Now... now, if you'vebeen watching the news
between 3:00 and 4:00 a.m.,you've probably noticed
that they finally get aroundto covering the story
about WikiLeaks--and by WikiLeaks,
I meanthe document-dumping site,
not WikiLeaks,the Hawaiian adult diaper.
-(laughter)-Very different thing.
Over the past few weeks,WikiLeaks founder
and Slytherin prefect,Julian Assange,
vowed to bringHillary Clinton down
by exposing every single e-mail
everyone who knows herhas ever written.
And ten days ago, they droppeda new Wiki bombshell.
In one e-mail, Donna Brazile,who was then of CNN,
and now the acting DemocraticNational Committee chair,
is shown to have e-mailedthe Clinton staff
ahead of a CNN debate
a question thatshe says she saw beforehand.
The title of that very e-mailwas, quote,
"From time to timeI get the questions in advance."
I'm so disappointedin you, girl.
How are you gonna senda secret e-mail
and give it all awayin the subject line?
You want to keep iton the down-low.
You got to write somethingno one wants to open,
like "Come to my improv show."
How are you gonnaput it all there?
Oh, and by the way, canwe talk about this real quick?
What the (bleep), CNN?
Am I the only who thinksit's inappropriate
that news networks hire peoplefrom the campaigns
to give political commentary?
Like, what do you thinkis gonna happen, you know?
Obviously, they'regonna say and do things
that they shouldn't be doing.
It's like bees hiringWinnie-the-Pooh
to consulton honey security issues.
It's gonna end badly.
Everybody does it.
And it's disturbing to find outthat the Clinton campaign
may have had accessto town hall questions
before the event--but be careful,
because when you dig furtherinto these Hillary e-mails,
you may find somethingthat will bore you.
NEWSWOMAN: Among the hacked e-mails
from Clinton's campaign manager John Podesta,
his secret for remarkable risotto.
"Why do I use one-quarter
or one-half cup of stock at a time?"
Podesta replied, "The slower add process
"and stirring causes the rice to give up its starch,
which gives risotto its creamy consistency."
-(laughter)-That is disgusting.
That is disgusting!
Young peoplemay not understand this,
but you realize that recipes arebasically old people's versions
-of dick pics.-(laughter)
That's all they dowith each other.
They phone each other like,"Hey, Ethel, you up?"
"You have any goodratatouille recipes?"
"Oh, you nasty."
But here's the big storyin all of this.
You guys rememberHillary's paid speeches?
You remember this, yes?The speeches that we all wanted
to find out about,the ones she gave Goldman Sachs
and the other banks,for millions of dollars.
Yeah, well, it turns outthey've also been leaked.
Hillary Clinton's Wall Streetspeeches finally exposed.
WikiLeaks giving us an inside look at what she said.
After all that waiting,we got to look
inside what Hillary saidto the big banks.
And it turns outthe wor thing she said
was that she agreedwith Abe Lincoln
that to get things donein government,
politicians should have botha public and private position.
That's it.That's all she said.
Which I can relate to,to be honest,
because my public positionis missionary.
My private position is cryingin a corner because I'm alone.
-Oh, and, uh...-(laughter)
Another daring part of herspeech was when Hillary said,
as a multi-millionaire, she feltlike she was out of touch
with the common person.
And then all the bankersin the room were like,
"Wait. There's peoplepoorer than you? Ew."
But the most embarrassing thingHillary said, in my opinion,
was that her dream is,and I quote,
"a hemispheric common market
with open tradeand open borders."
That's your dream?
That is your dream?
Dreams are supposed to beabout flying and unicorns.
That's your dream?
I just imagine her in bedwith Bill where she's like,
"Bill, I just hadthe best dream.
"We had a hemispheric commonmarket with open borders.
What did you dream about?"
And Bill's like,"Uh, same thing."
(laughter and applause)
I'm not saying Hillary doesn'tget up to some shady (bleep).
She's a politician,a very good politician.
But we have to be honestat some point
and admit that Trump and Hillary
are held to verydifferent standards.
Donald Trump is basicallyrunning a cockfighting ring
in the woods, and yet,everyone's upset
because they found outHillary's the naughtiest kid
at a chess camp.It's not the same thing.
Because think about this,if we can dig
into your deepest,darkest secrets
of every emailyou've ever sent,
and the worst thing we find outabout you is that your dreams
are basically a PBS documentary,
and yet, the guy that Hillary'srunning against
has made us cringe every daywith things he said in public.
I'm just saying,
if Trump grabs pussy in public,
then what are his dreams like?