-(laughter)-Here's a question.
Have you ever had one of thoseweekends where it's so horrible,
you thought to yourself, "Man,
I should have just canceled theweekend and stayed at work."?
Well, Hillary Clinton--she had that weekend,
and it all started on Friday.
Hillary Clinton facing a majorbacklash from Republicans
after opening up a newand biting line of attack
against opponent Donald Trumpand his supporters.
The racist, sexist,homophobic, xenophobic
Islamophobic, you name it.
You could put halfof Trump supporters
into what I call"the basket of deplorables."
"Basket of deplorables."
Damn! Grandma slam!
You knowwhen Hillary said that all
the grannies in her cliquelost their mind!
They were just like,"Damn, Hillary!"
But look, but look,on the real, though--
a lot of people were upsetby Hillary's comments,
and honestly,I actually agree with them,
because Hillary can't berunning around the country
insulting and generalizingabout large groups of people.
You know, that's Trump's vibe.
And even if polls show that 76%of Trump's supporters want
to ban all Muslim immigrants,
and 40% say blacks are lazierthan whites,
you can't just go aroundcalling half
of Trump supporters"a basket of deplorables."
The correct term is"a duffel of dip (bleep).
-(laughter) -That's... that'swhat you were looking for there.
So try and be accurate.
So that was...that was Hillary's Friday.
So now fast-forwardto Sunday morning.
Now, if over the past few weeks
you've been watchingthe news nonstop
because you hate yourself,
or because you can't findthe remote control,
then you'll know,one of the biggest conspiracies
going around right now isthat Hillary Clinton is dying.
And not in the"we're all dying" kind of way.
No, no, no. In adeath-is-imminent kind of way,
like the Grim Reaper is wearinga Hillary shirt kind of way.
That's the kind of deathwe're talking about.
And everyonehas different theories,
but the bottom line is,she gonna die.
Traumatic brain injurywith symptoms
down the roadis very, very likely here.
She coughed on the airplane, andthen she spit something up.
MAN: She may have arthritis.
Is there a possibilityshe had a mini stroke?
...rumors about her havingbrain damage, coughs,
and even-- I hate to say this--even syphilis.
MAN (over speaker):It's obvious that, uh,
Hillary has hadthis Parkinson disease
for ten years now, and they sayshe has one year to live.
Where do you get the Parkinson's
and the "one year to live"facts?
Uh, off of Facebook.
(Southern accent):Uh, yeah. Off of Facebook.
NOAH: That's really whatthis campaign has become.
Voters making theirmost important decisions
based on what they seeon Facebook.
And I don't understand why.
Because the people on Facebook
are the people we knowin real life.
We don't trust themin real life, either.
But when we see their commentson Facebook,
all of a sudden we're like,"You know what,
"drunk Uncle Billyyou've got a point.
"Maybe Hillary is dying.
And I bet Harambe was an inside job. Yeah!"
Now, normally, we'd be quickto dismiss those theories--
we'd be so quickto dismiss them--
but then... Sunday happened.
Some concerns raisedthis morning
about the well-beingof Hillary Clinton
after she left the 9/11 memorial service
earlier than expected.
NEWSMAN: The reason was a medical episode.
As one witness told me, uh, she appeared to faint.
NEWSMAN: Clinton then taken
to her daughter Chelsea's apartment
three miles away.
NEWSWOMAN: About two hours later,
Clinton appears, smiling and waving.
-WOMAN: Are you feeling better?-Yes. Thank you.
NEWSMAN: According to her campaign, she overheated...
Okay, now, here's the thing.
Hillary faintsat the 9/11 memorial,
and then she just comes outand waves, like, "Hey!"
Doesn't talk to anyone.You can't just come out,
and make it likeit's normal, Hillary.
You fainted.We want to know what happened.
You're just walking out like,♪ I dropped it like it's hot
♪ Drop it like it's hot.
If you think America was justgonna simply accept "overheated"
as an answer,well, then you don't know
how divided this country is.
Because it's gotten so bad,people can't even agree
on wha the weather is.
The weather has been horrific.
Very hot.Extremely humid temperatures.
It was not as hotas it has been in New York,
I can tell you that.
It was very humid out here,I have to tell you.
It was a beautifulSeptember morning...
NEWSWOMAN: ...just miserable outside...
NEWSMAN: It wasn't that hot...
She's on in extreme heat...
...a day that isn'tparticularly hot...
NEWSWOMAN: ...unseasonably warm...
...very, very comfortable...
It was very, very,very, very hot.
I had sweatedthrough my entire suit.
Weather is nota subjective thing.
Just give us the weather report.
Yeah, because one person'sgonna say it's hot,
another person'sgonna say it's cold--
it depends on who you ask.If you ask me, if you were like,
"Hey, Trevor, what did you thinkof the weather yesterday
in New York,"I'll be like, "Well, personally,
I think it was one ofthe coldest days of the year."
Why? Because I'm from Africa.
That's why. Yeah.
And my malaria has affectedmy perception of heat.
Where you don't knowif I'm kidding.
So, it was hot outsideor it wasn't hot.
Hillary was overheatedor she was exhausted.
No one really knows,and that's the problem.
Because then,after Hillary's camp
told their story,this video comes out on Twitter.
And look at this video.
Hillary can barely stand,all right?
The van pulls up, and she hasto be hoisted into the van.
Now, puttingyour politics aside,
this is a disturbing videoto watch.
Because Hillarydoesn't look fine.
She looks like she'sjust had brunch with Bill Cosby.
and now, only becausethis video came out,
only becausethis video came out,
the Clinton campaignhad to admit
that somethingreally was going on.
NEWSWOMAN: Clinton's doctor, Lisa Bardack,
announcing eight hours after the Democratic nominee
left the 9/11 ceremony
that Clinton was diagnosed with pneumonia on Friday,
news withheld from reporters at the time.
Yes. Hillary was diagnosedwith pneumonia on Friday,
and her campaigndidn't tell anyone about it.
And you know what? Everyone--especially reporters--
have a right to be angry.
You know?As does everybody else
who Hillary kissed and touchedthis weekend.
Yeah. Look at her, look at her,handing out pneumonia
like it's a free sampleat Costco.
"Would you like some pneumonia?Like some..."
And I don't care.All you people like,
"Pneumonia isn'tespecially contagious."
Hey, you let me decide that!
My body, my choice, okay?
You see, this is... this isthe problem with the Clintons.
It's not the thingsthat they do that get them.
It's the way they tryand cover them up.
Because if you knewon Friday, Hillary,
that you had pneumonia,and you've known for a while
that your opponentshave been saying
that you are hidinga terminal illness,
you could endall the speculation
by being transparent,
just coming out and saying,"I have pneumonia."
Instead, you walk outof your daughter's apartment
acting like nothing's wrong.
I mean, look at that.
The purse is there.
Walking out of that apartmentwas Hillary's chance
to set things right.
I mean, here are justa few of the things
Hillary could have said.
I have pneumonia, you (bleep)!
Oh, I'm going... I'm going...I'm going down!
I'm going down again.
So I have pneumonia,
and I decided to work today,anyway,
despite my doctor's advice,
but let's be honest,
if I hadn't cometo the 9/11 memorial today,
you would have called meunpatriotic and chewed me out,
so I guess in the endit doesn't really matter!
All right, bye-bye!
Just some suggestionsfor next time.
Use the, don't use them.
But no matter what, if thishappens again, Hillary,
please, just sit us down,
look us in the eye,and tell us the truth.
But not-not that close.
Don't come close.
You've got pneumonia.
We'll be right back.
(cheers and applause)