PLEASE BE SEATED.
HELLO, AMERICA.
AS YOU ALL KNOW, THERE'S ANASTEROID THE SIZE OF MAINE
SPEEDING TOWARDS EARTHAS WE SPEAK.
I'D LIKE TO TAKE A MOMENTOUT OF THE DAY TO, UH,
ADDRESS THE ALLEGATIONSTHAT THIS IS SOMEHOW
MY FAULT.
FIRSTLY I'D LIKE TO SAY
THAT THESE ALLEGATIONS AREABSOLUTELY AND 100% FALSE.
SECONDLY,AND MOST IMPORTANTLY,
I'D LIKE TO SAY THAT YOUMOTHERFUCKERS DISGUST ME !
YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHTI SAID IT.
IF YOU KNEW JUSTONE OF THE THINGS
I WAS SWORNTO SECRECY TO,
YOU WOULD BUCKLE UNDERTHE GODDAMN PRESSURE.
MR. PRESIDENT !MR. PRESIDENT !
LIKE WHAT ?
HOW ABOUT THIS.
I HAVE HERE IN MY HANDTHE CURE FOR AIDS.
WE'VE HAD THISFOR 25 YEARS.
HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND.
DID I SHOCK YOU ?ARE YOU CRAZY YET ?
WELL, I HAVE SOMEBODYI'D LIKE YOU TO MEET.
COME ON UP HERE, PAULA.
AMERICA, I'D LIKE YOU TOMEET MY GOOD FRIEND PAULA.
AND HERE'S PAULA AGAIN.
AND HERE'S PAULAONE MORE TIME.
WE CLONED THESE THREE BITCHESIN A LABORATORY IN SEATTLE
SOME 19-ODD YEARS AGO.
NOT ONLY THAT, WE ADDEDA PINCH OF BLACK GENES
SO THAT THEY COULDDO THINGS LIKE THIS.
HIT IT, GIRLS.
♪ RUNNING THROUGHTHE RAINDROPS ♪
♪ WISHING THATYOU WON'T STOP-- ♪
THAT'LL BE ENOUGH,THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
ALL RIGHT, BABY.
OH, HOLD ON, PAULA.
IT'S THE CUREFOR AIDS.
SORRY ABOUTLAST NIGHT.
FREAKED OUT YET ?HAVE I BLOWN YOUR MIND ?
OR YOU THINK YOU CANSTILL HANDLE MY JOB ?
BECAUSE IF YOU'RE COCKY AND YOUTHINK YOU GOT HOLD OF THIS,
I GOT SOME MOREINFORMATION FOR YOU.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO KNOWWHO KILLED KENNEDY ?
YEAH.WHO KILLED KENNEDY ?
YOU READY FORTHE TRUTH, AMERICA ?
HERE IT COMES.
OSWALD KILLED KENNEDY.
THAT'S RIGHT, LEE HARVEY OSWALDKILLED JOHN F. KENNEDY,
ALONE ANDBY HIMSELF.
WITH A MAGIC BULLET.
THAT'S RIGHT, THE BULLETWAS ACTUALLY MAGICAL,
MAGIC DOES EXIST.
WE'VE KNOWN ABOUT THISFOR SOME 2,000 YEARS.
I'M NOT FINISHED YET,
I HAVE SOME MORE INFORMATIONTHAT MIGHT STARTLE YOU.
THE R. KELLY SEX TAPE.
THAT WASN'T R. KELLY,IT WAS ME.
THAT'S RIGHT,
I URINATE ON PEOPLEWHEN I HAVE SEX WITH THEM.
I'M A DISGUSTING HUMAN BEINGAND I APOLOGIZE
TO THE PEOPLE WHOI'VE HURT AND PEED ON.
BET I BLEW YOUR MINDRIGHT THERE, DIDN'T I ?
I'M REALLY ON A ROLLAND I DON'T CARE
BECAUSE THE WORLD'SGOING TO END ANY DAY NOW.
SO I MIGHT AS WELLINTRODUCE YOU
TO A GOOD FRIENDOF MINE, BIBBLE.
BIBBLE, COME ON UP.
( man )OH MY GOD !
IS THAT AN ALIEN ?!
AMERICA, THIS IS BIBBLE.
BIBBLE IS A SPACE CREATURETHAT LIVES VERY FAR AWAY
IN A GALAXYCALLED NEBULON FIVE.
AND HE IS SOLELY RESPONSIBLEFOR THE WAVE OF TECHNOLOGY
WE'VE SEENOVER THE LAST FEW DECADES:
CELL PHONES, PAGERS,PLAYSTATION 1 AND 2.
YOU MIGHT THINK IT WAS THEJAPANESE WHO ARE RESPONSIBLE,
BUT ANYONE IN THE KNOW
KNOWS THAT IT WAS BIBBLE,FO' SHIZZLE
AND ALL 'BOUT BIBBLE.
'CAUSE ONLY BIBBLECAN KEEP IT SO REAL.
HEY, UH, BIBBLE, ISTHE SPACESHIP READY ?
( electronic voice )Aye, aye.
I'M READY TOGET OUT OF HERE.
OKAY, ME AND BIBBLEARE ABOUT TO LEAVE,
BUT BEFORE WE GOI JUST WANT TO SAY,
THERE'S NO HOPE FORTHE PLANET EARTH.
THERE'S NO WAY TOSTOP THE ASTEROID
AND YOU'RE ALLGONNA DIE.
EVERYONE EXCEPT FOR ME.
AND OF COURSE, BIBBLE,WHO'S BEEN SO KIND
TO LET ME ACCOMPANY HIMON HIS SPACESHIP.
AND I'M BRINGING THOSE THREECLONED WHITE WOMEN WITH ME.
GOOD-BYE, AMERICA.
I HOPE YOU ALL DIEIN A FIERY DEATH
WHEN THE METEORHITS NEXT TUESDAY.
COME ON, BIBBLE,LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.
( man )OH MY GOD !
Aye, aye.
( applause )