Apple Gets Woke with the iPhone 7

September 7, 2016 - Ava DuVernay 09/07/2016 Views: 88,841

Apple unveils the iPhone 7, and Hasan Minhaj (a la Steve Jobs) details the smartphone's wokest new features. (5:05)

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as most of you know,

today, Apple launchedthe iPhone 7.

But as we say helloto this new iPhone

and its two new colorsthat they've launched,

we also say good-byeto a dear friend.

Some people have asked

why we would removethe analog headphone jack

from the iPhone.

And it really comes downto one word: courage.



When I think of courage,

I think Martin Luther King,

first responders,

and what a bunch of cowardsthey were

compared to the dude

who removed an iPhone hole.


That's really what I think.

It seems weird to lose theheadphone jack, you know.

But given how many iPhonesApple has out these days,

I wouldn't be shocked if nextweek they'll announce

an iPhone that's justheadphone jacks.

That's all it's gonna beto make up for that whole thing.

And people are losingtheir minds.

I don't know if you'veseen this.

People are getting angry.

They're like, "Oh, Apple,what am I supposed to do

"without a headphone jack?!

"This is a bastardizationof what a phone should be.

"Phones should have headphones.

We grew up with headphone jacks;we wa..."

No one wants...You know what's funny is,

this is literally the same waypeople react

to the transgender conversation.

It is the same argumentthat people have.

"It's not natural.

"What... it used to have a thingand now it doesn't have a thing?


"How am I supposed to... ?

"I grew up and it had...


What are my kids goingto think?"

Your kids think it's normal.

"Well, I don't! I don't!

I want it back to the old ways."

Now, as always, Apple brought upa team of experts,

uh, Phil Schiller,talking about the design.

Shigeru Miyamoto, uh,who was announcing

a Super Mario iPhone game.

But what you didn't seewas the presentation

from Apple's Woke division,

and luckily, we got our handson that presentation,

so let's watchthat unaired portion

of the keynote right now.

-(applause)-Thank you.

Thank you.

Wow.Thank you so much.

Thank you. Wow.

Thank you so much.

Thank you,thank you.

You guys have heardabout the new features,

the dual-lens camera,

the new colors,water resistance.

So let's recap on whatthese features really mean.

Two words:toilet proof.


Say your phone fallsinto the toilet... oops.

Now you just pick it up,

and put it right backon your mouth.


Drop a deuce, not your call.


We've got two new colors,black and jet black.

And I know people are asking,

"Hey, don't all blackslook alike?"

Well, I thought so, too.

But then we realizedthere are two

very different types of blacks,

sort of like Lil Wayneand Wayne Brady.

Both of them are Waynes,

but only one of them you can

truly bring hometo your parents.

Sorry, Weezy.

Now let's talk about the feature

that truly inspires Wokeness,

because these are black phonesmade for the black experience.

First, 256 terabytes of memory.

Terabytes with a "T."

So you can have HD recordingsof everything--

basketball games, concerts,

and every single encounteryou have with the police.

Hands up,unlimited shooting.

Wow, look at that.

Incredible, incredible.


Now... now what if,what if you're not black?

You know, so many of ourhandsome brown users are asking,

"Hey, how can I text in Arabic

and not get kicked off a plane?"

That's a great question.

iMessage now sensesthat you're on a plane,

and then replacesyour Arabic text

with key English phrases like,"I love America!

"We should totally buildthat wall!

Screw that Kaepernick guy."

That's right.

Muslims on planes, traveling.

Game changer.

Now what about our female users?

Ladies, we heard you.

We heard you.

You're up late.

Some creepy dude slidesinto the DMs,

and is like, "Hey, babe.

"Let me put my eggplantinto your ripe peach bottom."


Now the iPhone 7 can detectany penis reference

and autocorrect it to somethingmore accurate like this.

-(laughter)-Yeah. Yeah.

Sorry, Chad.

The phone knowsyou have a tiny eggplant

and live at home with your mom.

Now, in case youthought I forgot,

we have one more thing.

-(man whoops)-Yeah.

-(laughter)-We do.

After all these years, theiPhone finally has (bleep)ing.

That's right.

Now, for the first time,

when you actually type the word"(bleep)ing,"

it won't autocorrectto "ducking."

-(cheers and applause)-Yeah.

Yes, yes, yes.

Because unless you're a ninja,

who the (bleep)is typing "ducking"?

The iPhone 7:

this changes(bleep)ing everything.

(cheers and applause)

Hasan Mi-Jobs, everybody.