But we are back, folks.It's Monday.
And what a weekend it was.What a weekend.
Congrats, first of all, to allthe Emmy winners last night.
Especially Key and Peele,uh, my boys,
and, uh, John Oliver,congratulations on that Emmy.
-(cheering, applause)-Well deserved. Yeah.
Both... both great shows.
And both luckythat Game of Thrones
wasn't in their category. Yeah.
Once Khaleesi starts...doing comedy, guys,
it's, uh, it's over.
-(laughter)-Just so you know. It's over.
But the big news this weekend,the biggest news,
happened in New York.
We start with breaking newsout of New York this morning.
29 people were injured Saturday night
in what officials say was an intentional explosion
at the busy Manhattan neighborhood of Chelsea.
The noise was deafening, likea thousand fireworks going off.
People running,um, wiping their eyes,
and just terrified.
It sounded like a million pianosjust dropped...
This, uh, really wasa frightening experience.
Saturday nightthere was a terrorist attack
in New York City,and fortunately,
no one was killed.
And can I just give a shoutoutto all of the first responders
who rushed into assist at the scene.
Seeing those images was honestlyone of the most amazing things.
People running in to help--that was truly amazing.
So congratsto all of those people.
Uh, and by the way,I love that piano kid.
-(laughter)-Just by the way.
No, that's how you know you livein a First World country.
-(laughter)-When... when your children
describe explosionsas pianos falling.
Yes. I doubt in Syriathey have that problem.
What did it sound like?
It sounded like a bomb,that's what it sounded like.
Someone's like, "The only thingI know that's loud
"is a piano falling.
Yes, that's what that is."
And, you know,I live in New York,
and I thought I was gettingthe hang of it, you know?
I know where the best pizza is,
I know how to avoid ratson the subway, you know,
just don't makeeye contact, um...
and-and I know which Elmoin Times Square
-sells the best weed.-(laughter)
But this weekend,this weekend taught me
that being a New Yorker is somuch more than just buying weed
and taking the subwaydown to get some pizza.
You know? Because the news,if you're watching the news,
they made it sound like everyonein New York was panicking.
But real New Yorkers,they weren't terrorized.
They were... inconvenienced.
I'm here saying I need to goto work tomorrow, I need my car.
We were supposed to go seea movie tonight; that shut down.
NEWSMAN: People are more concerned about why the subways
weren't running as smoothly as they normally are.
We were just driving on Park,
and you couldn't turninto half the blocks, so...
-What were you thinking?-I'm thinking,
should I be sitting herestill enjoying my meal at BBQ's?
I am waiting hereto see when I can go get my car
from over there--it's a... it's a rental.
-(laughter)-"It's a rental."
"It's a rental."
That is insane.
She rented a carin New York City?
Who are you, lady?
Who are you?Haven't you heard of Uber?
Who is this person?
New Yorkers are hard, man.
A bomb went off in Chelsea,
and that same night,a few blocks away
people were partyingin the club.
Just, like, everyone was like,
"Hey, did you hear about thebomb that went off a few bl..."
"Yeah, man, that's a consequence
of livingin a free society, man. Yeah!"
♪ I know you want me, whoo!
♪ I know I want you, whoo!
♪ You know I want, yeah...
-(applause, whooping)-That's New York!
These people, I...I guess when you think about it,
it makes sense--because this is the same city
where there's so much dangerall the time,
that basically all thesuperheroes have to live here.
Think about it.That'll harden you guys.
The Ninja Turtles live here,
uh, Spider-Man-- alwaysfighting crime here, right?
Although... although,I think Spider-Man,
that's, like... he only can fight crime in New York.
Probably tried that (bleep) inKansas and it didn't work out.
Yeah, there's no buildings.He's just running around like,
I don't know.
I-I swear, where I'm from,I'm a superhero.
I'm a superhero. You don't...If you had buildings,
man, I would be showing youright now.
I would be showing youright now.
And-and by the way,this is great news.
As of right now, the policehave a suspect in custody,
which is amazing.
Within two days, in a regionof 20 million people,
they managed to findand arrest the suspect.
Although, although,they did get a little help
from some civic-mindedNew Yorkers.
TV REPORTER: Two thieves ended up helping police
in this investigation.
The pair found that pressure-cooker bomb
in Chelsea that didn't go off Saturday night.
It was in a rolling suitcase that the pair was stealing
on West 27th Street.
They opened up the bag, they found the bomb inside.
They put the bomb in a garbage bag,
and then left with the empty suitcase.
The thieves inadvertently disabled the explosive
when they took it out of the bag.
And that allowed investigators to examine the cell phone
that was attached to the bomb,
and that phone eventually helped investigators
find Ahmad Rahami's family.
Well, there you have it, folks.
-I guess crime does pay, huh?-(laughter, applause)
The thieves stole the bagthat had the bomb.
You know, you know...
You know when you watch movies,and like,
people act like expertswhen diffusing a bomb.
What do you got to do,what do you...
And these guys are just like,
"Ugh, there's a bombin the bag, ugh."
Yeah, it turns out all you needis confidence.
That's a testament to how badassNew Yorkers are.
And also,how expensive luggage is.
You just can't take your eyesoff it.
I finally understand whyBen Carson reacted like this:
You said he learneda lot of things.
-What do you think he took awayfrom-from today? -Oh.
-My luggage.-(Reporter chuckles)
-Uh... hold on.-Okay.
Yeah, and then he ranto New York,
"My luggage, my luggage."
Not only were New Yorkersnot affected by the bomb,
New Yorkerswere genuinely annoyed
by having to dealwith the bombing.
I've never seen anythinglike this.
Because early this morning,all right,
the City of New Yorksent an emergency alert
to everyone's phoneto be on the lookout
for a particular suspect.
And New Yorkers were so madthat the alert woke them up.
Everyone was tweeting about it.
My favorite, my favorite tweetwas this one, when someone said,
"Sick and tired of the alert(bleep) spamming my phone,
"whoever know wherethis bitch at, please tell 911,
so I can (bleep) sleep."
That... that is badass.
The person is sick and tired.
It's the first time you ever gota terror alert.
"I'm already sick and tired."
I've never seen anyonehit the snooze button
on a terrorism alert before.
And I, I just,I just love the idea.
I just love the idea that peoplewere more pissed off about this,
than the actual actof terrorism.
I wonder if terroristsare now like,
looking at these-these tweetslike,
"Are you kidding me?Are you kidding me?
"Do you know how hard it isto make bombs?
"I could have just sent peoplemessages in the morning?
"This is all I neededto terrorize them?
"Forget the C-4, we just needunlimited texting plans.
What's going on here?"