>> Stephen: THANKS SO MUCH.
WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY,THANKS SO MUCH.
FOLKS, IF YOU WATCH THISSHOW YOU KNOW THAT I DON'T
LIKE TO TOOT MY OWN HORN, ASA CATHOLIC I WAS TAUGHT THAT
SELF-TOOTING IS A SIN.
BUT TONIGHT I'M COMPELLED TOTAKE A MOMENT TO RECOGNIZE
SOMEONE ELSE'S RECOGNITIONOF ME.
JIM?
>> A NEW STUDY SAYS THIS ONEPERSON ON THIS ONE TV SHOW
IS ACTUALLY DOING A BETTERJOB EDUCATING YOU THAN OTHER
NEWS ORGANIZATIONS, WHO ISTHAT?
ANSWER, "THE COLBERTREPORT."
RESEARCHERS FOUND THAT THECOLBERT NATION NOT ONLY THOUGHT
THEY KNEW MORE ABOUT SOMETHINGAS WONKY AS CAMPAIGN-FINANCE
REFORM THAN OTHERS, THEYWERE ACTUALLY RIGHT.
>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT.
I DID A BETTER JOB INFORMINGTHE PUBLIC ABOUT
CAMPAIGN-FINANCE REFORM THANEVERY OTHER NEWS
ORGANIZATION AND CNN.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)LONG TIME VIEWERS WILL
FONDLY RECALL THE SUPER PACI SET UP IN 2011, COLBERT
SUPER PAC, YOU KNOW OURMOTTO, MAKING A BETTER
TOMORROW-- TOMORROW.
>> .
>> Stephen: CLOSE.
AND OVER THE COURSE OF TWOYEARS WE REACHED OUR GOAL OF
ME COLLECTING OVER A MILLIONDOLLARS THAT I WAS FREE TO
SPEND IN TOTAL SECRECY.
I'VE GOT A LITTLE SOMETHING INMY THROAT, I'M SORRY.
(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE)
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)NOW THE STUDY SAYS THE KEY
TO MY INFORMING YOU WASSETTING UP MY OWN SUPER PAC
BECAUSE YOU GET TO SEE THEPROCESS AS OPPOSED TO A NEWS
SOURCE WHERE THEY JUST WOULDTELL YOU THIS IS THE WAY IT IS
SO LET THAT BE A LESSON TOYOU FOX NEWS.
SHOW, DON'T TELL.
IF YOU WANT YOUR VIEWERS TOHAVE A BETTER UNDERSTANDING
OF YOUR EDITORIAL POSITIONSTHEY NEED TO SEE YOU SUCKING
TED CRUZ'S BALLS.
(LAUGHTER)NATION,-- VERY SALTY, SALTY.
A LITTLE-- I'M GUESSING ALITTLE MYSTIQUE.
NATION, THIS IS AN HISTORICMOMENT FOR THE REPORT.
I HAVE BEEN RANKED THE MOSTINFORMATIVE OF ALL AMERICAN
NEWS ORGANIZATIONS.
AND I'M INCREDIBLY SORRY.
(LAUGHTER)>> BECAUSE WHEN WE BEGAN
THIS SHOW I PROMISED TO FEELTHE NEWS AT YOU FROM MY GUT.
THAT IS WHY I YANKEVERYTHING I SAY DIRECTLY
OUT OF MY ASS BECAUSE IT'STHE SHORTEST DISTANCE
BETWEEN MY GUT AND YOU.
I NEVER INTENDED TO BE ANEDUCATOR.
WHAT'S NEXT, GETTING PAIDLIKE ONE?
OH.
OH.
DOMESTIC AUTOMOBILES.
I LET YOU DOWN, NATION.
CLEARLY I MUST WORK HARDERAT INFORMING YOU LESS.
AND TO DO THAT I HUMBLYBOW MYSELF BEFORE THE
MASTERS.
>> COMING UP NEXT ON NEW DAY,ARE YOU READY?
FOR A PRINCE SELFIE?
>> WHAT VIDEOS DID YOU FORWARDTO YOUR FRIENDS THIS YEAR?
>> THE BABY SQUIRREL IN ACAST. NEED WE SAY ANY MORE?
>> WE'RE GOING TO INTRODUCEYOU TO THE WORLD'S FIRST
BURRITO VENDING MACHINE.
>> COMING UP NEXT RIGHT HEREWHAT YOUR DOG COULD BE DOING
WHEN YOU'RE NOT HOME.
(LAUGHTER)>> Stephen: WOW.
THE BAR OF LOWNESS HAS BEENSET VERY HIGH.
BUT I THINK I GOT IT.
WHEN WE RETURN I WILL SPENDSIX MINUTES READING
QUESTIONS OFF A CARD TO 22JUMP STREET STAR JONAH HILL.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.