
that's pretty strong,so we're gonna be suing her.
(reporter reading quote)
He's threatening to suethe Club for Growth.
We've also heard himtalk about how
he's going to sue The New York Times.
Univision, I'm gonnahave to sue Univision now.
I'm gonna have tosue them now, folks.
I don't have another choice.I mean,
I could walk away,but I don't have another choice.
Damn, Trump sues so many people
he's probably gotplatinum medallion status
at the courthouse, you know?
There's probably, like,a special lounge he can wait in.
He gets "group A"walk into the court first.
He gets nice little hot towels,but he never uses them,
because they'llwipe off his tan. He just...
he just uses...uses them like that.
How did Donald Trumpget this way?
I bet when he was a childhe'd fall down and be like,
"Ow! I got a boo-boo!
Boo-boo, due to the negligenceof this sidewalk."
And his mom would be like,"It's okay, Donnie,
we're gonna sue them."And he's, like, "Yeah."
At least the one upside is thatif he becomes president,
there's a possibility DonaldTrump won't be waging wars
all over the world.Yeah, he'll be waging warsuits.
You know?That's what he'll be doing.
I bet he'll be droning peoplewith subpoenas
all over the globe.
You'll be watching the BBC:"Today, in Syria,
"an entire hospitalwas accidentally sued,
including several babies."
People in Syria are like,"Everyone, get down,
it's a cease and desist!"
I will say, though, uh,with all the American TV ads
that encourage lawsuits, it'sno surprise that Donald Trump
is litigious,especially considering
that some of those adsthat you see on TV
are made just for him.
Are you a presidential candidatefor the Republican party?
Is this is your nameDonald J. Trump?
Are people sayingunkind things about you?
Then the law firm of Klepper &Sons is ready to fight for you.
We representall types of clients,
from Donald Trump to that's it.
We get results defending againstbaseless charges
such as facts, logic,
very "not nice" reporting,
maliciously true information,
tapes of things you said,
vicious lies you will exposebut not right now,
and women attacking your handswith their vaginas.
So call us todayat 1-800-JUST-4-TRUMP.
No habla español, not that it matters,
because you're Donald Trump.
Klepper and Sons.
I don't have any sons yet,
but me and the wife,we're trying.