Gladys Reports a Turd

  • Season 1 , Ep 3
  • 06/16/2002
  • Views: 65,223

After Gladys Murphy picks up her car, she's shocked to find a huge turd in the backseat. (3:17)

THANK YOU FOR CALLING "S.S.T.TOWING", HOW MAY I HELP YOU ?

I JUST PICKED UP MY'92 ACCORD FROM YOUR LOT,

AND THERE IS A HUGE TURDIN THE BACKSEAT !

AND THERE'S WH-- THERE'SWHAT IN THE BACKSEAT ?

A turd, a pieceof ( bleep ).

A big-ass human turd inthe backseat of my car.

MA'AM, I ASSURE YOU, OUR GUYSDID NOT TAKE A DUMP IN YOUR CAR.

IF YOU WANT TO,BRING THAT CAR BACK,

AND WE'LL TAKEA LOOK AT IT.

OH, YOU WANNA TAKEA LOOK AT IT ?

MY CAR IS FINE, IT'S THATBIG-ASS TURD IN THE BACKSEAT.

OKAY, WHAT WOULDYOU LIKE ME TO DO ?

Okay, how about I go toyour house and pinch a loaf

on your couch,how about that ?

MA'AM, WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE METO DO TO FIX THE SITUATION ?

I WANT SOMEBODY TOCOME OVER HERE,

GET THIS TURDOUT MY BACKSEAT--

THAT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

What do you mean it'snot gonna happen ?

YOU CAN BRING THE CAR HEREAND WE COULD TAKE A LOOK AT IT.

I am, I'm gonnabring it back there.

You know whatI'm gonna do ?

I'M GONNA TAKE A DUMP INEVERY LAST CAR YOU GOT THERE.

I'm gonna peeon your counter.

I'M GONNA DO IT ALL.

TO SHOW YOUHOW IT FEELS.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT ?

YOU SOUND LIKE A BIG, BURLY MAN,IT PROBABLY CAME OUT YOUR ASS.

OH, YEAH, I DON'T MAKEIT A HABIT OF GOING OUT

AND TAKING A DUMPIN THE CARS.

HOW MUCH DOYOU WEIGH ?

Uhh... about 400 pounds.

THAT'S YOUR TURD.

That's my turd, huh ?

THAT CAME FROMA 400-POUND MAN, HUH ?

YES, THIS IS A 400-POUND MAN,EITHER THAT OR A GORILLA.

I'm driving this car rightto my lawyer's office,

AND I'M GONNA LETTHE WHOLE WORLD SEE.

YOU GONNA BE ON THE NEWSTHIS EVENING, BUDDY.

I'M GONNA GETSEVEN ON MY SIDE.

WATCH, YOU'RE GONNABE ON THE NEWS.

Can you describethe piece of ( bleep ) ?

I mean, what doesit look like ?

YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS,IT CAME OUT YOUR ASS !

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU, WHATKINDA, ASKING ME WHAT COLOR.

I TELL YOU WHAT,IT SMELLS UNGODLY.

THAT'S WHAT ITSMELLS LIKE.

IT SMELLS LIKE YOU SOLDYOUR ASS TO THE DEVIL.

That came fromthe pits of hell.

WELL, HOW BIG IS IT,HOW LONG IS IT ?

It's about aslong as my arm.

( laughing )

I DON'T THINK IT'S FUNNY,WHY Y'ALL-- THIS IS NOT FUNNY.

I GOT A DAMN TWO-BY-FOURIN MY BACKSEAT.

YOU KNOW, I THINK THERE'SSOME RACIAL ( bleep ), TOO.

THAT'S WHAT THIS IS.

Uh-huh.

LITTLE KIDS ARERUNNING AWAY FROM IT.

( laughing )

I'M GLAD Y'ALLFIND THIS FUNNY.

Okay.

YOU'RE PROBABLY JACKING OFFON THE STEERING WHEELS, TOO,

DON'T YOU ?

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

HOW LONG DOES IT LOOK LIKEIT'S BEEN SITTING IN THERE ?

STEAM IS COMINGOFF OF IT, OKAY ?

STEAM IS COMINGOFF OF IT ?

Yes.

IT COULDN'T BE THERETHAT LONG THEN, HUH ?

I AM TAKING--IT'S A FRESH TURD !

Okay, what youneed to do...

IS YOU NEED TO BRING THAT TURDBACK, AND WE'LL MATCH IT UP.

WE GOT A LINE-UP.

WE'LL MATCH IT UP WITHTHE OTHER TURDS THAT WE HAVE.

WELL, WHAT YOU NEED TO DO ISLEARN HOW TO USE A TOILET.

SO YOU'RE NOT GONNA BRINGTHE TURD BACK TO ME ?

NO.

I'M STARTINGTO LIKE IT.

You're gonna keepit as a pet ?

I'M GONNA KEEP IT, 'CAUSE IT'SA NICE LITTLE-- YOU KNOW WHAT ?

IT'S A NICECONVERSATION PIECE.

OKAY, COOL.

OKAY ?Thanks, ma'am.

THANK YOU, BUBBA.

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