Pardon the Integration - Are Voter Identification Laws Racist?

May 3, 2016 - Quinta Brunson 05/03/2016 Views: 624

Pundits Mike Yard and Rory Albanese face off in a mindless debate about whether voter ID laws are inherently discriminatory. (5:50)

Hey, welcome back!

North Carolina has uphelda controversial voter ID law,

with supporters sayingit'll reduce voter fraud,

while critics argueit unfairly burdens minorities.

Now, this has been an issuefor a long time

so we need to debate this.

And since we're on cable,the only way is

to have people takepolar-opposite positions

and argue over each other.

So without further ado,

here's another installmentof "Pardon the Integration."

-Grandmother? Where are youfrom? -A black guy he is.

The white guy.Yeah, always in your face.

-My people had nothing to dowith that! -Always.

(bell dings)

Okay, please welcome Nightly Show contributors

Mike Yard and Rory Albanese.

-(cheers and applause)-Hey, guys.

All right, okay,tonight's topic--

voter ID laws--are they racist?

Okay, Mike will takethe anti-voter ID side,

and Rory will be for destroyingblack people's civil rights.

-Ready? -I'm so ready.-No, that sounds horrible.

-I don't want to do that. What?-And begin!

Voter ID laws are ridiculous!

Okay, the Constitution doesn'tsay you need an ID to vote.

You know what's ridiculous,Mike?

Trying to tape a TV show

in front of a bunch of Germans,okay?

That's what's ridiculous,all right?

And I'll tell youwhat else is ridiculous,

is people not having IDs, okay?

It's a basic thing you shouldhave if you're an American.

Like a bank card, an AR-15,or a fat kid, okay?

All right, fine, we get it.We get it.

But what about poor peoplein urban communities?

The only vote they're allowedto cast without ID is

for the NBA all-star team.

This is when you laugh.Just 'cause they...

-(laughter) -Just 'cause can'tafford to get an ID card!

Really, Mike? It's $20!

Maybe don't spend iton grills and nail art!

-Hey, hey, hey! -How about that?-(audience groaning)

Don't you disrespect nail art,my friend.

-Just did. -It is like 80%of our economy, okay?

-If poor...-(laughter)

Yes, if poor urbanitesexpressing themselves

with flavor don't deserve a sayin our democracy, Rory,

then you obviously think

the white Republicans behindvoter ID laws deserve

to game the system.

No, Mike, it's not aboutgaming the system, okay?

If you're an active memberof our society,

you need to have an IDfor almost anything!

Why does it have to be racist?

What about the childrenof sharecroppers, huh?

-They were active.-(laughter and groaning)

Yes, they were.

But they have no legal documents

because their parentswere undocumented.

Mike, it's 2016!

How many documentlesssharecropper babies

-are still being born?-(laughter)

Where you live, on the UpperEast Side? Probably none!

I live on the Upper West Side!

-(bell dings) -Okay, gentlemen.Man, that was hot.

-Okay.-It sure was.

That noise meansit's time to switch sides

and arguethe opposite perspective.

(laughter and groaning,applause and cheering)

-Because remember...-(applause)

That's right.

Remember, we're on cable TV,and this is a mindless argument.

-Nope, I'm not doing it.-Why not?

Every single timewe do this segment,

you guys twist me around

and make me looklike I hate black people!

Mike. Mike. Mike.

Mike, when the three of us wentto counseling together...

-(laughter)-...what did Dr. Tanner say?

-To trust Larry and Rory.-Mm-hmm.

They're sorry,and they won't hurt me again?

That's right,and that's real, my brother.

That (bleep) is real.

I... I love you, Mike Yard.

Um, let's just do a great secondhalf of this segment, okay?

-Yeah.-(laughter)

-All right, fine.-All right. Great.

Okay, now, Rory will now beagainst voter ID laws,

and Mike will try to undo 300years of progress for blacks.

-Ready?-Sounds good. Let's do it.

-Okay.-But... but Dr. Tanner said...

-And begin!-(bleep) my life.

-Mm. -Ugh.-(laughter)

All right, I guess

voter ID laws are an importantsafeguard against fraud

because one foundation ofa solid democracy is believing

that the process is fair.

Wow! Look, anti-black-rightsadvocate Mike Yard

has really reacheda new low here, okay?

-Ooh!-(laughter)

While you're at it, Mike,

why not just repealthe 15th amendment, huh?

-Oh, my God!-(audience groaning)

Oh, my God! Look, what I'm beingforced to argue here

is for a more legit process

so people will stop accusingblack people of election fraud!

What self-hatingAfrican-American Mike Yard

forgets is voter ID lawslaws don't just affect blacks--

-about whom he doesn't care.-Huh?!

Look, they also hurtthe elderly, the infirm,

students and poor peopleof every race.

Oh, really? So then whydo tons of studies show

that in stateswith strict voter ID laws,

minority voter turnout hassteadily increased since '96?

And is often higher

than the participationamong white voters? Hmm?

(audience groaning)

I-I didn't know that. Um...

-(laughter)-That's what I thought.

I actually kind of wish I hadthat when I was on that side.

-I didn't know.-Mm-hmm.

-Wow. Wow, Mike. Man!-That was good.

You... you may have just won.

That, uh, that statisticis, uh...

-What?!-(cheering, whooping, applause)

-I have to say...-That's really hard.

-that is really, really, reallyhard to argue against. -What?!

(bleep)! That's right, baby!

That's right!Try to throw me under the bus.

(bleep)

-Yeah. -'Causeif citizens don't believe

that their leaderis elected fairly,

they start saying stuff like,"He's not my president!"

O-Okay, okay, so Obama'snot your president, Mike, huh?

-How did you get that?!-Whoa, whoa, yeah, Mike,

what the (bleep), man?

-I didn't...-I was just with President Obama

this week,and he didn't (bleep) on you.

-Wha... Oh, my God!-Man!

I don't know, audience.I mean, I guess Mike and I

are just different, okay?

I mean, you know, I wanteveryone to be able to vote,

-regardless of race, (bleep)-That's some bull (bleep).

gender, religion or sex...I mean, who's with me?

-Huh? Come on! -(bell clangs)-(cheering, applause)

Okay, there we go,that's the end of the round.

And the winner is...

-Rory!-Yeah! Whoo!

-(applause) -Yeah!-Whoo!

Because Mike hatesthe first black president.

-Wow!-Sorry, Mike.

Hey-hey, Larry,now that you're, uh, -Yes?

like, best friendswith the president, maybe, like,

me, you and Obama can go outand do some black stuff?

-Nah, I don't think so.-All right, cool. Thank you.

-All right, this has been-Can I just go home?

another pointless episodeof "Pardon the Integration."

Mike Yard and Rory Albanese,everybody!

-Can I go home?-We'll be right back.

-Can I please go home?-(cheering)