Let's, uh...let's talk about college.
Now, back in the day, collegewas all about crazy fun stuff,
you know, like keg standsand butt chugging
and wet T-shirt contests.
And that was just meand my roommate Brian.
Uh, but, these days,colleges are more sensitive,
more informed.They have more diverse voices,
and they encourage these voiceswith safe spaces,
you know, like a Black StudentUnion Association or Hillel.
And-and now some professorsare offering trigger warnings
for topicsthat might upset students.
The question is,are we going too far?
What's more important,free speech
or the right of our classmatesnot to be offended?
There's really only one placeto resolve this.
We do it in Outrage Court.
-♪ -ANNOUNCER: When a small controversy sparks
an Internet firestorm, it's up to Judge Roy
to sort the justified from the just straight trippy.
It all happens now on Outrage Court.
Today on Outrage Court, free speech on campus.
Desi Lydic thinks safe spaces and trigger warnings
are necessary to foster minority voices
and protect against hate speech.
Jordan Klepper thinks college kids are pussies.
All rise for the honorableJudge Roy Wood, Jr.
Sit y'all asses down.
All right,let's get down to the get down.
What in the goddamnis a safe space?
Desi, you have the floor.
Picture this, Your Honor,you're a minority.
-I'll allow it. -Every day,you face discrimination,
hate speech, microaggressions--
not the shouty, angry,Mel Gibson-y kind
but a consistent undercurrentof white noise.
Let's just call itwhites only noise.
These colleges are just tryingto create spaces where you
and your fellow studentscan be free from all of that.
I get it. So racism is likea nagging wife,
and safe spaces are likethe downstairs bathroom
that I go toto get away from her.
Excellent example, Your Honor.
Also a great microaggressionagainst me as a woman.
-Jordan, what's your problemwith this? -That's not...
Your Honor, safe spacesare nothing but an attempt
to shut down free speech.
College is a timeto face stuff you don't like,
like Hacky Sack, butt chuggersand white-boy dreadlocks.
If I cut myself offfrom all the bigots I know,
I wouldn't haveany friends left.
(laughing): I'd be leftplaying tennis all by myself.
There are no safe spacesin the real world.
These colleges are softeningthese kids up,
like an overripe avocado,
when they should be hardand tough like a proper avocado.
Mmm. Bitter... like reality.
That (bleep) is nasty.
Put it down.
LYDIC: Policies like thismake minorities
feel encouraged and validatedwhen it comes to free speech.
I mean, I'll just say me,as a woman--
-I mean, I can hardly get a wordin with... -KLEPPER: Oh!
What is she even talking about?!
We haven't talkedabout trigger warnings yet.
Did you know there are studentswho won't go into classrooms
'cause they are afraidthe lectures will upset them?
How are we supposedto teach these students
without frightening them?
Like, what's history classgoing to be?
Some little fish crawled upon the land, some stuff happens,
Nixon, and then here we are?
College studentsjust want an experience
that's freefrom emotional trauma,
like seeing a white guy dress upas Stevie Wonder for Halloween.
That costume is a hitevery single year,
and no blind personhas ever complained about it.
LYDIC:My point is
it's not limiting free speech
to raise awarenessfor microaggressions.
"Microaggressions" sound likewhen a Hobbit keys your car.
Or like an ingredientin a body wash.
-Yeah.-KLEPPER: Or a...
No, but my point is,
just because something has aridiculous new name doesn't mean
that it's not real.
Like Benedict Cumberbatch.
Ridiculous name, 100% real.
I see what you're asking for,Counselor.
From now on, microaggressionswill be referred to
Wait. No, that wasn't my point.
-Damn, you just gotCumberbatched. -Oh, my God.
All right, you've both madecompelling arguments.
I've reached a verdict.
Jordan, you're right. Thecollege kid should grow a pair.
If our kids grow up thinkingthe world is safe spaces
and trigger warnings,then, hell,
how are we gonnaprotect ourselves from Russia?
Hell, how are we gonnastand up to Jamaica?
All they do is come in heretriggering us
with their damn reggaeand their ganja
and their jerk chicken.
-You seen the Jamaican dancing?-Frightening.
But Desi, you're right.
Everybody's entitledto an education
where their roommateisn't trying
to touch their damn hairall the time.
The solution here is obvious.
I'm banning all college.
It's a waste of time.
You think I went to collegeto be a judge?
I think you have to.
-You didn't go to college?-No.
I just bought this on eBay, man.
I got this robe from my pastor.Court adjourned.
Get the (bleep) out.Just go on.
Bitch, I'm the judge.