The Colbert Report

Sign Off - Stephen Wins

Season 5 • 07/16/2009

If you had half as much fun watching the show as Stephen had doing it, then Stephen wins.

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Watching

05:58

The Colbert ReportS5
Douglas Rushkoff

Douglas Rushkoff discusses the downfalls of operating the world like a corporation and how to weaken corporate influence.
07/15/2009
03:48

The Colbert ReportS5
Tip/Wag - Assassination Squads, Biblical History & Gay Penguins

The CIA shuts down its assassination program, Texas wants Christianity taught in history, and two male penguins end their relationship.
07/15/2009
03:30

The Colbert ReportS5
Stephen Wants to Be the Worst Person in the World

Stephen tries to make it onto Keith Olbermann's "Worst Person in the World" list by slapping a baby with a puppy.
07/15/2009
00:23

The Colbert ReportS5
Intro - 7/15/09

There's bad news for people with target-shaped birthmarks, and Douglas Rushkoff lets Jews and Freemasons off the hook.
07/15/2009
00:13

The Colbert ReportS5
Sign Off - No Man Is a Failure

No man is a failure who has friends, unless his friends are failures.
07/15/2009
05:16

The Colbert ReportS5
The Word - Neutral Man's Burden

Sonia Sotomayor's personal background should be neutralized the way Band-Aids were when they reached out to minorities.
07/16/2009
00:34

The Colbert ReportS5
Intro - 7/16/09

Stephen is emotionally dead inside, and Ed Andrews should write about teen vampires if he wants to get out of debt.
07/16/2009
03:14

The Colbert ReportS5
The Memy Awards

Stephen announces the nominees for the Memy Awards' one and only category: Outstanding Individual.
07/16/2009
04:45

The Colbert ReportS5
Edmund Andrews

Edmund Andrews explains how he fell victim to the mortgage crisis as a New York Times economics reporter.
07/16/2009
05:28

The Colbert ReportS5
Cheating Death - Diabetes Dogs, Chocolate Milk & Swearing in Pain

Dogs help fight diabetes, chocolate milk replaces sports drinks, and swearing after an injury alleviates pain.
07/16/2009
00:14

The Colbert ReportS5
Sign Off - Stephen Wins

If you've had half as much fun watching the show as Stephen has had doing it, then he's had twice as much fun.
07/16/2009
02:27

The Colbert ReportS5
Walter Cronkite Remembered

Walter Cronkite's passing doesn't get the kind of cable news attention Stephen believes it deserves.
07/20/2009
00:04

The Colbert ReportS5
Sign Off - Goodnight

That's it for The Report.
07/20/2009
05:20

The Colbert ReportS5
Sport Report - Jessica Simpson, Olympic Brothel & Bud Light

Tony Romo breaks up with Jessica Simpson, an Olympic hopeful opens a brothel, and Stephen loves the taste of Bud Light.
07/20/2009
03:57

The Colbert ReportS5
Reverse Racism - Geoffrey Canada

Geoffrey Canada can't find any area where white men are being disproportionately victimized.
07/20/2009
05:14

The Colbert ReportS5
Bob Park

Bob Park doesn't understand why humans need go to space when robots can do a better job.
07/20/2009
02:58

The Colbert ReportS5
Reverse Racism

As a recent black man, Stephen looks forward to hearing President Obama's NAACP speech.
07/20/2009
03:31

The Colbert ReportS5
The Word - A Perfect World

Investigating prisoner abuse will be a political food fight, and that is messier than torture.
07/21/2009
06:44

The Colbert ReportS5
Better Know a Lobby - Acorn

Acorn's chief community organizer, Bertha Lewis, needs to know the number of Stephen's sexual partners for her census form.
07/21/2009
00:16

The Colbert ReportS5
Sign Off - Stephen's Chip

The opinions expressed tonight are exclusively Stephen's -- the chip in his head only makes suggestions.
07/21/2009
06:16

The Colbert ReportS5
Aaron Carroll

Aaron Carroll believes the single-payer system will cost less, cover everyone and lead to better outcomes.
07/21/2009
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