Comedians Do Porn with Kristen Schaal

I Miss David Bowie Season 1, Ep 12 06/14/2016 Views: 38,510

Nikki and Kristen Schaal feed lines to Dani Daniels and Lexington Steele during a socially conscious workplace porn scene. (3:52)

So, Kristen.

Kristen: Yes. Hi.

Do you watch porn?

Yes, I do.

Do you?

Yes, I do, Mom and Dad.

Yes, I do.

Today I thought we would talk about women in the workplace.

I think that's a great idea.

I'm going to be doing Dani Daniels.

You'll be voicing the man -- Lexington Steele.

Do you feel connected to him?

Oh, 100%.

Nikki: Yeah.

I feel, like, this is, like --I like him.

Yeah.

Let's get started.

Okay, yeah.

Hey.

Hey.

Kristen: Hello.

What can I do for you, Dakota?

Hello. What can I do for you, Dakota?

I just found out Jim is making twice as much as me.

I just found out that Jim is making twice as much as me.

I work twice as hard as Jim.

I work twice as hard as Jim.

Kristen:I'll give you something twice as

hard as Jim.

I'll give you something twice ashard as Jim.

You're talking about your --Your dick?

How do you know how hard Jim's dick is?

Kristen:It was a Christmas party.

It was a Christmas party.

Don't make this weird.

Don't make this weird.

I take this thing really seriously.

One in...

...three women have been sexually harassed.

Nikki: I know.

And did you know one in three holes is really wet right now?

Are you hitting on me?

I think...

...that's against company policy.

"Actually, I checked the bylaws,and as long as we are not in

direct, indirect, or a perceivedreporting relationship where one

individual can influence the other's terms or conditions of

employment, we're good."

[ Laughter ]Actually, I checked the bylaws,

and we're good.

[ Laughter ][ Snickers ]

Kristen: Those were in alphabetical order.

Those were in alphabetical order.

Now lick my balls.

Now lick my balls.

Nikki:But I'm just a temp.

But I'm just a temp.

Kristen: So?

So?

So I'll pretend to lick your balls...

...but I'm actually checking Facebook.

Wow. Kendall got fat.

[ Muffled ]Wow. Kendall got fat.

Lex is a special man.

This is a real privilege to get to see my words.

I miss David Bowie.

Nikki: Did you know Brittany Murphy died?

Did you know Brittany Murphy died?

Yes.

[ Laughter ]God, you're making me wetter...

...wetter than the visitors bathroom key.

Now do your impression of Patty in Accounts Receivable.

Do your impression [Moans]of Patty in...

Accounts...Receivable.

Keep those doughnuts...

...away from my desk.

They're like poison.

I can't stay away.

They're like poison.

I can't...

Stay away.

...stay away.

I don't know why I asked for that I hate Patty so much.

I don't know why I asked for that.

I-I-I hate Patty so much.

I just lost my boner.

I just lost my boner.

Sorry. I need a minute.

[ Laughs ]Beat my slutty ass with that

Pugs of North America calendar.

Kristen: You bet I will, after Ishove this Dilbert mug inside

you."

You bet I will, after I shove this...

Dilbert.

Bilbert mug --Dilbert, Dilbert.

Is that the right dog?

No, "Dilbert" -- It's like a cartoon about office people.

It's not really in circulation anymore.

All right.

You're doing great, by the way, Dani.

[ Chuckling ] Thanks.

All right, I think they're gonnafinish this up here.

Kristen:Okay, Lex, are you ready to take

it to the big finale?

Yeah.

Let it out, Lex.

Let it out!

[ Moaning loudly ]Make a face like you just

remembered something.

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

Wait a second.

I'm off the pill.

I'm off the pill.

Kristen: My company does not offer maternity leave.

Well, we don't offer maternity leave.

That's bullshit.

Looks like somebody's got a caseof the Mondays.

Looks like someone's got a case of the Mondays.

[ Laughter ]You're so good.