Kung-Fu

  • Season 1 , Ep 5
  • 09/23/1998
  • Views: 8,705

Steve Youngblood describes his unorthodox teaching method and promises to turn his pupils into ass kickers. (3:42)

A KUNG FU CLASS

WITHOUT A LETTER FROMMY MOTHER EXPLAININGMY ASTHMATIC CONDITION.

YOU DON'T HAVETIME FOR THAT.

WHEN THIS FINAL RECKONINGCOMES DOWN, YOU GOTTA BE READY.

WHAT ARE YOUGUYS DOING HERE ?

WHAT IS THIS,"LOSER-PALOOZA" ?

OH YEAH,YOU'RE A PALOOZA !

LOOK AT IT,MCKEAVER !

LOOK AT IT !

AAAHHHH !

OOH, OOH, OOH !

AH !

UH, UH, AAAHHHH !

WELCOME TO STEVE YOUNGBLOOD'S"KUNG FU ACADEMY".

WHY DID YOUGO LIKE THIS ?

I'M NOT GOING TOTEACH YOU KUNG FU !

I JUST PUT THATON MY SIGN.

WHAT A RIP-OFF.

A RIP-OFF IS YOUSWINGING YOUR ARMS AROUND,

WHILE 3 GUYS BEAT YOUWITH TIRE IRONS !

BUT I WANT TO LEARN KUNG FU,HIYAH, HIYAH !

NO, YOU DON'T.

YOU WANT TO LEARN TO KICK ASS, DON'TCHA ?

YEAH, AND I GOT A KNIFE !

NICE.

HOW ABOUT YOU, SKINNY ?

DO YOU WANT TO WANT TO LEARN TO KICK ASS ?

SURE...

HE WANTS TO KICKOUR BUS DRIVER'S ASS.

GOOD FOR YOU !

THE PROBLEM IS,YOUR ASS-KICKING GENES

HAVE MUTATED TO WUSSEY-GENES,IN "CIVILIZED" TIMES.

THAT MEANS WE'RE NOT GONNA LEARN KUNG FU.

LET ME FINISH OR I WILLHAMMER-PUNCH YOUR CLAVICLE.

IF I HAVE TO LIVEON THIS PLANET WITH YOU,

AND ONE DAY, FIGHT ON YOUR SIDESAGAINST THE ALIENS,

I'M GONNA TEACH YOUTO KICK SOME ASS !

MY FATHER HAS A BUMPER STICKER THAT SAYS "I BRAKE FOR ALIENS".

YOUR FATHER WILL BEA HUMAN SLAVE.

I WANT TO KICKHIS FATHER'S ASS !

YOU WILL BEMY STAR PUPIL !

WHAT ABOUT ME ?

I WILL HATE YOU

BUT TURN YOU INTOA BRUTAL KILLING MACHINE.

UNDERSTAND THIS,

KICKING ASS IS MORE THANJUST ANNIHILATING ANOTHER HUMAN.

IT'S A WAY OF LIFE,A REJECTION OF MEDIOCRITY,

AN EMBRACING OF FEAR !

I WANT TOKICK ASS SO BAD !

IF YOU WERE OLDER,I'D MARRY YOU !

THIS CLASS SUCKS,I'M LEAVING.

THE ONLY WAY YOU'RE LEAVING,IS IN A PINE BOX.

AND I WILL MAKETHAT PINE BOX !

OH MY GOD.

YOU ARE THE ONE WHO WILLSOMEDAY DEFEAT ME.

WHEN YOU KILL ME,YOU MUST PASS ON MY STORY.

I UNDERSTAND.

FOR 13 YEARS,I'VE BEEN THE PREMIEROUTTER-FRINGE ATHLETE,

DOMINATING THE WORLDOF HIGH-RISK SPORTS.

I'M NATIONAL"SHARK RODEO" CHAMPION.

ALTHOUGHI AM SUSPENDED,

DUE TO MY REFUSAL TO WEARTHAT CHAIN-MAIL SUIT.

THERE'S NO SUCH THINGAS SHARK RODEO.

YOU KNOW A MILLION WAYS TO SAY"PLEASE KILL ME," DON'T YOU ?

YEAH...

MY TRAVELS HAVE TAKEN METO SOUTH AMERICA

WHERE I COMPETED INBRAZILIAN TRAIN-SURFING,

RIDING ON THE SURFACEOF MOVING TRAINS,

WHILE DODGING CABLES.

OUT OF THE 12I BEGAN SURFING WITH,

ONLY 2 WERE ALIVEAT THE END OF A SEASON.

I WAS THE ONE AWARDEDTHE RED BANDANNA,

WHICH NO NON-BRAZILIANHAD PREVIOUSLY WORE.

VIVA LOS ESTADOSUNIDOS !

MUY BIEN,SON NUMERO UNO !

BUT THEY SPEAKPORTUGESE IN BRAZIL.

OKAY, OKAY,YOU CAN KICK ASS,

BUT CAN YOU MAKE AZMO'S LAP STRONG ENOUGH

TO WITHSTAND THE WEIGHTOF A HUGE BUS-DRIVER ASS ?

HEY !

AH !

IF I CAN DO THIS,I CAN GIVE SKINNY AN IRON LAP !

AH !

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