Comedy Central Presents
Season 1

CC Presents: Marc Maron

  • Season 1, Ep 2
  • 12/07/1998

Audience:YEAH!

THAT'S WHY I ASKED THEMTO PUT THESE BANNERS UP.

THIS WAS BACK WHEN SHOW BUSINESSHAD INTEGRITY, PEOPLE.

LOOK AT THOSE FREAKS.

NO ONE WOULD PAYTO SEE THEM ANYMORE

'CAUSE YOU CAN JUST GOTO HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD

AND WALK DOWN THERE.

IT'S LIKE,"HEY, THERE'S THE FAT LADY

AND THE BEARDED LADY.

( chuckles )

YEAH, I WASON HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD

FOR A WHILE TODAY.

I SAW THE GORILLA, TOO.

I LOVE HOLLYWOOD.

I LIKE CALIFORNIA.

IT'S WEIRD HERE THOUGH.

THERE'S THIS WHOLE NEO-BEATNIK,RETRO-BOHEMIAN COFFEE-SHOP THING

GOING ON IN THIS CITY.

I SWEAR TO GOD

YOU WALK INTO SOME COFFEE SHOPSIN THIS CITY

YOU FEEL LIKE AN EXPATRIATEIN PARIS IN THE '20s.

YOU'RE LIKE, "HEY, ISN'T THAT

"A YOUNG ERNEST HEMINGWAYOVER THERE?

"GEE, I THINK IT IS.

LET'S GO LOOK AND SEEWHAT HE'S WRITING."

IT'S A GAP APPLICATION.

GEE, I'M PROUD TO BEPART OF A GENERATION

WHERE READING IS A LOOK.

UM, I LIVE IN NEW YORK CITYAND I HAD TO MOVE RECENTLY

BECAUSE WHERE I LIVE,PEOPLE STEAL EVERYTHING.

THEY STEAL THINGSOUT OF YOUR CAR

OUT OF YOUR APARTMENT,OFF YOUR BODY

THEN TURN AROUNDAND SELL IT RIGHT ON THE STREET.

THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENEDTO ME ONCE:

A GUY COMES UP BESIDE ME

HE'S RUNNING.

HE'S LIKE, "HEY, YOU WANTTO BUY THIS WALKMAN?

SEVEN BUCKS."

THERE WAS A GUYBEHIND HIM GOING

"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?"

( laughter )

I SAID, "HOW MUCHWITHOUT THE LISTENER?

"IS THERE A PRICE ON THAT?

OR HAS THAT GUY GOT TO COME HOMEWITH ME, TOO?"

DID YOU EVER THINKABOUT HOW EASY IT IS

TO COMPLETELY RUINSOMEONE ELSE'S DAY?

IT'S A WEIRD QUESTION,ALL RIGHT?

BUT YOU COULD WALK INTO A STOREON YOUR WAY TO WORK

WALK UP TO THE GUY,"HOW YOU DOING?"

"YEAH, I'M ALL RIGHT.IT'S NICE OUT.

COULD I GET A PACKOF MARLBORO, PLEASE?"

LET'S SAY, HYPOTHETICALLY

HE PUTS THE MARLBORO LIGHTSON THE COUNTER

AND YOU JUST GO,"I DIDN'T ASK FOR THOSE.

WHAT ARE YOU,SOME KIND OF RETARD?"

NOW, THERE'S A REAL GOOD CHANCEYOU RUINED HIS DAY.

AT LEAST HIS MORNING, ALL RIGHT?

BUT WHAT YOU DON'T THINK ABOUTIS HE LEAVES WORK

WITH THAT FESTERING IN HIS HEAD

JUST GOING, "WHAT THE HELLWAS THAT GUY'S PROBLEM?

"I DIDN'T EVEN SAY ANYTHING.WHAT A JERK," YOU KNOW?

NOT THINKING,'CAUSE HE'S PISSED OFF AT YOU

HE CUTS SOME GUY OFF,AND THE GUY BEHIND HIM GOES

"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!"AND IT GOES TO THAT GUY.

DO YOU SEE WHAT I'M SAYING?

AND IT JUST GOES AROUNDAND AROUND LIKE THAT

TILL SOMEHOW OR ANOTHER

IT ALL ENDS UPIN THE MIDDLE EAST.

DO YOU SEE HOW THIS WORKS?

( laughter )

ALL OVER A PACK OF CIGARETTES.

THAT'S WHERE THE PROBLEMS ARE.

I ACTUALLY, UH,I QUIT FOR TWO WEEKS.

UH, THANK YOU.

UM...( light applause )

NO, NO, NO, I STARTED AGAIN.

I UH... I QUIT. ACTUALLY

I DIDN'T QUITBECAUSE IT WAS BAD FOR ME.

I ACTUALLY QUITBECAUSE THERE IS NO DIGNITY LEFT

IN CIGARETTE SMOKING ANYMORE.

I MEAN, WHERE IS THE DIGNITYIN STANDING OUT

IN FRONT OF THE BUILDINGYOU WORK AT

LIKE AN ABUSED ANIMAL?

( laughter )

( puffing )

OH, WAIT. I'VE GOT,LIKE, FIVE MINUTES, MAN.

AND NOW SMOKING SECTIONSARE DISAPPEARING.

I WAS AT THE AIRPORT RECENTLY.

THEY USED TO HAVE A SMOKINGSECTION AT MOST AIRPORTS.

NO MORE. THEY NOW HAVE

THESE GLASS-ENCASED ROOMS.

YOU'RE NOT JUST A SMOKER.

YOU'RE AN EXAMPLETO OTHER PEOPLE.

YOU'RE AN EXHIBITAT A FUTURISTIC ZOO.

YOU'RE INTHE NICOTINE TERRARIUM.

THERE OUGHT TO BE A SIGNOUT FRONT THAT SAYS

"THE ADDICT INITS NATURAL ENVIRONMENT."

PARENTS ARE WALKING BYWITH CHILDREN, POINTING:

"LOOK IN THERE, HONEY.

YEAH, THOSE ARE SMOKERS."

I'M IN THERE GOING...

( growls )

"STOP RUNNING, HONEY.

"YOU'RE TEASING THEM.

STOP RUNNING."

IT'S AN ADDICTION, YOU KNOW?

I UNDERSTANDTHE NONSMOKER'S PLIGHT

BUT HOW ABOUT A LITTLE SYMPATHYFOR THE WEAK?

THE PEOPLE WITH THE COURAGETO FACE CANCER EVERY DAY?

( laughter )

( chuckles )

AND I UNDERSTANDTHE NONSMOKERS' PLIGHT.

I UNDERSTAND OUR SECONDHANDSMOKE IS GIVING YOU CANCER.

BUT LET ME JUST SAY ONE THING:

THAT WHEN YOU YELL AT US

AND START GOING,"UGH! COULD YOU PUT THAT OUT?

"THIS IS A NONSMOKING CITY.

COULD YOU PLEASE PUT IT OUT?"

THAT CAUSES US STRESS,WHICH CAUSES CANCER...

( laughter )

AND WE SMOKE ON TOP OF IT,SO WHO'S THE REAL VICTIM, HMM?

IN ALL HONESTY,I FEEL BAD FOR PEOPLE

WHO HAVE NEVERBEEN ADDICTED TO ANYTHING

'CAUSE THEY'RE THE REAL LOSERS.

YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY?

'CAUSE THEY JUST DON'T KNOWWHAT IT'S LIKE

TO REALLY WANT SOMETHING...

AND GET IT AGAIN AND AGAINAND AGAIN...

WHOO!

...UNTIL THEY'RE SICKAND HAVE TO STOP.

THAT'S PASSION.

I USED TO DO A LOT OF DRUGS.

I DIDN'T STOPBECAUSE I DIDN'T ENJOY THEM.

I STOPPED BECAUSE I COULDN'THANDLE THE COMMITMENT.

I WANT TO SHARE WITH YOU'CAUSE IT'S A LITTLE ODD.

I HAD TO TURN MY BACKON BEN AND JERRY'S ICE CREAM.

YEAH, I KNOW, IT'S SAD, BUT LOOK

I'M NOT SAYINGI DON'T LIKE ICE CREAM, MAN.

I CAN PUT AWAY A PINTOF ICE CREAM IN 20 MINUTES

AND I NEVER COMMIT TO ITRIGHT OUT.

YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU DO THAT,YOU GET A PINT

AND YOU JUST LIKE, MMM...MMM, MMM.

YOU PUT IT AWAYAND YOU JUST SIT DOWN.

YOU GO, "WHAT THE HELLAM I THINKING?"

BUT I HAD TO TURN MY BACK ON ITFOR ONE REASON.

IT USED TO BE GOOD ICE CREAM,BUT SOMETHING HAPPENED.

THEY USED TO HAVEINTERESTING FLAVORS

BUT NOW YOU GET THE FEELING

THEY'RE JUST PUTTING STUFF INJUST TO SELL THE STUFF.

HOW COMPLICATEDCAN ICE CREAM FLAVORS BE?

HOW MUCH CAN YOU PUT IN THERE?

WHEN THE FLAVOR'S SOMETHING LIKE

BANANA ICE CREAMWITH CARAMEL-FUDGE CHUNKS

CHEDDAR GOLDFISH AND PENNIES...

( laughter )

YOU GOT TO DRAW A LINE THERE,YOU KNOW?

STOP AT CURRENCY.

I, UH, I DON'T GET ADDICTEDTO EVERYTHING.

I LIKE THE VICE,BUT I'VE NEVER BEEN A GAMBLER.

DO YOU PEOPLE LIKE TO GAMBLE?

Man:NOW AND AGAIN.

"NOW AND AGAIN"?

I'M JUST NO GOOD AT IT.

AND YOU CAN'T GET ADDICTEDTO SOMETHING YOU'RE BAD AT

'CAUSE THENYOU'RE JUST AN IDIOT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

IF YOU DON'T AT LEASTHAVE THAT MOMENT

WHERE YOU GO, "OH, MY GOD!

THIS IS THE BEST THINGI'VE EVER DONE!"

AND THEN RUIN YOUR LIFEAFTER THAT

YOU'RE JUST AN IDIOT, YOU KNOW?

AND I'M A BAD GAMBLER.

I'M THE KIND OF GUY,IF I'M AT A BLACKJACK TABLE

DEALER'S GOT 16, I GOT 20,I'LL HIT.

"COME ON. HIT ME!"

HE'S LIKE, "ARE YOU SURE, SIR?"

"SHUT UP, MAN!IT'S MY NIGHT. HIT ME."

AND IF YOU'VE EVER PLAYEDBLACKJACK

YOU'LL KNOW THAT THE FREAKNEXT TO YOU

WHEN YOU DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT

WILL GO,"WHAT ARE YOU DOING, MAN?

YOU'RE SCREWING UP MY CARDS."

AND I JUST LOOK AT HIM,I GO, "I'M GAMBLING."

( laughter )

AW, LOOK AT THAT.

( applause )

PEOPLE ARE APPLAUDING.

I WAS WITH MY WIFEFOR EIGHT YEARS

BEFORE I ASKED HER TO MARRY ME.

I LIVED WITH HER FOR FIVE.

NOW, WHEN YOU'VE BEENWITH SOMEBODY EIGHT YEARS

BEFORE YOU ASK THEMTO MARRY YOU

IT TAKES A LITTLE MOMENTUMOUT OF THE ENGAGEMENT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

HERE'S HOW I THINK I PROPOSED:

I JUST GOT DOWN ON ONE KNEEAND I SAID

"SO, YOU WANT TO BREAK UP OR...?

AND I REALLY THOUGHT--THIS IS STUPID--

I REALLY THOUGHTA COUPLE OF THINGS.

THERE ARE TWO THINGS THAT HAPPENWHEN YOU GET ENGAGED:

YOU GET ALL EXCITED,YOU GIVE HER THE RING

AND IT'S REAL EMOTIONAL.

YOU GIVE IT TO HERAND SHE CRIES

AND A SECOND LATER, YOU'RE LIKE,"DAMN! I COULD HAVE HAD A CAR!"

BUT YOU GOT TO LET THAT GO.

BUT I REALLY THOUGHTWHEN I GOT ENGAGED

WHEN I PUT THAT RINGON HER FINGER

IT WOULD BUY ME A LITTLE TIME.

THIS IS NOT TRUE.

SOON AS THE RING GOES ON,IT'S LIKE A SWITCH.

ROOMS ARE BEING RENTED,BAKERS ARE CALLED

THERE ARE MUSICIANS INVOLVEDAND IT'S OUT OF YOUR HANDS, MAN.

YOU MIGHT AS WELL BE ON A DOCKWAVING GOOD-BYE TO A BOAT.

"SEE YA! YEAH, I'LL GET THE TUX.

I'LL SEE YOU AT THE PLACE."

AND IF YOU THINKYOU'RE GOING TO HAVE

THE WEDDING YOU WANT TO HAVE

AND YOUR FAMILY'S INVOLVED,FORGET IT.

WE THOUGHT WE WERE GOINGTO GET MARRIED ON A MOUNTAIN

AT SUNSET IN ARIZONA.

HER MOTHER PUT THE KIBOSHON THAT PLAN WITH ONE SENTENCE:

"ESTHER CAN'T MAKE ITUP THE HILL."

THERE'S ALWAYS AN ESTHERAND SHE'S NOT GOING UP THE HILL.

( laughter )

AND I... AND HERE'SWHAT I STARTED THINKING...

WHEN YOU GET ENGAGED, YOU STARTFREAKING OUT A LITTLE BIT.

YOU REALLY DO.

AND I STARTED FESTERING.

AND I STARTED THINKING,"GOD, THE NUMBER OF PEOPLE

"THAT WILL THINK YOU'RE A JERKIF YOU BREAK OFF AN ENGAGEMENT

GROWS EXPONENTIALLYAS EACH DAY GOES BY.

LET'S SAY TWO WEEKS INTO IT

YOU'RE LIKE, "I DON'T EVENLIKE HER. WHAT AM I DOING?"

AND YOU BREAK IT OFF.

SHE'LL THINK YOU'RE A JERK--

HER FAMILY, HER FRIENDS--

BUT YOU CUT YOUR LOSSES THERE.

THEN I STARTED THINKING

"WHAT IF I WALKED OUTON THE ALTAR?"

I WOULDN'T DO IT,BUT JUST TO THINK ABOUT IT

MAKES YOU GO, "OH, MAN!"

WHICH ISN'T A BAD FEELINGFOR A SECOND, YOU KNOW?

BUT IT CAN HAPPEN, YOU KNOW?

YOU'RE ALREADY WASTEDWHEN YOU'RE UP THERE.

THAT'S WHY YOU HAVE A BEST MANJUST TO HOLD YOU UP.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

YOU CAN SMELL TEQUILA

IN THE SWEAT ON YOUR UPPER LIP.

THE BREASTS OF THE STRIPPERFROM THE NIGHT BEFORE

ARE BOUNCING IN YOUR HEADLIKE SUGARPLUMS.

IT WOULD BE SO EASYFOR THE GUY TO GO

"DO YOU TAKE THIS WOMAN...?"

YOU JUST GO, "YOU KNOW WHAT?

I DON'T." ( laughs )

WHAT AN AMAZING MOMENTTHAT WOULD BE.

'CAUSE AT THAT MOMENT

EVERYONE YOU KNOWWOULD THINK YOU'RE A JERK

AND YOU WOULD BE TRULY FREE.

( laughter )

BUT WHAT WOULD YOU DO THEN?

WHAT? ARE YOU GOINGTO BECOME A COWBOY?

WHAT? ARE YOU GOING TO RIDETHE HIGH PLAINS?

SHOW UP IN A BAR IN MEXICOIN FEW WEEKS GOING

"YEAH, I GOT A STORY.

"CAN I GET A BATH, A ROOM

AND A WOMAN FOR THIS RING?"

CLINK.

( laughter )

I GOT MARRIED AND IT'S GOOD.

I JUST WANT TO CLEAR UPA FEW THINGS ABOUT MARRIAGE.

IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT LOVE.

Man:HUH?

NOPE. THAT'S HALF OF IT, BUDDY

AND YOU'LL LEARN THISAS YOU GET OLDER.

THE OTHER HALF IS ABOUT THATMOMENT YOU HAVE WITH YOURSELF

WHEN YOU'RE LOOKINGIN THE MIRROR

AND YOU JUST GO "OH, MAN, I'MGOING TO COMPROMISE MY DREAMS

"GET FAT, SICK, OLDAND DIE SOMEDAY.

GEE, I KIND OF WANT TO HAVESOMEONE AROUND FOR THAT."

YOU DON'T WANTTO BE 50 AND FAT

SITTING IN A ONE-ROOM APARTMENTBY YOURSELF GOING, "LOOK AT ME!

I'M A FAT FAILURE!"

( laughter )

NO, YOU KIND OF WANTTO HAVE SOMEONE THERE TO GO

"IT'S OKAY, HONEY.

"LET'S GO GETSOME FROZEN YOGURT...

COWBOY."

YOU'RE A VERY NICE AUDIENCE.

I BELIEVE THAT TO BE TRUE.

POLITE ANYWAYS.

THE WEIRD THINGABOUT GETTING MARRIED IS...

DO YOU BELIEVE IN IDEAL LOVE?

YOU'RE A WOMAN.A LOT OF WOMEN DO.

LIKE PERFECT LOVE?

LIKE THE KIND OF LOVELIKE ROMEO AND JULIET?

LIKE THE KIND OF LOVETHAT WOULD MAKE YOU

SAY THINGS LIKE,"I WOULD DIE FOR YOU.

"THAT'S HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU.

"I WOULD KILL A MAN FOR YOU.

THAT'S HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU."

NOW, I'M NOT SAYING THAT KINDOF LOVE DOESN'T EXIST, OKAY?

BUT IF IT DOES, GENERALLY,IT'S ONLY FOR A FEW DAYS.

USUALLY, THERE'SSUBSTANCE ABUSE INVOLVED...

( laughter )

SOMEONE IS UNEMPLOYED

AND WHEN IT'S OVER,YOU END UP STANDING

IN FRONTOF AN APARTMENT BUILDING GOING

"JUST GIVE ME MY SHIRTS!

"I'LL LEAVE. DON'T BE A BITCH.

"JUST GIVE ME MY SHIRTS.

JULIET!"

( applause )

I RENT IT.

'CAUSE IF YOU BUY IT,IT STARTS STACKING UP

AND YOU WATCH TOO MUCH

AND WHEN YOU DO GET OUTOF THE HOUSE, PEOPLE KNOW.

'CAUSE YOU'RE SORT OF LIKE...

( lewd laugh )

ANYWHERE YOU GO.

YOU COULD BE, LIKE,AT A GROCERY STORE--

"OH, YEAH, DO IT! DO IT!"

AND SHE'S GOING,"SIR, YOU DON'T HAVE TEN ITEMS.

IT'S THE OTHER LANE YOU WANT."

( lewd laugh )

( laughter )

AND THE REASON... ANOTHER REASONI RENT IS BECAUSE WHEN YOU RENT

IT KEEPSYOUR CONSCIENCE IN CHECK.

BECAUSE WHEN YOU RENT PORN

YOU HAVE TO TAKE THE LONG WALKOF SHAME TO THE VIDEO STORE

AND THEN I GOT TO GO THERE

AND IT'S THIS LITTLE OLD GUYWHO OWNS MY VIDEO STORE.

I GOT TO WALK DOWN THE AISLE

AND HE'S SITTING THEREGOING, "OH, NO, NO, NO, NO."

AND I GO INTO THE ADULT SECTION.

I GOT TO CRAWL UPTO THE COUNTER GOING

( with raspy voice ):"I WANT THIS ONE."

BUT THAT IS NOT HALFAS HUMILIATING

AS THE WALK BACK TWO HOURS LATERWHEN YOU'RE LIKE

( with raspy voice ):"I'M DONE."

( laughter )

BUT I'M AFRAIDOF THE GUY JUDGING ME

BECAUSE I DON'T WANT HIM

TO THINKI'M SOME SORT OF FREAKY PERVERT.

SO NOW WHEN I RENT PORN

I LIKE TO GET DIRTY DEBUTANTESAND CITIZEN KANE JUST SO...

HE KNOWSI'M A MASTURBATING LOSER

BUT I'M A SOPHISTICATEDMASTURBATING LOSER

WHO UNDERSTANDS DEEP FOCUSAND THEATRICAL LIGHTING.

UM... HOW MANY...?

MOST OF YOU HAVE VIDEO CAMERAS.

HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE ACTUALLYTAPED THEMSELVES HAVING SEX?

COME ON!

JUST LIKE TWO OF YOU?

WHY DOESN'T EVERYONEDO THIS?

I MEAN, PEOPLE HAVEVIDEO CAMERAS--

THEY'LL TAPE VACATIONS,BIRTHDAY PARTIES.

THEY'LL GO OUTINTO THE STREET

AND LOOK FOR OTHER PEOPLEKICKING EACH OTHER'S ASS

AND TAPE THAT.

BUT THE THOUGHT OF SETTING IT UPIN THE BEDROOM

NEVER OCCURRED TO YOU?

IT'S A GREAT THINGFOR A COUPLE OF REASONS.

WELL, YOU DO LOOK BIGGERON TV, THAT IS TRUE

BUT IT COULD BE A LEARNING TOOL.

YOU COULD GET UPTHE NEXT MORNING AND GO OVER IT

LIKE "OKAY, HONEY,SEE WHEN YOU DID THAT--

"WHEN YOU TURNED AROUND

"THAT WAS GOOD.

REWIND THAT. MORE OF THAT."

( laughter and applause )

BUT I ACTUALLY THINK

THAT NOT ONLY SHOULD YOUTAPE YOURSELF HAVING SEX

BUT THERE SHOULD BE PARTOF YOUR LOCAL VIDEO STORE

JUST FOR HOME PORNO.

JUST FROM PEOPLEIN THE NEIGHBORHOOD.

( laughter )

WHAT A COMMUNITY BONDERTHAT WOULD BE.

CAN YOU IMAGINEYOU'RE AT THE SUPERMARKET--

"HEY, BOB, WE RENTEDYOUR MOVIE LAST NIGHT, MAN.

"THAT WAS TERRIFIC.

"REALLY CREATIVE, YOU KNOW.

"I LOST YOUWHEN YOU BROUGHT THE DOG IN.

BUT BEFORE THAT,I THOUGHT IT WAS GOOD."

( laughter )

I'M NOT.

WHAT'S A PERVERT?

IS THERE SUCH A THINGAS A PERVERT?

REALLY?YES.

NO, THERE'S NOT.

WHAT IF I WAS ONE OF THOSEPEOPLE THAT ALL I DID SEXUALLY

WAS SUSPEND MYSELFFROM NIPPLE CLAMPS IN MY GARAGE

WITH RUBBER UNDERWEAR ONAND A CHEF'S HAT AND JUST ROCKED

BACK AND FORTHGOING, "WHAT'S COOKIN'?"

DOES THAT MAKE ME A PERVERT?

NO, NO, IT DOESN'T.

IT JUST MAKES ME SPECIFIC.

I KNOW WHAT I LIKE

AND IT'S MY GARAGE.

I'M NOT A PERVERT THOUGH.

I'M JUST GETTING OLDER.

I'M NOT OLD.

I'M 35. THAT'S NOT OLD.

BUT AS YOU GET OLDER,YOU'VE GOT TO LET THINGS GO.

CERTAIN THINGSAREN'T GOING TO HAPPEN.

MAYBE I'M NOT GOING TO BEAN ASTRONAUT, YOU KNOW.

( laughter )

BUT YOU REALIZE YOU'REGETTING OLDER IN WEIRD WAYS.

LIKE I REALIZED RECENTLY

TEENAGE GIRLSDON'T EVEN ACKNOWLEDGE ME

AS A SEXUAL BEING ANYMORE.

DON'T MISUNDERSTAND ME, FOLKS.

I'M NOT SAYING I WANT TO HAVESEX WITH TEENAGE GIRLS, OKAY?

I'M JUST SAYING,"HEY, THROW ME A BONE.

"HOW ABOUT A SMILE?

CUTE T-SHIRT, LOOK AT ME."

NOTHING--

UNLESS IT'S TO TURNTO THEIR FRIENDS AND GO

"HEY, WHY IS THAT WEIRD GUYLOOKING AT US?

"WHAT'S HE DOING AT THE MALL?

"QUICK, GET TO THE FOOD COURT.

"THE GUARD'S THERE.

"RUN, YOU GUYS. HE'S COMING.

YOU GUYS."

I'M LYING.

OF COURSE I WANT TO HAVE SEXWITH TEENAGE GIRLS.

I MEAN...

( laughter and applause )

WE ARE GOING TO TALKABOUT SOMETHING

I KNOW IS VERY NEAR AND DEARTO ALL OF US.

I, UH... CERTAINLY, HAD I KNOWNYOU'D BE THIS GOOD AN AUDIENCE

I WOULD HAVE GOTTEN HIGHER.

( laughter )

UM... NOT SO MUCH'CAUSE I THINK DRUGS ARE GOOD.

I HAVE TO DO DRUGS--IT'S PART OF MY JOB.

LET ME EXPLAIN THAT.

THEY'RE NOT... THEY'RE NOTTESTING COMICS FOR DRUGS.

IF OUR JOBS DEPENDED ON THAT

THERE'D BE THREE WORKING COMICSIN THE COUNTRY

AND TWO OF THEMWOULD HAVE PUPPETS.

AND WHAT KIND OF WORLD IS THAT?

( laughter )

AND I FEEL BAD FOR PEOPLE

WHO GET TESTED FOR DRUGSWHERE THEY WORK

'CAUSE LET'S BE HONEST, FOLKS.

ISN'T IT ENOUGHTHAT YOU WORK THERE?

WHY DO THEY HAVE TO RUINYOUR WEEKEND ON TOP OF IT?

IS ANY JOB THAT GOOD TO WHEREYOU'RE OUT ON A FRIDAY NIGHT

AND YOUR BUDDY GOES...

( sucking sounds )

AND YOU GOT TO GO,"DAMN, I HATE MY JOB!"

( laughter )

I MEAN, IS DENTALREALLY WORTH THAT?

AND I THINK NOT ONLYIS DRUG TESTING UNCONSTITUTIONAL

I THINK IT'S CHEATING.

I MEAN, THE WAY I FIGURE IT

IF YOU CAN'T TELL I'M HIGHBY LOOKING AT ME...

I WIN.

( laughter and applause )

Man:WHOO!

WHOO-HOO!

"I'M NOT GOING TO PEE ANYWHEREEXCEPT ON YOUR DESK, CAPTAIN.

"I GUESS THAT WILL BEMY NOTICE AS WELL.

"THAT'S UP TO YOU.

"BUT I'LL TELL YOU FOR SURE

IF YOU LIKE BEING PEED ON,I'LL BE HERE EARLY FOR WORK."

WHO WOULDN'T WANT TO PEEON THEIR BOSS JUST ONCE?

COME ON, BE HONEST, FOLKS.

NOW, LISTEN TO ME.

I THINK THERE ARE SOME JOBS

THAT YOU OUGHT TO BE ABLETO GET HIGH BEFORE YOU GO.

IT SHOULD BE YOUR UNDERSTANDINGWITH YOUR EMPLOYER.

LET'S SAY YOU'VE GOT TO TAKEA COUPLE OF TOKES

JUST TO MUSTER UP THE DIGNITY

TO WEAR THE STUPID LITTLE HATALL DAY.

YOU SHOULD BE ABLETO GET HIGH.

AND IF YOUR BOSS SAYS,"ARE YOU HIGH?"

YOU SHOULD GO,"HELL, YES, I'M HIGH.

"LOOK AT ME.

"HELLO. HOW ARE YOU?

REMEMBER THE HATS?"

"CAN YOU DO YOUR JOB HIGH?"

"YOU KNOW WHAT? I CAN.

"LOOK, I GOT BOTH BASKETSGOING IN THE FRY-O-LATOR HERE.

"I'M A GENIUS. LOOK AT ME GO.

"WHY DON'T YOU GET OFF MY BACK?

"HOW WOULD THAT BE?

"I'M BACK HEREWATCHING MY DREAMS

"BUBBLE AWAY IN FAT, YOU ASS.

"WHY DON'T GO PESTER SOMEONEWHO WORKS THE REGISTER?

"THEY NEED TO TALKTO OTHER PEOPLE.

"LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE.

"WAIT. DON'T GO YET.

"OH, DON'T GO YET. WATCH THIS.

"WHOO!

"FRIES ARE UP!

"IF YOU NEED ME,I'LL BE OUT BACK GETTING HIGH

"SO I CAN LIVE WITH MYSELF

MY LITTLE HAT AND MYGREEN APRON, YOU BASTARD."

IT TAKES TEN YEARS TO CREATEAN OVERNIGHT SUCCESS.

YOU'VE HEARD THAT, RIGHT?

BUT WHAT YOU DON'T HEAR

IS THAT THAT'STHE EXACT SAME AMOUNT OF TIME

IT TAKES TO CREATEA BITTER FAILURE.

AND YOU'RE REALLY NOT SUREWHAT IT'S GOING TO BE

TILL, LIKE, THE NIGHT BEFORE.

AND THEN YOU DON'T EVEN KNOWWHAT HITS YOU.

YOU JUST GO...

( disgusted sigh )

OUR LAST SHOW BUSINESS STORY--

WE CAN ALL ADMITTHAT THERE'S A DIFFERENCE

BETWEEN ART AND ENTERTAINMENT,RIGHT?

CAN WE? MOST OF THE TIME?

I THINK IT COMESFROM A DIFFERENT PLACE.

I HAVE A STORYTO BEST ILLUSTRATE THAT.

I WAS IN MONTREAL.

THEY HAVE A LOTOF STREET PERFORMERS.

I'M WALKING DOWN THE STREET

AND I SEE THIS HUGE CROWDGATHERED AROUND SOMETHING

I CAN'T QUITE SEE YET.

AS I GET CLOSER, I REALIZEIT'S A GUY IN A CLOWN SUIT

ON STILTS JUGGLING,AND PEOPLE ARE ECSTATIC.

IT'S LIKE JESUS HAD COME BACK.

THEY'RE CLIMBING OVER EACH OTHERTO PUT MONEY IN HIS BAG.

I'M WALKING BY GOING,"IT'S A CLOWN! TAKE IT EASY!"

I JUST PASS IT BY.

THE NEXT BLOCK DOWN

THERE'S A GUY PLAYING SAXOPHONEBRILLIANTLY.

HE'S JUST STANDING THERE.

HIS NECK LOOKS LIKEIT'S ABOUT TO EXPLODE.

BIG OLD CHUNKY COLTRANE RIFFSFLYING OUT.

LOOKS REALLY INTO IT.

IT'S REALLY GREAT STUFF.

NO ONE'S THERE.

JUST ME AND A DANCINGHOMELESS GUY, YOU KNOW.

THERE'S LIKE 50 CENTSIN HIS LITTLE BOX

AND THERE'S A LITTLE STACKOF CDs THERE.

AND I LOOK UP THE STREET

AND THE CROWD IS GATHERINGAROUND THE CLOWN

AND THENTHE GUY PLAYING SAX STOPS.

OF COURSETHE HOMELESS GUY KEEPS DANCING.

HE SORT OF AMBLES AWAY.

I SAY TO THE GUY,"MAN, THAT WAS BRILLIANT.

WAS THAT COLTRANE?"

HE GOES, "NO. IT'S AN ORIGINAL.

"IF YOU LIKE IT SO MUCH,WHY DON'T YOU BUY MY CD?

IT'S ON THERE."

I PICK IT UP.

HE GOES, "IT'S CUT THREE.

"YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S CALLED?

'KILLING THE CLOWN ON STILTS.'"

Loading...