it's really great to be back.
We've been awayfor a while now-- two weeks--
and it feels likeit's been forever.
I just got back from Australia,
where everythingis backward to America.
Their water flushesthe other way.
Their people driveon the other side of the road,
and in their American election,Jeb Bush is winning.
-(laughter)-It's a totally different world.
But let's get into the news.Let's get into it.
President Obama wasn't ableto enjoy the Labor Day weekend
because he had to fly to Chinafor his final G20 summit,
which is basicallythe back-to-school
of the world's20 most powerful nations.
You know, they brush upon their economics,
they learn each other's names.
And it always endsthe same way--
with Germany giving Francea wedgie.
But do you see, the French guy--he's having a good time.
He's like,"Ha, ha, the joke's on you.
-I don't wear underwear."-(laughter)
And the German guy is like,"No, the double joke is on you.
I wasn't reachingfor your underwear."
And I'm sure Obama was glad
that this was his final summit,though,
because it was not fun for him.
You know, first of all,talks broke down with Russia.
Putin refused to agreeto a cease-fire in Syria.
And I mean, you can see
that there's no love lostbetween these two men.
Just look at this picture.
Look at this pictureof their meeting.
That is... I've never seen Obamalook that...
Like, he's looked at Trump,
and he has a bit of, like,a smile in his eyes.
-(laughter)-This is just... Wow.
He does not like...
Like, he's droning himwith his eyes right now.
They're like the Hiddle-Swiftof the G20.
-That's what they are.-(laughter and groaning)
And, uh, and Putin-- you forgethow small he is, as well.
Because we're so usedto seeing Vladimir Putin
-in propaganda pictures.-(laughter)
It's always him looking bad-ass,you know.
But you'll notice, they nevershow him standing next
to other people, 'cause thatwould expose his actual size.
Yeah, you see that horse?
-That's not a horse.That's a pony. -(laughter)
That's what that is.That's what that is.
-(applause)-We've just never noticed it.
Everything about that picture.
Like, next to Obama,
like, Putin's face alsolooks a little bit dumpy.
It has like a...
Although, to be fair,it's not his fault.
I mean, everyone looks bad
standing nextto President Obama. I mean...
-(cheers and applause)-Yeah, everyone does.
This is... this is himwith Zac Efron.
-That's, like, I mean...-(laughter)
And you could tell Obama wasgonna have a tough time in China
from the very momentAir Force One landed.
MAN:The president's trip was marked
by an awkward opening moment.
MAN 2: Chinese officials did not provide
the traditional staircase and red carpet
reserved for world leaders.
Instead, President Obama had to exit
from small stairs at the belly of the plane.
MAN: Some observers described itas a Chinese snub.
Oh, a Chinese snub,which Urban Dictionary defines
as when a mangets his dick stuck
inside a Chinese finger trap.
I'm told that the trickis to stop pulling,
-but I'm not doing that.-(laughter)
Uh, also, people,let's not make it seem
like Obama lost any of his swag,
because the Chinesedidn't bring him stairs.
Like, I hear people saying that,
"Oh, they disrespected him.They dis..."
No, all they did was give theU.S. president an opportunity
to show that he has a planewith its own stairs.
Do you knowhow impressive that is?
Stairs that come outof your plane.
Like, Obama was just just like,"What's that? No stairs?
"Uh, well, I've got my own.I've got my own.
"Oh, what's that?No Chinese people to greet me?
-Well, I brought my own, too."-(laughter)
"This plane has everything."
You know, now, normally,
when it comes to complicatedinternational policy stories,
you need experts, you know, tohelp break down what happened.
But when it's somethingas stupid as this story,
there's only one manfor the job.
Which red carpet goes like that?
Was Trump watchingthe same thing that we were?
Which red carpet... Who'scoming down stairs like this?
Like, Trump has flairthat we don't know about?
"I'm coming down the stairs.I'm coming down the st..."
What are you even talking about?
Trump is purely about ego.Like, no red carpet?
He's upset?He's like, "Oh, this is...
this is not how a cartoon-richperson would roll"?
That's basicallywhat he's saying.
Because you realize,under the red carpet,
those stairs are metal, too,Donald Trump.
Trump makes it soundlike the carpet is there
to protect the president's feet.
But how weak are your feet,Donald Trump?
That's what I want to know.Don't tell me you have
tiny hands and weak feet,don't tell me that.
-Don't tell me that.-(applause)
Because he makes it sound...
Donald Trump makes it sound like
Obama's gonna walkout of the plane barefoot
going like, "Ow, ow,m-my feet, my feet, ow, ow,
I'm burning up,my feet, my feet!"
Like, I don't getTrump's point at all.
They didn't have the rightstairs for the president,
so President Obama said,okay, screw it,
I'll just go downthe metal stairs and do my job.
You know? So the question is,Donald Trump, how would you
have professionally handledthe situation?
that's what I likeabout Donald Trump.
He says it like it is.
And clearly,"it" is dumb as (bleep).
he's saying as presidenthe would walk away
from a major economic summitbecause of a carpet?
You realize Obama sealed theclimate change deal with China
at the G-20.
Donald Trump wouldn'thave even left the plane.
That's like calling offyour own wedding
because the flower girlthrew the petals wrong.
Like, Trump is like, "You can'tjust throw them anywhere, Ida.
"You can't throw them anywhere.I'm not doing it.
"I'm not doing itIt's done. It's over.
I must say, though, I must say,there is something appealing,
I understand--people who go like,
"I want a president who, whenhe deals with foreign leaders
doesn't pull any punches."
There is something appealingto that.
Like, imagine if Donald Trump
actually metthe president of Mexico.
Can you imagine... can youimagine what he would say to...
I mean, for a year he was like,"Mexicans are rapists
"and they're drug dealers,
and the wall,and they're gonna pay..."
can you imagine what Trump,the straight talker, would say
if he got into the same roomas the Mexican president?
I happen to havea tremendous feeling
for... Mexican Americans.
They are amazing people.Amazing people.
(like Trump):"Is he still watching me?
Is he watching? Is he watching?"
"Yeah, Trump.""I thought so."