But first, despite the ferventhashtags on your Twitter feed,
Donald Trump is, unfortunately,
which meanstwo things have to happen.
One-- we need more hashtags.
-Hashtag more hashtags,that's right. -(laughter)
Hashtag more, people.
And two-- while waitingfor the hashtags to work,
now might also be a good timeto learn
what Donald Trump's plans arefor the country,
because somehow,during an 18-month campaign,
-we never actually asked.-(laughter)
We never actually askedpolicy questions.
You realize there areso many things we don't know.
We don't even know what the "J"in Donald J. Trump stands for.
-(laughter) -A lot of peopledon't know this,
but it actually stands
(with Spanish pronunciation):for "Jesus," yeah.
-(laughter)-It's a lot of self-loathing.
But last night, luckily,
from deep withinKing Midas's rectum,
Donald Trump finally sat down
for his first interviewas president-elect.
And I think it was fittingthat he went with 60 Minutes,
because this sound...
-...sounded like America wasrunning out of time. -(laughter)
On election night, I heardyou went completely silent.
Was it a sort of
-realization...-I think so.
-...of the enormity of thisthing for you? -I think so.
I've done a lot of big things.
I've never done anythinglike this.
It is... it is so big.
It is so, um...
It's so enormous.It's so amazing.
Kind of just took your breatheaway, couldn't talk.
A little bit, a little bit.
And I think, um, I realized
that this is a whole differentlife for me now.
Well, now you knowhow we feel, Donald.
You're really surprised
that the job of presidentof the United States of America
is mildly different from sellingreal estate and meat?
-You're surprised by that?-(laughter)
"This is a whole different lifefor me now."
After applyingfor the job for two years,
you shouldn't approach itwith the same amount of wonder
that Jasmine did in Aladdin.
-That's not what you do.-(laughter)
Trump's there like,
♪ A whole different lifefor me now ♪
♪ No one to tell me noor where to go. ♪
-(laughter)-Now don't get me wrong.
Don't get me wrong.
I'm not saying that Donald Trumpshould downplay the gravity
of the job of president,but it would be nice
if he had an inklingof what he actually had to do.
Because I get it.
The peopled wantedsomeone fresh.
And if the people wanted someonewho could have come in
and knownhow to dot job right away,
they would have electedHillary Clinton.
Instead, we got someone whowalks around The White House
like a toddlerat a space museum.
-(like toddler): "What's this?What's this?" -(laughter)
"What's this?Can I push it?
I like this statue."
(imitating man):"Uh, sir, that's Mike Pence."
Because, um,correct me if I'm wrong.
If you had just becomepresident of the United States,
and leader of the free world,
what is the one thing you mightno longer be focused on?
Are you goingto be tweeting, and...
whatever you're upset about,just put out there?
-So...-When you're president?
It's a modern formof communication.
Between Fa... you know,Facebook and Twitter,
and I guess Instagram,I have 28 million people.
-28 million people.-So you are going to keep it up?
I think I picked up yesterday100,000 people.
-Who is this guy?-(laughter)
He's bragging that he picked up100,000 followers yesterday?
No, dude, you're going to bepresident of the United States.
-You picked up 300 millionfollowers. -(laughter)
And we can't block,mute or unfollow you.
But we can still troll you, andwe are going to troll you hard.
(applause and cheering)-Hashtag, #hashtagmore.
Now one of the reasonsthis interview was so important
is that since Trump's victory,
America has been grapplingwith the reported rise
in hate crimes against Muslims,Hispanics, black people,
basically everyonenot wearing a red cap.
But it appears that Donald Trumphas been so consumed
with Twitter that he hasn't hada chance to check Twitter.
LESLEY STAHL: Mr. Trump said he had not heard about some of
the acts of violence that are popping up in his name.
I'm very surprised to hear that.I would...
-STAHL: Telling Muslims...-I hate to hear that.
I mean, I hate to hear that.
-But you do hear it.-I don't hear it.
Do you want to say anythingto those people?
I would say, don't do it.That's terrible.
I am so...saddened to hear that.
And I say stop itif it... if it helps.
I will say this, and I'll say itright to the camera.
"Now... frisk it."
Donald Trump is truly a genius,people, 'cause I can tell you,
whatever I was doing,when I saw this, I stopped.
Maybe... maybe that'shis secret plan to beat ISIS.
He's just gonna look them in thecamera and say "ISIS, stop it."
-"Illegal immigrants, stop it."-(laughter)
-"Stop signs, you do you..."-(laughter)
"...which involves stopping it."
I think it's nice
that Donald Trump denounced hatecrimes performed in his name.
But why do I feel likehe's going to find out
what it it's liketo tell someone to stop,
but they still keep going,you know?
And as an immigrant,
it's obvious that I would bewary of Donald Trump.
And as a black person,it's obvious
that I would be waryof Donald Trump.
But after this interview,I feel like there's a new group
who should be worriedabout the Trump presidency,
and that's Donald Trumpsupporters.
Because he built his entirecampaign on three main things:
build a wall, lock her up,
drain the swamp.
Phrases that sound lesslike a campaign promise
and more like options in a Choose Your Own Adventure book.
But still, a lot of people votedfor Donald Trump
because of those promises.
Especially "build a wall."
If he was Michael Jackson,the wall was his Thriller.
And just like Michael Jackson,
he's startingto moonwalk away from it.
Are you reallygonna build a wall?
-Yes.-They're talking about a fence
-in the Republican congress.-Sure.
-Would you accept a fence?-Uh...
for certain areas, I would.
I'm sorry, wait, wh...wait, what just happened there?
Did that guy just negotiatehimself from a wall to a fence?
What just happened there?No, no, no, I'm sorry.
Because as a Trump supporter,
I would not be impressedwith that.
I signed up for a wall!
No one talks aboutthe "great fence of China."
No one talksabout the great series
of barrier restrictionsof China. No!
We want a wall!
Imagine Mexico.Mexico must be like, "Yo,
"our currency crashedbecause of that wall.
You better build it, man!"
Humpty Dumpty's like,"What the (bleep), Donald!
"I can't sit on a fence!
I'm not Paul Ryan!"
and by the way, by the way,if you voted for Trump
because you thoughtthat no matter what
he would send Hillary to prison,well, uh, bad news, bro.
Are you going to askfor a special prosecutor
to investigate Hillary Clintonover her e-mails?
Well, I'll tell youwhat I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna think about it.She did some bad things.
-I mean, she did ... -I know,but a special prosecutor?
-I don't want to hurt them.-Do you think you might...
I don't want to hurt them.
They're-they're good people.
W-Wait. The Clintonsare good people?
Good people?Not neutral people.
Good people.Not even, like, okay people.
You went straightto good people...
commonly referred toas "Crooked Hillary..."
She's crookedas a three-dollar bill.
She should be in prison.
She's the queen of corruption.
She's a disaster.
She's a dangerous liar...
-She's the devil.-She's a monster.
Wow. From "the devil"to "good people."
That must have been one hellof a fruit basket she sent him.
Donald Trump got elected basedon a lot of campaign promises,
and less than a week laterhe's dropping them
like they're a womanwho just turned 45.
-(laughter, groans)-If you... if you voted
for Trump's wall...
now there's a good chanceyou may not be getting it.
If you votedabout Hillary Clinton,
well, that she-devilis set to roam free.
But at leastthere's still one thing
Donald Trump also promisedhis people--
to crack downon the corruption--
lobbyists, who he said wererunning Washington, remember?
"Drain the swamp."
Your own transition teamis filled with lobbyists.
It's the only peopleyou have down there.
Everybody's a lobbyistdown there.
That's what they are--they're lobbyists
-to special interests.-On your own transition team.
We're trying to clean upWashington. Look...
-How can you clean...-Everything...
everything down there...there are no people.
We're doing a lot of thingsto clean up the system,
but everybodythat works for government,
they then leave government
and they become a lobbyist,essentially.
I mean, the whole place,it's one big lobbyist.
(laughs): Get the (bleep)out of here, man.
No, you promised, you promisedthat you would rid Washington
of special interests influence.You said that.
You said youwould "drain the swamp."
Now you're bringing the swamp into the White House?
How is that fixing the problem?It's like...
it's like if your toiletwas backed up,
so you hire a guy to cometo your house to unclog it.
He takes a look,and then he goes, "Hmm, hmm.
"There's, uh, too much (bleep)in this toilet.
"We need to drain this toilet.
"There's only one wayto fix this.
Mmm... mmm... mmm..."
-(cheering)-And you know what's crazy is...
you're looking at him like,hey, man,
you just made it worse!What kind of a plumber are you?
And he's like (like Trump):Who said I was a plumber?
I'm an outsider.
By the way,follow me on Twitter.