Roast Battle - Ralphie May vs. Mike Lawrence

Roast Battle - Night Three - Uncensored Season 1, Ep 4 07/30/2016 Views: 16,545

Mike Lawrence relentlessly slams Ralphie May with jokes about his weight, and Ralphie fires back with quips about Mike's body odor. (3:30)

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Oh, yes!

Let's roast!

[ Bell dinging ]

Ralphie's going through a

divorce.

It says a lot that your wife

would rather take half your

money now when she could just

wait three months to get all of

it.

[ Laughter ]

[ Gunshots ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

That was a good one.

That was a good one.

People don't know Mike is a

second-generation shitty comic.

He's comedy royalty, and by

that, he smells like Prince does

now.

[ Audience "oh"s ]

[ Air horn blares ]

You know, black people love

Ralphie -- mainly because he

breaks through walls to give

them Kool-Aid.

[ Laughter ]

[ Gunshots ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Gunshots continue ]

[ Gunshots continue ]

Mike, I'm not saying you're

retarded, but when you eat a

girl out, it's called going Down

Syndrome.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Audience "oh"s ]

[ Lasers firing ]

You know, the roughest part of

Ralphie's divorce was getting

the ring off his finger.

[ Laughter ]

[ Explosion ]

Told you.

[ Siren wails ]

Mike reminds me of Pepé Le Pew

from the "Looney Tunes"

cartoons.

He smells like shit and he's

rapey as [bleep]

[ Laughter ]

[ Gun cocks ]

All right.

[ Gunshots ]

Last...joke.

Last joke.

I am battling an angry cloud.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Laughter ]

[ Audience "oh"s ]

Oh, yeah.

This "Roast Battle"'s been

brought to you by Febreze.

[ Laughs ]

Stinky mother[bleep]

The fog just makes you look more

like the iceberg that sunk the

Titanic.

[ Audience cheering ]

That's great.

Yeah.

Wait a minute.

He gets two?

That's a rebuttal, that's a

rebuttal.

That's fine.

Go ahead, Mike.

Look, Ralphie, I know you think

it's hack to make fun of you for

being fat, but here's the thing

--

It is.

Your family's gone -- your

family deserted you, and Dat

Phan beat you on "Last Comic

Standing."

The reason I make fun of your

weight is because it's the only

thing you haven't lost.

[ Audience "oh"s ]

[ Laughter ]

[ Gunshots, sirens wailing ]

Hope you're laughing.

Hope you're laughing.

[ Cheering, indistinct shouting

]

All right, no problem.

I would -- let's do this.

[ Chuckles ]

Mike is so [bleep] stinky, he

makes onions cry.

His breath smells like his

favorite hobby is sucking horse

cock.

[ Gurgles ]

"Mmm!

That's some tasty cums!"

Is this where I get to take a

pin and pop you?

What?

[ Chuckles ]

See, there you go.

Hey, oh.

[ Bell dinging ]

Break it up, break it up, break

it up, break it up.

That's the first battle.

Keep it going.

Ralphie May, Mike Lawrence.

[ Air horn blaring ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

Ooh, boy.

Wow.

[ Gunshots ]

Keep it going.

That was awesome.

Awesome.

Oh.

[ Cheers and applause continue ]

Oh.

[ Laughs ]

It smells great up here, by the

way.

Now.

Big papa roast, take it away.

That was one of the most

entertaining things I've seen in

a long time.

[ Cheers and applause ]

You guys...

Ralphie, you're naturally one of

the funniest people on the

planet, and when you add the

writing and the prep and the

discipline that you showed this

week, I'm really impressed, man.

You even loosened up so much

from last night.

You were [bleep] hilarious

tonight, so thank you very much.

Thank you, sir.

Uh-huh. Yeah.

Kimmel, what do you think?

Well, first of all, it was very

funny.

You guys were both very funny,

and I was laughing very hard

through the whole thing.

The problem, I think, for

Ralphie was he was talking about

how much Mike smells...

Yeah.

...and I haven't smelled Mike.

I don't know if this is just --

I mean, you know --

I assume I smell worse than he

does.

No, you don't.

That's just weed.

So it didn't really resonate

with me that Mike smells,

whereas we can see that you are

indeed very, very fat.

[ Laughter ]

I mean, no offense, but you are

very fat.

It's okay.

I don't mind y'all even giving

him an extra joke, okay?

It's no problem.

He's got fat jokes -- that's

fantastic.

So, I think Ralphie was at a

disadvantage in this particular

roast battle in that he didn't

have something to go off of,

whereas Mike did, and so I liked

Mike.

Mike.

[ Audience cheering ]

I agree.

There is the obvious physical

representations of the jokes,

which you have to confront.

[ Laughter ]

I generally am sympathetic

towards Mike, due to

our...amazing resemblance.

If I was unemployed for, like,

eight years, I would look like

you.

And I don't know if you're

getting divorced or not, but the

fact that you might be makes me

think that that was a ballsy

joke, and I like that.

And so I also, due to the fact

that you may be getting divorced

and he made fun of that, gonna

give it to Mike.

[ Laughs ]

[ Audience cheering ]

All right.

What do you think, Jeff?

And don't cop out because

Ralphie's your best pal.

You tell us who you think won

this roast battle, damn it.

Thank you, Jimmy.

Thank you, Jimmy.

You're welcome.

Here's the thing -- Ralphie's

right in that he got one less

joke.

It got a little sloppy in there

in that they were just going in

the moment, and I appreciate

that.

It was all part of the fun.

It probably went one joke too

long on both sides.

But I think, Ralphie, as much as

you really brought it tonight,

clearly Mike Lawrence -- that

Kool-Aid joke was one of the

best jokes I've heard at this

tournament so far.

You're a great joke writer, Mike

Lawrence.

Congratulations.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Wow.

The winner -- unsuccessful Seth

Rogen!

[ Cheers and applause ]