It's time for usto talk about Australia.
You know how you'vealways wanted to go there
to see all the unique wildlife?Well, the good news is
you can stop worrying about it,because, uh, thanks to humans,
there' a lot lesswildlife to see.
It's a story we coverin our new segment:
Law & Order:
Special AustralianAnimal Victims Unit.
To our first victim.
REPORTER: For the first time ever, a mammal species
appears to have been wiped out.
Made extinct by human-induced climate change.
This poor little... uh, rat,I suppose is what it is,
is no more.
Aw, she wasa little flippant there.
Like, one minute we're sadand she's like,
"This poor little,well, rat, I suppose."
Do your research, lady.
But it really isa sobering milestone.
The first animal to go extinctfrom climate change.
Uh, although are you sureit was global warming
that killed it, yeah,and not cholesterol?
Uh-huh. Huh? Yeah, yeah?
Maybe you should have consideredbeing a salad rat.
Our second victim is actuallya newly discovered species.
It's a marsupialthat's endangered,
although, uh,I think we can all agree,
it's going out in style.
REPORTER: They're cute, cuddly, and threatened with extinction,
and the reasons why will shock you.
Scientists say these newly discovered marsupials mate
with such intensity it kills the males,
cutting their population in half.
Males mate for up to 14 hours a day.
Yes, yes,they "mate" 14 hours a day.
Let's be blunt, people,
these little guys are (bleep)themselves to death.
This is why...
this is why it's so importantto have hobbies.
This whole tragedycould have been avoided
if someone had just taught themneedlepoint.
That's all. That's all.
Uh, but humans, humansare to blame a little bit,
because our loggingis threatening their habitat,
so they're dying becausethey have no place to live
and all they want to do is bone.
Uh, which means the next speciesto go extinct is bass players.
and human stresson wildlife habitats
can lead to all sortsof unintended consequences.
Just ask a-a koala.
WOMAN: Little pockets of habitat don't work
because the populations
within that groupbecome severely inbred,
and then they leadto other problems.
REPORTER: By "other problems," Nilsson means
a stunning and slightly uncomfortable reality
threatening koalas, chlamydia,
a sexually transmitted disease.
That is the cutest-sounding STDI have ever heard.
That is the only STD yourgirlfriend would ever be happy
you gave her.
Her friends would be like,"Aw, he got you koala chlamydia?
You better keep him, girl."
And-and now that the idea is out
that animalscan get venereal diseases,
Australian officialsare using STDs
against invasive species,like carp.
REPORTER: It's estimated a staged release
of a carp herpes virus will kill at least 70%
of the pest fish in what the federal government has dubbed
They're planning to killthe fish with herpes.
This really doesn't soundlike a good idea.
It sounds like the partof the top of the movie
where the scientist has abrilliant plan to save everyone
but somehow creates, like,supersharks that fly
and give you g-genital wartsor something.
This is not a good idea.It really is amazing.
Australia's plan is basicallyto give the carp herpes.
I just have one quick question.
Uh, who has to (bleep) a fish?
(Australian accent):"Uh, Jerry,
"uh, word around the office,
"uh, well, there's no wayto, uh, delicately say this.
"Um, Paula in Accounting, um,
"said you had a certain,uh, condition.
"And, uh, well, uh,here's a carp
"and, uh, an Usher CD.
And, uh, we'll just leave,uh, you two alone for a bit."
Oh, man. This-this carp invasionmay sound like a small problem,
uh, but it's got a lotof Australians in government
really fired up.
We are afflicted in this nation.
We are afflictedwith this disgusting,
We don't want to have to dealwith carp!
No, we don't want to dealwith carp!
We got to get rid of the carp!
Okay, dude, take it easy.
Why is this guy so angry?
"The carp! The carp!"
What, did your mom cheat on yourdad with a carp or something?
Because if she did,she probably has herpes.
Uh, I will say though,I will say this.
Look at how much fun Australianlegislators are having.
Yeah. And you knowwhat else Australia has?
Strong gun control.
Now, I'm not sayingthere's a connection,
but think of all the time theydon't spend arguing about guns
that they can devote to decidingwhich STDs to give which fish.
And if America getsits gun problems under control,
who knowswhat can be accomplished?
A decade from now, America,
you could be giving frogsfull-blown AIDS!
Dare to dream, baby!Dare to dream.