For moreon what Donald Trump said
that Matt Lauer should have called out,
here's Desi Lydicwith What the Actual Fact?
(cheers and applause)
Thank you, Trevor.
Well, Donald Trump spokelast night,
so... here we are.
Let's startwith Trump's relationship
with his bro-bushka,Vladimir Putin.
When referring to a commentthat Putin made about you--
I think he called youa "brilliant leader"--
you said,"It's always a great honor
"to be so nicely complimentedby a man so highly respected
within his country and beyond."
Do you want to be complimentedby that former KGB officer?
Well, I thinkwhen he calls me brilliant,
I'll take the compliment.
If he says great thingsabout me,
I'm gonna say great thingsabout him.
Wait. "If he says great thingsabout me,
I'm gonna say great thingsabout him"?
Trump is confusingthe presidency with Instagram.
-(laughter)-Um, she's a fascist bitch,
but she liked my brunch selfie,
so, "You look gorgeous, girl."Like!
Back to the facts.
Putin called Trump yarkii,
a Russian word which meansbright or brilliant,
but not in the senseof intelligent.
A better translation iscolorful or flamboyant.
So Putin didn't meanEinstein brilliant,
he meantRonald McDonald brilliant.
calling this a complimentis false.
It sounds good,
but it means something totallydifferent than you think--
like a Chinese character tattooyou get at a strip mall.
-(laughter) -Look, okay,I thought it meant serenity.
It turns out it means menu.(groans)
Just don't worry about it.
Next. Lauer asked Trumpthe question on everyone's mind:
"You might be president--
how freaked outshould we be exactly?"
-When your commander in chief,-Sure.
you can spark a conflict,you can destabilize a region,
you can put American livesat risk.
Can we affordto take that risk with you?
Well, I think absolutely.I think if you saw what happened
in Mexico the other day,where I went there,
I had great relationship...
Look at the aftermath today,
where the people thatarranged the trip in Mexico
have been forced outof government.
That's how well we did.
After Trump visited Mexico,
their finance ministerwas forced to resign,
because Mexicans were so angry
that he invited Donald Trumpto their country.
In other words, Trump sayshe won't cause global turmoil,
and then to prove it,
he points to the global turmoilhe just caused.
You know,it's almost as if Donald Trump
is a total (bleep) nutjob
and I'm wastingmy fake journalism degree
checking his so-called facts
as though he never meansor even knows
anything that he'sever talking about. (laughs)
Trump's claimis supposed to be comforting,
but instead it comes offas really disturbing,
so I give this a Teletubby.
Why does it have a penison its head?
Finally, let's lookat Donald Trump's criticism
of Hillary Clinton's supportfor military action in Libya.
Hey, Matt, again,she made a mistake on Libya.
She made a terrible mistakeon Libya.
Not onlydid she make the mistake,
but then they complicatedthe mistake.
I mean, she madea terrible mistake on Libya.
Like Augustus Gloop atWilly Wonka's Chocolate River,
that's where Matt Lauershould have jumped in.
Because we've all talkedabout this before.
Back in 2011,Donald Trump himself
demanded intervention in Libya.
But to be fair, how do youexpect Matt Lauer to know
that Trump saidhe would also invade Libya?
I mean, it's not like Trumpsaid it to his face.
How would you handle thesituation in Libya right now?
I would certainly supporta no-fly zone at a minimum.
Even at the risk of committingour military forces,
not only in the airbut on the ground?
I would not do itfor a long period of time,
but you can't allow--this is like the Holocaust--
you can't allowsomething like this to happen.
Oh, look, he just said itto his face.
So, let's see, Trump supportedthe Libyan invasion
and Matt Lauer was in the roomas he did it,
but everyone's pretendinglike it didn't happen.
So, I give this a walking inon your parents (bleep)ing.
Turns out my mom alsohas a serenity tattoo.