But let me tell you whathappened to us today.
We had a really nice showplanned for you,
very civil, very calm.
And then,in the middle of the day,
Hurricane Trump happened.
President Trump's first solopress conference.
Let's just say it simply,it was extraordinary.
I just want to let you know,I inherited a mess.
Drugs are becoming cheaperthan candy bars.
You know what uranium is, right?
This thing called nuclearweapons and other things,
like, lots of things are donewith uranium,
including some bad things.
I love to negotiate things.
I do it really well,and all that stuff.
Nuclear holocaust would be likeno other.
The leaks are absolutely real.
The news is fake because so muchof the news is fake.
Other countries have been takingadvantage of us for decades,
decades and decades and decades,folks.
I do get good ratings,you have to admit.
The greatest thing I could do
is shoot that shipthat's 30 miles offshore
right out of the water.
Tomorrow, they will say,
Donald Trump rants and ravesat the press.
I'm not ranting and raving.
(slurring speech):Tomorrow they'll say,
I'm-- I was dr--I'm not drunk.
You're all drunk,you're all drunk.
This my mother (bleep) house.
-This my mother (bleep) house.-(laughter)
Ghouley goo-goo,ghouley goo-goo.
And now, I can't play youthe entire press conference.
We only have 30 minutes and hespoke for, like, six days.
So let's instead focuson some of the moments
where Trump actually completeda thought.
Starting with the most importantpart of his presidency,
how much he won.
I put it out beforethe American people,
got 306 electoral college votes.
I guess it was the biggestelectoral college win
since Ronald Reagan.
Okay, now, this is not true.
In fact, it's not evencomplicated.
You don't even need numbersto understand this.
All you need to know is the mapwith the two colors,
that's all you need to know.
Trump's been repeating this liesince election day,
and we've been waiting so longfor him to get called out on it,
and finally today it happened.
I don't know whothat reporter is,
but he just shovedTrump's face in that
like it was a pileof bull (bleep),
and he was training a bad dog.
Just like, look at what you did.
Look at it.
Bad Trump! Bad Trump!
But how does Trump even thinkthat that's a valid excuse?
That's the informationI was given.
That's the informa--You're the president.
That's the informationyou were given?
Yo, if you can't trustyour president
to get the right information ona Google-able fact,
then can you really trust himwith the harder stuff?
Which, by the way,is everything else
the president of the UnitedStates has to deal with.
Like, we're talkingfirst page Google, guys.
Not even, like, deep,just first page.
First page Google,that's the answer.
Here's how you know Trump'sbattle with the media
is getting to him.
Toward the endof the press conference,
Trump actually started beggingfor a softball.
I want to finda friendly reporter.
-You s-say I was...-(clamoring)
Are you a friendly reporter?Watch how friendly he is.
Wait, wait, watchhow friendly he is. Go ahead.
See, he said he's gonna aska very simple, easy question.
-And it's not. It's not.-It's an important...
Not a-not a simple question,not a fair question.
Okay, sit down, I-I understandthe rest of your question.
So here's the story, folks.Uh, number one,
I am the least...
anti-Semitic person that you'veever seen in your entire life.
Number two, racism.
The least racist person.
In fact, we did very wellrelative to other people
-running as Republican...-(clamoring)
Quiet, quiet, quiet...
Beyond Trump's completelybotched attempt
at reassuringthe Jewish community,
what's even more strikingin that interaction
is that you havea president of a democracy
who thinks press is only valid
when they ask himeasy questions.
Questions that he likes.
In fact, in his mind,he deserves it. You know?
That's-that's an easy question.
What are you gonna doabout Sem... anti-Semitism?
We're going to stamp it out.Done.
That's all you had to say.
That was the softest ballpossible.
A matzo ball, if you will.
What a putz.Come on, people.