Rachel Feinstein - Things Only Whores Do

Amy Schumer Presents Rachel Feinstein: Only Whores Wear Purple Season 1, Ep 1 04/23/2016 Views: 1,675

Rachel Feinstein's grandmother believed that most women were prostitutes for very strange and specific reasons. (2:09)

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I had this nanny and she wouldgive me a lot of advice,

but there was somethingwrong with her.

I'd just be playingwith my dolls on the floor

and she'd be like,

(elderly accent)"Only whores wear purple."

I'm like,what just happened?

She had a lot ofspecific rules

about whores thatshe taught me.

They weren'tparticularly helpful.

(elderly accent)She'd just be like,"Only whores carry suitcases."

I'm like,"Really, that's it?

You just carry a suitcaseand you're a godless whore?"

(elderly accent)She goes, "Yes, I'lltell you what they have

"in those littleslut satchels.

"They have all kinds ofcreams and rinses

"to cover up their whoring,that's what they have there.

"Little perfumesand lotions.

"Little Tinker Bell powdersto cover up

"the rancid thingsthey've done.

"Knee pads and mouthwash,

"that's what they havein those slut sacks.

"Good night!

Sleep tight."

That's how she tucked me in,you guys,

lots of whore warnings andthen lights out for everyone.

She had the world separatedinto types of whores.

We'd be just walking downthe street on a lovely day

(elderly accent)and she'd be like,"You see that over there?

She's an easternseaboard whore."

I'm like, "What couldthat possibly mean?"

(elderly accent)She goes, "You see that whore?

She probably goes to workwith men."

I'm like, "You know,a lot of them do that now."

(elderly accent)She goes, "Not in my day.

Only whores worked."

Then she goes, "My father hearda rumor that we wanted to work,

so he sat us downand set us straight."

I like that she said he "heard arumor" that they wanted to work,

like it was some sort ofa foul thing

that was getting around town.

He probably, like, came backfrom his day at the plant

and lit up a fat cigar

and he was just, like,"I hear you skirts wanna work

"in buildings with men?

"I told you,you don't need to work.

"You can stay homeand make cupcakes and giggle.

You like giggling,don't you?"