Now, now, over the past few daysof Trump's presidency,
I've noticedsomething interesting--
one, we're not dreaming.
Uh, my arms are very unhappy
with how muchI've been pinching them.
And, two, broadcastersstill haven't figured out
which voice to use when readingPresident Trump's tweets on air.
I-I mean, for a moment there,
I think we all thought that,you know,
tweets would stoponce he became president,
uh, you know,'cause once you've made it,
you can delegatea few things out.
You don't need to keep tweetingwhen you're president.
Sort of like how 2 Chainzdoesn't buy
his own chains anymore.
Like, he probably just saysto someone, he's like,
"Yo, I ain't got time to careabout what they look like--
"just make surethere's not three of them.
But-but Trump's tweetsaren't stopping.
And each tweet has avery particular voice, you know?
Sometimes it's a petulant child,
other times it'sbraggadocious yacht captain.
And-and I feel like anchorsjust aren't doing them justice.
REPORTER: President Trump up this morning talking about
the inaugurationand how many people watched that
on-on television.The ratings are in.
He tweets, "Wow,television ratings just out:
31 million people watchedthe inauguration."
REPORTER 2: "Had a great meeting at CIA headquarters yesterday,
"packed house, paid great respect to the wall,
"long standing ovations,amazing people. Win."
REPORTER 3: "Meryl Streep, one of the most overrated actresses
"in Hollywood, doesn't know me but she attacked last night
at the Golden Globes."
"She is a Hillary flunky who lost big."
Now, that isnot what Trump's trash talk
is supposed to sound like,you know?
What, for the next four years,are we gonna have reporters
going, "Trump tweeted,'Your mama's so dumb
she tried to climb Mountain Dew.Sad.'"
It-it doesn't work.News anchors know the words
but not the music.
It's likeif NWA's "(bleep) the Police"
was covered by Celine Dion.
It's romanticbut it's not correct.
And even when anchors read themwith personality,
sometimes it feels likeit's the wrong personality.
REPORTER 2 (readingwith Australian accent):
Now you see. Now you see. Thatlast tweet is a perfect example.
That was a terrifying tweet
about North Korea'snuclear capabilities,
but the problem is,with this guy reading it
in an Australian accent, it'simpossible to sound threatening.
-(laughter)-It doesn't work in that accent.
He's like,"We're teetering on the verge
"of a nuclear holocaust, mate,
"that will surely leaveeven the survivors poisoned,
"shedding their hair,vomiting up blood
"and envying the dead.
It just doesn't havethe same feeling.
Doesn't have the same feeling.
And this is a real issuethat we have to grapple with,
which is whywe here at The Daily Show
held our own auditionsin the building
to try and find the perfectvoice to read Trump's tweets,
so, please enjoy.
-Ho, ho, ho, he, he, he.-Trump Tweet Reads Test.
-Ha, ha, ha, ho, ho.-Marker.
"Sorry losers and haters,
"but my I.Q. is one of thehighest and you all know it.
"Please don't feel so stupidand insecure.
It's not your fault."
"Anna Wintour came to my officeat Trump Tower
"to ask me to meetwith the editors
"of Condé Nast, & Steven Newhouse, a friend.
Will go this A.M."
"I am a very compassionateperson
"with a very high I.Q.
with strong common sense."
"Wow, the ratings are in,
"and Arnold Schwarzeneggergot swamped (or destroyed)
by comparisonto the ratings machine. DJT."
(funny horn toots)
"Barney Franklooked disgusting--
"nipples protruding-- in hisblue shirt before congress.
Very, very disrespectful."
♪ Toyota Motor said will builda plant in Baja, Mexico... ♪
(rapping): ♪ Intelligencestated very strongly ♪
♪ That there was absolutelyno evidence the voting... ♪
"They're extremelydangerous people,
and they shouldn't be allowedback on the battlefield."
Nailed it!Make America great again!
"Thank you to Ford for scrappinga new plant in Mexico,
"and creating 700 new jobsin the U.S.
"This is just the beginning.
Much more to follow."
"How is ABC Television allowed
"to have a show entitled Black-ish?
"Can you imagine the furor
if there was a show called White-ish?"
-MAN: Tell 'em, pastor.-"Racism at highest level!"
-MAN: Mm, mm, mm.-Can I get a question mark?
(quietly): "Rupert Murdochis a great guy
who likes me much better asa very successful candidate."
(high-pitched voice):"I have never seen
a thin person drinkingDiet Coke."
"I thought and I feltI would win big,
"easily over the fabled 270.(306).
"When they canceledthe fireworks,
they knew, and so did I."
MAN:Okay, now, try one happy.
That was happy!
"Happy New Year!
"Happy New Year to all,
"including to my many enemies
and those who have fought meand lost."
(German accent): "Intelligenceagencies should never have
"allowed this fakes newsto 'leak' into the public.
"One last shot at me.
Are we living in Nazi, Germany?"
(normal voice):Feels like it's too much. Is it?
I thinkany one of those would work.