Comedy Central Presents
Season 15

CC Presents: Sheng Wang

  • Season 15, Ep 4
  • 01/11/2011

SINGLE, CURRENTLY,BUT I THINK IT'S OKAY,

CAUSE I THINK THERE'STIMES IN YOUR LIFE

WHERE YOU GOTTAFOCUS ON YOU...

YOUR STUDIES, YOURPURSUITS, WHAT HAVE YOU.

BUT THERE ISA TIME LIMIT.

[audience laughter]

YOU GET TO A POINT WHEREYOU START TO QUESTION.

YOU'RE LIKE, "WHERE'S--WHAT'S UP WITH MY SOUL-MATE?"

[audience laughter]

"WHAT'S UPWITH TRUE LOVE?

"IS THIS GONNAPAN OUT?"

AND THEN, YOU GETTO ANOTHER POINT

WHERE YOU-YOUSTART TO DOUBT.

YOU'RE LIKE,"WHAT'S THE POINT?

"WHAT'S THEPOINT OF TRYING?

"WHAT'S THE POINT OFGOING OUT WASTING MY MONEY?

"WHAT'S THE POINTOF PANTS AND HYGIENE?"

[audience laughter]

AND... ANDI REALIZE NOT ONLY

HAVE I GIVENUP ON THE DREAM.

I GAVE UP IN MY DREAMS.

IT'S DISTURBING.

BUT IMAGINE,RIGHT, I'M ASLEEP.

I'M HAVING--I'M HAVING A FANTASY,

ROOM FULL OF BEAUTIFULLADIES SOMEWHERE,

AND, UH, I'M THERE LOOKINGINCREDIBLY HANDSOME,

DOING ALLTHE RIGHT THINGS,

MAKING EYE-CONTACT,BEING ALL RUDE AND SEXY.

[audience laughter]

AND, RIGHT WHEN I'MABOUT TO MAKE MY MOVE,

RIGHT WHEN I'M ABOUTTO GO IN FOR THE KILL,

I'M LIKE,"MAN, [deleted] THIS!"

[audience laughter]

"I'M JUST GONNA FLYHOME ON MY DRAGON

"AND GO MASTURBATEIN MY CASTLE."

[audience laughter]

[cheers and applause]

I THINK THE TERM "MUNCHIES"--THE WORD "MUNCHIES"

TOO DAMN CUTETO DESCRIBE

THE ACTUAL HORRORTHAT HAPPENS.

[audience laughter]

THAT IS TOO CUTEOF A WORD.

IT SOUNDS LIKEBABY-TALK, YOU KNOW.

"OH, SOMEONE'S GOTTHE MUNCHIES... AW."

HIGHLY INAPPROPRIATE.

THAT'S LIKE SAYIN',THAT'S LIKE SAYIN'

"THIS DUDE--THIS DUDE'S NOT A KILLER.

"NAH, HE JUST HADA CASE OF THE "STABBIES."

[audience laughter]

"AW, SHANKY,SHANKY, SHANKY!"

I STARTED USING VISINE.

THAT IS A POWERFUL DRUG.

[audience laughter]

I THOUGHT IT WASAN EYE-MOISTURIZER,

BUT VISINE WILL CHANGETHE COLOR OF YOUR EYE-BALL,

LIKE INSTANTANEOUSLY.

I DID A TEST ONE TIME.

I PUT VISINE IN ONEEYE, JUST ONE EYE...

I LOOKEDIN THE MIRROR.

DID A SIDE BYSIDE COMPARISON.

[audience laughter]

CONTROL GROUP WASRED, PER USUAL.

TEST SUBJECT WAS WHITE,BUT LIKE WAY TOO WHITE.

LIKE, BETWEENTHE TWO OF THEM,

THIS ONE WASMORE SUSPICIOUS.

[audience laughter]

THIS ONE'S LIKE"MAYBE I HAVE ALLERGIES."

THIS ONE'S LIKE, "BITCH,I DIDN'T SMOKE NOTHIN'."

[audience laughter]

[cheers and applause]

I LIVE, UH--I LIVE IN CHINATOWN,

CAUSE THAT'S WHEREI GOT ASSIGNED.

[audience laughter]

[cheers and applause]

THERE'S A RESTAURANTIN MY NEIGHBORHOOD--

THERE'S A RESTAURANTCALLED THE "SHENG WANG."

SPELLED EXACTLYLIKE MY NAME.

ALL MY FRIENDS INSISTTHAT I HAVE TO GO EAT THERE.

SECRETLY, I AGREE,BUT I DON'T KNOW WHY.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT KIND OFFANTASY WE EXPECT TO PAN OUT.

LIKE, I WALK IN THERE--EVERYONE FREAKS OUT.

THEY'RE LIKE,"OH, MY GOD-- IT'S HIM!"

[audience laughter]

"WE'VE BEENWAITING FOR YOU.

"THE PROPHESYHAS BEGUN."

[audience laughter]

I LOOK AROUND-- THERE'S BABYPICTURES OF ME EVERYWHERE.

[audience laughter]

I WAS IN THEMIDWEST LAST YEAR

I WAS DRIVINGFROM TOWN TO TOWN

DOIN' THESE COLLEGEONE-NIGHTERS,

AND, UH, ONE AFTERNOON,I'M ON THE HIGHWAY.

I CAUGHT A VERY MIRACULOUS,LIKE A DISCOVERY CHANNEL MOMENT.

I SAW AN EAGLE CATCHA SNAKE FOR LUNCH.

I WAS SO EXCITED--I CALLED UP MY FRIEND.

I WAS LIKE "DUDE, I JUSTSAW THE MEXICAN FLAG

"LIVE IN WISCONSIN."

[audience laughter]

IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.

I'M GETTING OLDER.

I FEEL LIKEI'M GETTING OLDER

ONLY BECAUSEI GOT A LOT OF FRIENDS

THAT ARE STARTIN'TO GET MARRIED.

IT'S WEIRD, CAUSE A LOT OFMY FEMALE FRIENDS, I THINK

THEY'RE VERY PROGRESSIVE,LIBERAL-MINDED FOLKS,

BUT WHEN IT COMES TOTHE ENGAGEMENT RING,

THEY WANT A VERYTRADITIONAL, BIG-ASS ROCK.

[audience laughter]

I UNDERSTAND LADIESLOVE DIAMONDS,

BECAUSE DIAMONDSARE FOREVER.

TRUE... BUT SOIS A PLASTIC BAG.

[audience laughter]

[cheers and applause]

BECAUSE MY LOVEIS ETERNAL...

BECAUSE MY LOVE...WILL NEVER BREAK DOWN.

I WANNA GIVE YOU

THIS NON-BIODEGRADABLEGROCERY SACK...

[audience laughter]

DON'T BE SAD, GIRL.

IT'S GOT LIKE50 CARROTS IN THERE.

[cheers and applause]

I ALSO KNOWI'M GETTIN' OLDER

CAUSE, UH, I WAS WATCHINGTHIS MILF PORN...

[audience laughter]

AND... IT JUSTSEEMED LIKE REGULAR PORN.

[audience laughter].

MILFS-- MILFS USED TOLOOK LIKE MY FRIEND'S MOM.

NOW, THEY JUSTLOOK LIKE MY FRIENDS...

[audience laughter]

...WHICH ONLY ADDS TOTHE ON-GOING PEER PRESSURE

TO MAKE MEWANNA SETTLE DOWN.

YOU KNOW HOW WEIRD ITIS TO WATCH PORNOGRAPHY

AND THINK TO YOURSELF,

"GOSH, I GUESS IT IS TIMEFOR ME TO START A FAMILY."

[audience laughter]

"YEAH, I WANNA RAISE CHILDREN,TOO, JUST LIKE THIS MILF."

[audience laughter]

I REALIZED THAT I HAVEAN IRRATIONAL FEAR OF RATS.

I DIDN'T KNOW THEREWAS GONNA BE

SO MUCH WILDLIFEIN THIS CITY.

[audience laughter]

ONE NIGHT, I WAS WALKIN'HOME REALLY LATE.

I WALKED PAST THISHUGE PILE OF GARBAGE...

AND INSIDE ONEPARTICULAR TRASH BAG,

THERE WAS A WHOLE LOTOF MOVEMENT GOING ON...

INSIDE THE BAG,LIKE REAL AGGRESSIVE,

BUT UNIDENTIFIEDRUSTLING.

I WAS SO FRIGHTENED,MY ONLY THOUGHT WAS,

"OH, MY GOD...I HOPE THAT'S A BABY."

[audience laughter]

"PLEASE, PLEASE JUSTBE A TODDLER IN A BAG."

THAT'S HOW MUCHI HATE RATS.

[audience laughter]

THEY MAKE CHILDENDANGERMENT COMFORTING.

[audience laughter]

[applause]

I SAW A BASEBALL GAME ONCE--IT WAS ALL RIGHT.

THE MOST EXCITINGPART FOR ME WAS, UH,

I FOUND A RESTAURANTAT THIS BALLPARK.

THE RESTAURANT WASCALLED, "CRAZY CRAB'Z."

BUT THEYSPELLED "CRABS"

C-R-A-B APOSTROPHE... Z.

[audience laughter]

APOSTROPHE Z.

HOW DO YOUSIMULTANEOUSLY DISREGARD

AND COMPLYWITH GRAMMAR?

[audience laughter]

WE ALL KNOW, YOUSUBSTITUTE THE Z FOR THE S,

YOU MAKE THAT WORDMORE HIP, MORE EDGY...

BUT FOR CLARIFICATION,THAT EDGINESS IS NOT PLURAL.

[audience laughter]

IT'S POSSESSIVE.

[cheers and applause]

APPARENTLY, YOU DON'T COME HERETO EAT A WHOLE LOT OF CRABS.

YOU COMEHERE BECAUSE

THERE'S ONE CRAZY-ASSCRAB THAT OWNS THIS JOINT.

[audience laughter]

HE'S NUTS.

HE DON'T EVENSERVE SEA FOOD.

IT'S CRAZY CRAB'ZHOUSE OF PRIME RIBS.

[audience laughter]

[audience laughter]

I HAD TO TELLMY FRIENDS,

"YEAH, I DROPPED THE KIDSOFF AT THE SKATE PARK."

[audience laughter]

[applause]

YOU GUYS--YOU GUYS KNOW THAT

ON THE FRONTOF AN AMBULANCE,

THE WORD "AMBULANCE"IS WRITTEN BACKWARDS,

SO THAT WHEN YOUSEE THE REFLECTION

IN YOUR REAR-VIEW MIRROR,IT READS FORWARDS.

PRETTY GOOD IDEA, IN CASEYOU EVER HAPPEN TO BE

DOING AN EXCELLENT JOB OFBLOCKING A FREAKIN' AMBULANCE.

[audience laughter]

AND YOU NEEDMORE INFORMATION.

YOU GOTTA HAVE ITSPELLED OUT FOR YOU.

[audience laughter]

YOU'RE CONFUSED-- YOU'RELIKE, "WHAT'S GOING ON?

WHAT'S HAPPENING?

AND I SAY, "OH, MY GOD--IT IS SO LOUD!"

[audience laughter]

"IT IS BRIGHT AS HELL.

"MAN, I BETTER SLOWDOWN AND READ THE HOOD."

[audience laughter]

[audience laughter]

YO, THIS ICE-CREAMTRUCK IS OVER THE TOP!"

[audience laughter]

"ECNUALUBMA?"

I DON'T KNOW WHATFLAVOR THAT IS.

[applause]

TRYIN' TO BEHEALTHIER THESE DAYS,

EATIN' MORE FRUITS ANDVEGETABLES, AND, UH...

I ATE-- I ATEA POMEGRANATE.

YOU GUYS EVERHAVE A POMEGRANATE?

[cheers]

THAT IS A--THAT IS A MAGICAL FRUIT.

IT'S LIKE JUICE CORN.

[audience laughter]

IT'S LIKE GODGOT STONED ONE DAY

AND HE WAS LIKE"YOU KNOW WHAT?

"I'M GONNA PUT SOME FRUITJUICE INSIDE THESE KERNELS."

[audience laughter]

"LET'S DO THAT.

BUT I'M NOT GONNAPUT IT ON THE COB...

I'M GONNA SHOVE IT UPTHIS FAT, DIRTY RADISH."

[audience laughter]

I WAS HANGIN' ATMY BUDDY'S HOUSE, RIGHT,

AND MY FRIEND HANDS MEA HARD BOILED EGG AS A SNACK.

[audience laughter]

BUT BECAUSE IT WAS SITTINGIN THE FRIDGE OVER NIGHT

WITH ALL THESELEFT-OVERS,

THE EGG SMELLEDLIKE FRIED CHICKEN.

[audience laughter]

BUT HE DIDN'T TELL MEWHAT HAPPENED, RIGHT?

I GOT THE EGG,I WAS ALL CONFUSED.

I WAS LIKE, [sniff].

"YO... YO, THIS EGG...

THIS EGG ISAN OLD SOUL."

[audience laughter]

CLEARLY, WAYAHEAD OF ITS TIME.

IT'S NOT EVEN HATCHED.

IT SMELLS LIKE A FULLGROWN, TWO PIECE COMBO.

[audience laughter]

[applause]

MY FAVORITE BAR,MY FAVORITE BAR

RECENTLY UPGRADED THEIRPAPER TOWEL MACHINES...

USED TO BEA SIMPLE LEVER.

YOU PULL THELEVER, REAL EASY.

YOU KNOW, YOUGET A PAPER TOWEL

AND NOW THEY GOT A NEW,MOTION-CENSOR TECHNOLOGY.

YOU DON'T HAVETO TOUCH IT.

ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS...

[audience laughter]

WHAT'S UP?

YOU GOTTA SAY "HELLO" TO AROBOT THAT IGNORES YOU, RIGHT?

NOTHIN' HAPPENS.

AND I'M SURE THEY'REWORKIN' ON IMPROVEMENTS,

BUT, IN THE MEANTIME,

IF YOU WANNA DRYYOUR HANDS TODAY,

YOU GOTTA REALLYWANT IT, YOU KNOW?

YOU GOTTAFIGURE IT OUT.

[audience laughter]

YOU GOTTA PUT EFFORT--A LITTLE BACK INTO IT.

YOU GOTTAGIVE IT UP.

[audience laughter]

[cheers and applause]

BY THE TIME YOUGET A PAPER TOWEL,

THERE'S LIKE THREEDUDES DANCING BEHIND YOU,

AND THEN, YOURNIGHT IS DIFFERENT.

- SURPRISE!

SHENG WANG IS CHINESE!

[cheers]

WHAT'S UP, EVERYBODY?

THANK YOU, SO MUCH,FOR BEING HERE.

MY NAME ISSHENG WANG.

SOMETIMES, UH, WHENI TELL PEOPLE THAT,

THEY'RE LIKE, "WOW!"

"THAT IS PERFECT FORPERSUIN' STAND-UP COMEDY."

I'M LIKE,"YEAH, BUT FIRST,

"I WAS TRYIN' TOPURSUE CHILDHOOD."

[audience laughter]

YOU KNOW IT'S TOUGHWHEN KIDS CALL YOU NAMES.

IT'S ALWAYS WORSE WHENTHEY JUST USE YOUR NAME.

[audience laughter]

EVEN RECENTLY, I WASMAKING A RESERVATION

FOR THIS HOTELIN ARKANSAS.

I GAVE THE GUY INFORMATION--IT WAS ALL GOOD.

I TOLD HIM MY NAME--I SAID, "SHENG WANG."

HE SAID, "THAT'S FUNNY."

[audience laughter]

YOU DON'TSOUND LIKE THAT.

[audience laughter]

I WAS LIKE, "MY BAD.

"I'M SORRY IF I DON'T MEETYOUR RACIST EXPECTATIONS.

"I'M SORRY IFI DON'T SOUND

"LIKE A COMPLETESTEREOTYPE, ARKANSAS.

"YOU, ON THE OTHER HAND,ARE DOIN' A REALLY GOOD JOB."

[audience laughter]

[cheers and applause ]

I'M GETTIN'TO THIS AGE

WHERE I FIND MYSELFCOMFORTING FRIENDS

'CAUSE THEY'RESTARTING TO TRIP

ABOUT LOSING THEIRTURF UP ON TOP.

I'M A POSITIVE PERSON.

TO ME, GOING BALDIS NOT ABOUT HAIR LOSS.

IT'S ABOUT FACE GAIN.

[audience laughter]

IT'S NOTA RECEDING HAIRLINE.

IT'S AN ADVANCINGFACIAL FRONTIER.

[audience laughter]

IT'S EXCITING.

ONE DAY, ONE DAY,THIS WILL BE MY FOREHEAD.

[audience laughter]

YEAH, ONE DAY, I'LL HAVEA WHOLE HEAD... OF FACE.

[audience laughter]

MOST PEOPLE HAVE FACIALEXPRESSIONS RIGHT HERE.

IMAGINE UTILIZIN' ALL THIS.THAT'S A BIGGER CANVASS...

CONVEY MORE EMOTIONS....MOSTLY, SORROW.

[audience laughter]

IF YOU CAN SHOW MEA MAN WITH A COMB-OVER,

I CAN SHOW YOUA MAN WHO THINKS

THAT BY CRUSHING A BAG OFCHIPS, YOU MAKE MORE CHIPS.

[audience laughter]

[cheers and applause]

A FRIEND OF MINE TOLD ME--UH--THE OTHER DAY--

MY FRIEND SAID--HE SAID TO ME,

"HEY, YOU NEEDTO GROW A PAIR."

"GROW A PAIR, BRO."

IT'S WHEN SOMEONECALLS YOU "WEAK,"

BUT THEY ASSOCIATE ITWITH A LACK OF TESTICLES,

WHICH IS WEIRD,BECAUSE TESTICLES ARE LIKE

THE MOST SENSITIVETHINGS IN THE WORLD.

[audience laughter]

IF YOU SUDDENLYJUST GREW A PAIR,

YOU WOULD BEA LOT MORE VULNERABLE.

[audience laughter]

[applause]

IF YOU...

IF YOU WANNA BE TOUGH,YOU SHOULD LOSE A PAIR.

[audience laughter]

IF YOU WANNA BE REAL TOUGH,YOU SHOULD GROW A VAGINA.

[audience laughter]

[cheers and applause]

THOSE THINGS CANTAKE A POUNDIN'.

[audience laughter]

[cheers and applause]

THIS IS FUN,THIS IS FUN.

[cheers]

I'M DOIN' GOOD, I'M DOINGGOOD, YA'LL-- DOIN' GOOD.

COMEDY'S TREATING ME WELL--I HAD A LITTLE TIME OFF.

I GAVE MYSELF A LITTLEVACATION LAST YEAR.

FOUND MYSELF--I FOUND MYSELF IN ASIA,

A COUPLEDIFFERENT COUNTRIES.

I WAS, UH--ONE AFTERNOON,

I WAS EATING A PORK BUNBY A RIVER IN KYOTO.

IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.

I TOOK A BITE OUT OFTHIS SUCCULENT PORK-BUN.

SUPER DELICIOUS.

OUT OF NO WHERE,A WILD HAWK SWOOPED DOWN

AND STOLE THE PORK BUNFROM RIGHT OUT OF MY HAND.

I WAS SO FREAKED OUT,

I WAS LIKE,"OH, MY GOD--

"I DID NOT KNOW THE MEXICANFLAG WOULD DO A REMIX."

[audience laughter]

I'VE GOT A BUDDY,MY FRIEND.

HE'S A 30-YEAR-OLD VIRGIN...DOES NOT MASTURBATE.

SEEMS TO FEELMORALLY SUPERIOR

BECAUSE OF HISSEXUAL RESTRAINT...

BUT HE TOLD ME THAT HESTILL GETS WET DREAMS...

WHICH MAKES ME THINKHE'S JUST A LAZY DUDE.

[audience laughter]

HE'S NOT PUREOR RIGHTEOUS.

HE'S MORE LIKEA PROFESSIONAL.

[audience laughter]

HE'S LIKE, "HEY, DUDE,I CAN DO THIS IN MY SLEEP."

[audience laughter]

"I'M CATCHIN'Zs AND AN O.

[audience laughter]

BUT, UH, MOST OF MY FRIENDSARE SEXUALLY ACTIVE ADULTS...

[audience laughter]

...BUT SOME OF THEM--SOME OF THEM

ARE A LITTLE MOREADVANCED, YOU KNOW?

SOME OF THEM AREON THIS NEXT LEVEL

WHERE IT'S HARDERFOR ME TO RELATE.

LIKE, YOU ASK MY FRIEND,PEDRO, "WHAT ARE YOU INTO?

"WHAT TURNSYOU ON, RIGHT?"

AND PEDROWILL-WILL BE LIKE,

"WELL, HONESTLY,I LIKE IT DOGGY-STYLE,

"BUT WITH ONE LEG

"SLIGHTLY MORE EXTENDEDTHAN THE OTHER ONE,

"SO THAT IN ADDITIONTO HER BUTT,

"THERE'S ALSOFURTHER CONTACT

"BETWEEN HER INNERTHIGH AND MY BALLS."

[audience laughter]

I'M LIKE, "WHAT"...

[audience laughter]

..."THE HELL...

..."IS DOGGY STYLE?"

[audience laughter]

[cheers and applause]

YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW,YOU KNOW WHAT TURNS ME ON?

GIRLS.

[audience laughter]

YEAH, I LIKE GIRLS GIVIN' MEA LITTLE BIT OF, YOU KNOW...

CONSENT.

[audience laughter]

MY FAVORITEPOSITION IS...

MUTUAL AGREEMENT STYLE.

YOU GUYSBEEN AWESOME.

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