Ohio's Shady Abortion Compromise

December 14, 2016 - Michael K. Williams 12/14/2016 Views: 62,935

After Ohio lawmakers compromise on a restrictive abortion bill, Michelle Wolf weighs in on why the legislation isn't much of a bargain for women. (4:31)

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For more on Donald Trump'scampaign promises,

we turn to Michelle Wolf,everybody.

-Michelle Wolf.-(cheering, applause)

Michelle, I amso thrown by this thing.

Is Trump gonnakeep any of his promises?

Well, look, Trevor, I've alwaysknown that Trump promises

are like his neck skin--they're all over the place.

But the one thingwe can be sure of:

this is not gonna be a goodfour years for women.

REPORTER: Under what's called the "heartbeat bill,"

abortions in Ohio could be banned

after a fetal heartbeat is detected.

That can happen as soon as six weeks.

What the Ohio lawmakershave done is they've said,

"We are emboldened bythe election of Donald Trump

because he is anti-abortion."

In Ohio, Republican governorJohn Kasich has vetoed

what would have beenthe country's strictest

time-based abortion law,

the so-called heartbeat bill.

Six weeks?

Many women don't even knowthey're pregnant by six weeks.

We can't make a choice

before we knowthere's something to choose.

They're turning pregnancy into

some kind oftroll bridge riddle.

I'm too early to tell,but too late to stop.

What am I?

I don't know,an ice cream headache?

Yeah, but-yeah, but Michelle,Michelle, let's be fair, though.

I mean, John Kasichvetoed the bill.

That is a good thing, right?

Well, yes, Kasich vetoed it,

but this story is like a penis--

the closer you look at it,the worse it gets.

REPORTER: Ohio governor John Kasich

vetoing the so-called heartbeat abortion bill.

He did, however, sign a bill

restricting abortion after 20 weeks.

We all see what these (bleep)are doing, right?

They started with six weeks.

Then we said, "that's crazy."

So they countered with 20 weeks,

expecting us to be like,"Oh, my God, thank you.

How generous."

Stop trying to haggle.

It's my body, not a used car.

-(cheering, applause)-We all know...

A lot of used car fans.

We all know their main goal

is to whittle it down untilwe have no choice at all.

You know, before you know it,

they'll be saying, "life beginsat the moment of orgasm."

And if that was the case,

I'd have a baby every timeI went Jet Skiing.

Vroom, vroom.

Mama's taking another spinaround the bay.

Now-now I'm picturing you...Anyway, uh, Michelle,

there are legitimatequestions, though,

about when viability starts.

Oh, you're right, you're right.

But what I suggest isif any laws are gonna be made

about women's bodies,they should be made by women.

-(cheering, applause)-Because...

for centuries--

and I say that withoutexagger... exaggeration--

for centuries,laws about women's bodies

have been written by men.

Some men can't even tellbetween a Dr. Seuss character

and a female body part.

Is it a clitoris or a Lorax?

The clitoris is the onein the forest?

Well, yeah, sometimes.



It depends.

The point is, this is my body.

I choose what happens to it.

How would men feelif women wrote the laws

about how you guys jerk off?

How about, uh, men can jerk offbut they can't (bleep)?

And if they do, they haveto ask their mom, in writing.

They needa signed permission slip.

No, no, no, no, no. No, no.

No, don't applaud. No, no, no!

-(cheering and applause)-Huzzah! -No. No, no, no.

No. Uh, no. No!

No, that's not fair.Hey, that's-that's not fair.

What if... what if the guydoesn't have a mom?

Oh, don't worry.I've thought this through.

Uh, first off, sorry,you horny little orphan.

And, second, if you can't getyour mom's permission,

you have to drink your (bleep).


Oh, so swallowing is disgustingwhen you guys have to do it?

-No. No, Michelle, no.-(cheering and applause)

No, no. Michelle, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, that is really gross.

Oh, well, not as grossas what they're doing in Ohio.

So, ladies, we have... we haveto be done taking the high road.

From now on, when they go low,we go bitch.

Or else we're gonna keep livingin a country

where we care moreabout the rights of a coffee cup

than the rights of a woman.