The Colbert Report
Intro - 10/27/09
Season 5 • 10/27/2009
The Catholic Church reaches out to former members -- they're close to getting Sinead O'Connor back.
The Colbert ReportS5 Job Recommendation From Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert has a message about your latest job candidate.
The Colbert ReportS5 The Word - Don't Ask Don't Tell
The petition signers who want to overturn the "everything but marriage" bill should be able to stay in the closet that the gay people have abandoned.
The Colbert ReportS5 Stephen's Sound Advice - How to Get a Job
Once you get a job interview with Stephen's celebrity endorsement, you'll want to grow a mustache.
The Colbert ReportS5 George Will's Long Tie
Stephen has to restore balance to the universe after George Will starts wearing long ties.
The Colbert ReportS5 Sign Off - Don't Move
Don't move so Stephen can always remember you staring at him.
The Colbert ReportS5 Colbert Platinum - Harvard Billionaires & Red Diamond SUV
Harvard produces the most billionaires, and a Russian car company releases a diamond-encrusted SUV with whale penis leather interior.
The Colbert ReportS5 Sign Off - Goodnight?
Brian Cox will be on tomorrow, unless this is a rerun.
The Colbert ReportS5 Gail Collins
Gail Collins describes the last 50 years of progress made by American women and the new issues they face today.
The Colbert ReportS5 George W. Bush's Motivational Speech
Stephen would have loved to attend George W. Bush's "Get Motivated" seminar, but he couldn't afford the $4.95 admission fee.
The Colbert ReportS5 Holy Water Under the Bridge - Randall Balmer
Randall Balmer refuses to join the Catholic Church because he's suspicious of any religious group that defines itself in negative terms.
The Colbert ReportS5 Intro - 10/27/09
The Catholic Church reaches out to former members, and Gail Collins talks about the modern American woman.
The Colbert ReportS5 Intro - 10/28/09
Stephen finds out what broke the largest particle accelerator and preps for his interview with Brian Cox by watching "Baby Einstein" tapes.
The Colbert ReportS5 The Word - You-Genics
Your baby will never be denied health coverage for being too fat or too skinny if you mate with an insurance company CEO.
The Colbert ReportS5 Joe Lieberman Is a True Independent
Joe Lieberman proves he's independent of his Connecticut constituents by opposing a public option in health care reform.
The Colbert ReportS5 Sign Off - Future Stephen
Stephen will stick a fork into a toaster unless his future self comes back to stop him.
The Colbert ReportS5 Brian Cox
Physicist Brian Cox, one of People Magazine's Sexiest Men Alive, discusses relativity and scientific bollocks.
The Colbert ReportS5 Big Bang Theory
Physicists theorize that the Large Hadron Collider is being sabotaged from the future.
The Colbert ReportS5 USA Today Slams Dirigibles
The USA Today smears the dirigible industry based on the technicality that the ships explode.
The Colbert ReportS5 Sign Off - Thanks to Bill Simmons & Rosanne Cash
Put Rosanne Cash's new album on your list and drop some cash on it.
The Colbert ReportS5 Bill Simmons
Bill Simmons believes Wilt Chamberlain was gay and compares Kobe Bryant to Teen Wolf.
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