Envisioning President Trump's First Term

October 31, 2016 - Jeff Ross 10/31/2016 Views: 130,789

Trevor and The Best F#@king News Team take a terrifying look into the year 2020 to find out what America could look like if Donald Trump is elected president. (12:08)

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TRUMP IMPERSONATOR: Hi, America, it's me,

President the Donald.

The last four years have been tremendous.

Some of the best years ever.

Our health, our trade, the borders.

I've done a great job. Everyone says so.

So, this election day,

vote for me-- or else.

In my fantastic second term...

(grunts) All right.Stay there, stay there.

It's on. Oh, it's on,it's on, it's on.

Yes!

Oh, yes, it's on.It's on.

Oh... Okay, okay, uh,

uh, where's the other one? Oh...

(grunting)

Hello? No, no.

There.

There we go.

Oh, yeah. Look at that.

My good side.

Oh, we're back.

Oh. Oh, yes, it works.

Hey, it's me, Trevor Noah.

I've come out of hiding tobroadcast one more episode

of The Daily Show. I know I'm taking a risk.

I'm risking my life and yoursby broadcasting the show.

But with the electionjust days away,

it's a riskworth taking, people.

You know, it's likegetting a chance with Beyoncé

when you don't have any condoms.

You got to do it.So what if she has something?

She probably does and p...You got to do it.

People, we cannot let DonaldTrump become president again.

In fact, I don't even understand

how we let that happenthe first time.

Things were looking good forHillary,

I mean, other than the-theClinton foundation stuff

and, you know, secret speechesand her husband's past.

But other than that,things were going well.

Then the e-mails, man.

The (bleep) e-mails.

The (bleep) e-mails just.Oh, man.

The e-mails a week-a weekbefore the election.

Why is this thing not going?There. There we are.

A week before the election,

we got sidetrackedby those e-mails.

And then it turned outthere was nothing new.

It was just 650,000of Anthony Weiner's dick pics.

Yeah, it's no wonderthat President Trump

changed the Washington Monument

into the Weiner Monument.

Huh? Look at that-- one dickgot another dick elected.

And it's only gotten worse.

And from what I can tell,the only news out there now...

is TNN.

Coming up after the break,

we'll be back with morecompletely true news.

ANNOUNCER:This is TNN.

What the (bleep) is this?

The Trumpaganda Forceused the new libel laws

to shut down legit news sources.It was so sad.

Seeing CNN pack up...

all their stuff.

Yeah, turns outthe Malaysian plane

was in their supply closetall along.

(giggles)Aah!

But at least most peoplein the media

got to stay in the country.

I will never forget the daythey took John Oliver away.

...which is all fine,until you realize

that egg safety standardsactually vary so widely

from state to statethat there is a...

No, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, guys,guys, guys, g...

Please, just give methe decency...

Let me-let me finish the bit.

Let-Let me completethe egg bit, guys.

Now? It has to be now?

No, the... no, the point isunless Congress takes action,

your brunch could not onlybecome

even more of a teemingsea of bacteria, but...

No, no, no! Not the graphic.Not the graphic!

I'm gonna miss you,grown-up Harry Potter face.

You know, they would havetaken me away as well.

The only reasonI escaped is because

I had the perfect disguise-- Isnuck into Steve Harvey's house,

stole his mustachefrom his face. The police

couldn't tell the differencebetween us.

And, again, I'm so sorry,Mrs. Harvey.

But I'll never be sorryfor those nights we shared.

Survey says...

true love.

(phone vibrates)

What?

Oh, man. Oh.

Roy?

Roy, is that you?

Hey, Africa,I got your black signal.

What's going on?

Oh, my God. Roy!It's so good to see you, man.

It's-It's been years.

Look, everyone, it's R...it's Roy Wood Jr.

What are you doing?

I'm-I'm making the show.

Making the show?

Yeah, I-I snuck backinto the studio.

Are you getting paid for this?

What?

Are you cutting me out?

-No, no, Roy.-Don't cut me out.

No, Roy, listen, where are you?

I'm in the inner city.

Yeah, which-whichinner city, Roy?

It doesn't matter.Black people live here, so,

according to Trump,it's the inner city.

Oh, man, that's...that's pretty messed up.

How bad is it for you out there?

Actually, it's not that bad.

There's no crime,nobody getting shot.

Hell, they got ridof the police, now.

-Wait, seriously?-Yeah, they got rid of 'em.

They made black people wearautomated stop-and-frisk arms.

Hell, you don't evenhave to stop anymore.

It's just arms pop out every90 seconds and pat you down.

-It's more convenientfor everybody. -(whirring)

Oh, there it goes.

Let it do its thing, man.

ROBOTIC VOICE:What do we have here?

Oh, come on.That's the 20th time today

you tried to bust mefor my antacids, man. Get out.

ROBOTIC VOICE:Stop resisting, bitch.

(sighs)It's not an efficient system.

-I got to go, man.-ROBOTIC VOICE: Shots fired.

-Shots fired.-I got to call my lawyer.

No, Roy, Roy, Roy!

Stay safe, Roy.

We can't live like this, people.

You understand that this may bethe last election

where we can change things.I mean,

all the people we thoughtwould run against Trump,

look at what's happened to them.

Just a weekuntil Election Day 2020

and still no onehas come forward

to run againstthe great President Trump.

Hillary Clinton, of course,is serving out her sentence

in Super Guantanamo,

along with former vice presidentMike Pence.

Meanwhile,Ted Cruz continues to teach

inner city kindergarteners,saying,

"Politics just got too dirtyfor me."

Joe Biden snuck aboardthe Elon Musk rocket ship

that took the Obamas to Mars.

Yeah.

President Obama escapedwith his family to Mars.

Right now, Michelleis teaching little fat aliens

to get in shape.

Bill Clintondidn't go with them,

'cause he decidedto go to Venus,

because that's where womencome from.

Because that's-that's a joke--Men are from M...

Man, I miss having an audience.

But, look, even if...even if the candidate you like

isn't in this election, itdoesn't mean you shouldn't vote.

Hell, vote for anyone.

You-you can even vote for...

you can even votefor the Woman of the Woods,

Elizabeth Warren.

Yeah, I know her policiesmight raise taxes,

but at least she has a plan.

We can't survive four more yearsof Trump, people.

This is the same guy whorepealed Obamacare on day one.

And then he saidhe would replace it

with something much better.Remember that? Yeah.

And then it turned out to be...turned out to be this.

Huh? An energy drink. This is...

this is what he replaced itwith, huh?

Something much better.Literally, that's what it was.

The guy is a complete moron.Change the thing.

He dropped a bomb on Iceland!He dropped a bomb on Iceland

because he insistedthat ISIS comes from Iceland.

Huh? In a few short years,

Trump has turned against Europe,alienated Asia.

He told Africato go back to Africa.

He sued South Americafor copyright infringement.

And he's banned from Antarcticaafter sexually assaulting

a penguin. I didn't even know

that you could graba penguin's pussy.

How do you graba penguin's pussy?!

Not only did Trumpget kicked out of the U.N.,

America is in such declineright now,

even white peoplearen't having a good time.

Here, look at this BBC report

that got smuggledinto the country.

NARRATOR: Four years into the Trump regime,

construction is still underway on the wall.

Although Trump promised a grand structure,

so far it stands at just four feet tall.

Still, workers on the scene remain optimistic.

Things are going great.

Uh, the wall's coming along.Mexico's paying for it.

Well, President Trump sent theman invoice. So, same thing.

And there's finally someonein the White House

who understands the concernsof white men like me.

Despite Trump's promise of a great America,

not everything has turned out as hoped,

as even his staunchest supporters are aware.

I guess if I hadto nitpick anything,

it would bethe total economic collapse.

I didn't realize that white men would be subject

to that sort of thing. And someone could've mentioned

that deporting the immigrantsmeant we'd have

to build the wall ourselves.(chuckles)

Now, with the 2020 presidential election quickly approaching,

the discontent has reached a fever pitch.

Oh, yeah, things definitely needto change.

That's why I'm voting for Trump.

He's not a politician.He tells it like it is.

He'll make America great again.

Again.

Poor Jordan, man.

I hope he's doing well.

-(stomach grumbling)-Ah, damn.

I'm so hungry all the time.(hisses)

Good thing I have someof this money.

Mmm.

You know,the dollar might be worthless,

but it tastes so good. Mmm.

Tastes like a strip club.(chuckles)

-I sometimes w...-Hey, Trevor!

Ronny? Ronny, is that you?

Hey, what's up, Trev?

Thank God. You got the signal.

-Where are you, man?-Oh, yeah,

I've-I've been in China.

As soon as Trump won, I goton a plane and got out of here.

I'm not dumb.

What, you stayed in Americathis whole time?

Yeah, I did.

(laughing)You idiot.

Oh, man,things are great in China.

We're all super rich thanks toTrump's dumb-ass trade policies.

You know, that trade deal?The-the...?

Yeah, the Much Better Than NAFTASo Much Winning Act of 2017.

-That one? -Yeah, yeah, yeah,that one, yeah.

That was great for China.

So what are you doingback in the U.S. then, Ronny?

Oh, yeah, I'm here

at Trump's White House Hoteland Casino representing China.

America went double bankrupt,

so I'm here againfor America's annual yard sale.

There's some great bargainsthis year.

Lincoln Memorial,uh, the Smithsonian, Tom Hanks.

I even checked outThe Liberty Bell.

But there's a huge crack on it.

I'm not buyingsome broken-ass bell.

NOAH: Well, I thinkthat's how it's supposed to be.

Here's the thingI don't understand.

Ronny, there's billionsof Chinese people.

Why did they send you?

Because I speak English witha perfect American accent.

I-I don't think you havea perfect accent. That's...

That's what I told them.

And by the way,you-you look like (bleep).

You should really go get a job.

All right, got to go.

Ronny, I just wantedto ask you one more...

People,we can't let Trump win again.

I know people weren't happywith the establishment--

don't get me wrong--but this? This?!

I mean, have you... have youheard the new National Anthem?

♪ And his hands are so big

♪ And his shoulders so wide

♪ And there's no problemdownstairs ♪

♪ Oh, that I can tell you...

That (bleep) goes onfor 20 minutes!

Look, we've seen what four years

of Donald Trump can doto a country, people,

all because some weredisillusioned and gave up hope.

But if you won't listen to me,

at least listento my good friend Steve Harvey.

(imitating Harvey): Because,no matter what you think,

your vote matters!

And we all knowwhat's at risk, people!

(thunderclaps)

Oh, these damnindoor hurricanes.

Look, people,

we really should have takenclimate change seriously.

We should have taken everythingseriously.

And here's... here's anotherthing I want to say.

With the election coming up,you...

What does that light mean?What's...?

Go to commercial?

This is a pirate broadcast.

-How do we still have ads?-(static)