CC Presents: Dan Cummins

  • 01/11/2008

HAVE YOU GUYS HEARD OFTHIS LITTLE CIRCUS FREAK?

HALF COCKER SPANIEL,HALF POODLE, ALL BAD IDEA.

YEAH, THAT'S GREAT.LET'S TAKE THE MINIMALINTELLIGENCE OF A COCKER

AND BLEND IT WITHTHE EVIL OF A POODLE INTO ONEHYPOALLERGENIC ANTI-CHRIST.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

IDEALLY, I'D LIKE A PETTHAT HASN'T EVEN BEEN BRED YET.

I WANNA SQUIRRELADOR.

THAT'S RIGHT, HALF LABRADOR,

HALF SQUIRREL,ALL KICK-ASS BEAST!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

'CAUSE IN MY MIND,THAT THING COULD COOL LAB STUFF

LIKE SWIM AND CATCH FRISBEES,AND COOL SQUIRREL STUFF

LIKE WALK ON POWER LINESAND WATER SKI,

NOT BAD FOR A 90-POUND RODENT.

AND THAT'S NOT JUST A PET.THAT'S A CONVERSATION PIECE.

'CAUSE PEOPLEARE GONNA TALK TO YOUIF THEY SEE YOU

WALKIN' A SQUIRRELADOR.THEY'RE GONNA BE LIKE,

"OH, MY GOD.WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?"

"UM, THAT-- RUDE--IS A CHOCOLATE SQUIRRELADOR."

I'M LIKE "DOES IT BITE?"BE LIKE, "YEAH, SOMETIMES.

HE GETS A LITTLE SQUIRRELLYIF YOU TRY AND PLAY WITH

- WITH HIS NUTS, AH-HA-HA!"- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU DON'T HEARDOUBLE-PUNS EVERY SHOW.

THAT WAS AHIGH DEGREE OF DIFFICULTY.

I WAS WAY OUT IN THE WOODSAWHILE BACK.

ARIGHT, I WANNA SHARESOME PLANS WITH YOU GUYSI'VE BEEN WORKING ON.

I'VE BEEN THINKING OF WAYSTO MAKE OUR COUNTRY STRONGER.

LIKE, I THOUGHT OF A WAY TO ENDHOMELESSNESS AND HELP

INCREASE THE STRENGTH OF OURMILITARY PRESENCE OVERSEAS.

[LAUGHTER, OH'S & APPLAUSE]

I FEEL LIKE YOU KNOW THIS PLAN.

ONE MOVE: IT'S HIGH TIME WESTART DRAFTING HOMELESS PEOPLE

INTO SPECIAL MILITARYDISTRACTION BATTALIONS.

THINK ABOUT IT. WHEN THE ENEMYSEES THOUSANDS OF CRAZY DUDES

SCRAMBLIN' ACROSSTHE BATTLEFIELD WEARINGCAMEL ALUMINUM-FOIL HATS

AND MOON BOOTS,THEY'RE GONNA BE DISTRACTED.

AND THAT'S WHEN WECLUSTER-BOMB THE WHOLE AREA,

'CAUSE WHO CARES ABOUTCOLLATERAL DAMAGE?

THEY'RE NOT EVEN REAL PEOPLE.[MANIACAL LAUGHTER]

[LAUGHTER, OH'S ANDSCATTERED APPLAUSE]

- Audience Member: YEAH!- [LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

THAT-- THAT JOKE WAS CALLED"TAKING IT TOO FAR."

[LAUGHTER]

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