Now, Trump's win last weekhas forced us
to say good-bye to somethingmany of us loved--
the notionthat telling the truth matters.
Because for several years now,
PolitiFacthas been fact-checking
Donald Trump's politicalstatements, and they found
that while lessthan five percent of them
qualified as true,
70% were mostlyor completely false.
So, we're sad to see facts go.
Yet another casualty of 2016.
And we wanted,at the very least,
to give them a proper sendoff.
(organ plays solemn music)
We're gathered here todayto mourn the passing
of our dear friend... facts.
Now, we all know
facts hadn't been doingtoo well. That's no secret.
We didn't know how bad it wasuntil November 8, 2016.
Then they were gone.
Would any of you liketo come up here
and say a few words about facts?
(clears his throat)
You know, I always loved facts.
I loved 'em, and as a kid,
I would spend all dayon the toilet reading fun ones
out of Uncle John's Great Big Bathroom Reader.
I wasn't very popular.
LYDIC: When I was in grade school,
Tanya Bustamante usedto call me "Four-Eyes."
And I would say,"Actually, Tanya,
it's a very severe astigmatism
that affects ten percentof kids our age."
Facts always had my back.
KLEPPER: I just wish I appreciated facts
while they were still here.
All those timesI went to the library,
I didn't read any books.
I was just jacking offin the computer room, allegedly.
I'm surethey have it on video, but...
...it doesn't matter anymore.
Nothing... matters anymore.
CHIENG: I should have respected
I remember this one time, uh,
on my Tinder profile,I said I was six, one.
I'm five, eleven!
(Chieng cries, sniffles)
That's not true.I just lied right there.
(crying): I'm so sorry, facts!I'm so sorry.
WOOD: All right, at this time, I'd like for
everyone to share with ussome of their favorite facts
they lost this year.
Thousands of American Muslimsdid n cheer for 9/11.
Immigrants aren't more criminal
than citizensthat are born here.
Murder rates are lower nowthan they were in the '90s.
Most factory jobs have been lostto robots, so (bleep).
LYDIC: There's nolarge-scale voter fraud
-happening in America.-(all talking at once)
KLEPPER:Having a gun in your home
-does not make you more safe.-(overlapping chatter)
Dolphins can't smell!
Sorry. It's my favorite fact.
(church bells tolling)