Hillary Clinton Evades Indictment Over Her Email Scandal

July 5, 2016 - Jim Gaffigan 07/05/2016 Views: 33,372

Bill Clinton casts a shadow over the FBI investigation into his wife Hillary Clinton's emails by secretly meeting with Attorney General Loretta Lynch. (6:10)

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But of course, of course,

the giant news today is allabout Hillary Clinton.

Now, as you know, the FBIhas been investigating Hillary

over her digital scandals.

You know, her missing e-mails,her private server

and all of those LinkedInrequests she sends to everyone.

Well, today,

the FBI announced the resultsof its investigation,

and because it was such a hugemoment in the presidential race,

everyone was goingto be watching

FBI Director James Comey.

And you could seethat he knew it.

This is goingto be an unusual statement

in at least a couple of ways.

First, I'm going to includemore detail about our process

than I ordinarily would.

And second, I have notcoordinated this statement

or reviewed it in any waywith the Department of Justice

or any other partof the government.

They do not knowwhat I'm about to say.

-What are you gonna say?-(laughter)

What are you gonna say?!

That's what he said.

"They do not knowwhat I'm going to say.

Even I don't knowwhat I'm going to say!"

Yeah, that's right.

As if we all weren'tanxious enough about it.

Comey had to buildthe suspense up.

He straight up Seacrest-edthe entire announcement.

-(laughter)-And if you watched, he's like,

"And the charges willor will not be announced...

-right after this."-(laughter, applause)

Comey, this is not Idol.

Just tell us what Hillaryand the State Department did.

There is evidence thatthey were extremely careless

in their handlingof very sensitive,

highly-classified information.

Eight of those chains containedinformation that was top secret.

Any reasonable personin Secretary Clinton's position

should have knownthat an unclassified system

was no placefor that conversation.

It is possible thathostile actors gained access

to Secretary Clinton'spersonal e-mail account.

Oh, damn. He went straight frombeing Seacrest to Simon Cowell.

That was... that was intense.

So many things wrong?

You know, wherever Hillary wasduring this announcement,

I can tell you right nowshe was packing up her life.

Because if you were watchingthis and you were Hillary,

you would be...Like, this... that's it.

That would be itfor her campaign, you know?

There's no campaign after thisif you're indicted.

There's nofirst woman president.

Yeah, the only placeshe'd be giving a fancy speech

is from cell block D.

-There is nothing after this.-(laughter)

So... Mr. FBI Director,

we've all heard the laundry listof shady (bleep).

Give it to us straight.

What are the charges?

We are expressing to Justiceour view

that no charges are appropriatein this case.

What? That-That's it?

-(laughter)-No, that's it?

After all the suspense andbuildup, no charges, nothing?

You're not even gonna tase her?Nothing?

-(laughter)-Wow.

Wow, that's, uh...that's a load off.

I know how Hillarymust have felt.

Hillary Clinton...

you are not indicted!

(cheering)(yelling)

(laughter, applause)

Yes, America, yes.

Take a second to understand.

That is where your electionhas gotten to right now.

When the good news

is that one of yourpresidential candidates--

the rational one, by the way--

will not be going to jail

-at this time.-(laughter)

Like, not being indicted shouldnever, ever be your good news.

You're running for president,

not the coolest dudein the barbershop.

That is not somethingyou're celebrating.

And here's the thing,though, here's the thing.

Hillary's camp was hoping thatthe end of this investigation

would close the book on herpurported shadiness, you know?

The realitywith the Clintons, though,

is that it's never really over.

This case was set up in a way

that could have perfectlyexonerated Hillary.

It was an independent probeby the most respected

nonpartisan law enforcementagency in the country.

All they had to do was not taintthe investigation

with their Clinton fingerprints.That's all they had to do.

Which they managed, you know,not to do for almost a year.

And then,with less than a week left

before the FBIand Justice Department finished,

this happened.

This is a new twist inthe government's investigation

of Hillary Clinton's e-mails.

NEWSMAN: ...Bill Clinton earlier this week

meeting with Loretta Lynch on the tarmac

of Phoenix International Airport...

NEWSWOMAN: ...Loretta Lynch, the attorney general

who is overseeing the investigation

of Hillary Clinton's private e-mail server...

This is, like, the fifth timeBill Clinton has sabotaged

his wife's political career.

What are you thinking,President Clinton?

What are you thinking,President Clinton?

There are so many questions,so many questions.

Two main questions.Uh, why would you do this?

And h did you do this?

NEWSMAN: He popped over when their planes

were sharing a tarmac to have a social call

with Loretta Lynch.

Mr. Clinton got wordthat her plane was coming in.

He delayed. He was running late.He stopped and waited for her

to come onto the tarmac,then privately met with her

for 30 minutes.

Oh, hell, no!No, that is so unfair.

You know what?I get in trouble

for just trying to moveto another row on a plane.

This guy joggedto a whole other plane

on the tarmac.

Yeah. You know the same waywe cross the street

and then if there's a car comingyou hold your hand out?

Bill Clinton does thatwith airplanes, people.

That's what he does.

Fly over me. Fly over me.

I'm walkin' over here!

Fly over me.

(applause, whooping)

I don't understandhow he did this.

And, you know, I actuallyfeel sorry for Loretta Lynch.

Because the presidentcomes to her plane.

She has to let him in.

And the worst partof all of this is,

she's left to explainwhat he did.

NEWSWOMAN: ...Lynch calling it a social chat

about golf and grandchildren.

I was arriving, he was leaving--he came on to say hello,

we spoke abouta number of things.

There's not much more to itthan that.

(laughter)

That soundseven more suspicious.

A lot of people are asking the question:

Why would Bill Clinton do something so stupid?

Why does he keep doingthese stupid things

to his wife's campaign?

Well, I have a theory.

Bill Clinton isintentionally trying

to sabotage Hillary's campaign.

Yeah. Because think about it.

If Hillary wins,she becomes president,

and then he...is married to President Clinton.

And Bill knowsbetter than anyone,

you do not want to be married

-(laughter)-to a President Clinton.