CC Presents: Dan Mintz

  • Season 12, Ep 20
  • 01/11/2008

HE'S A HOLOCAUST SURVIVOR,

AND HIS WIFE WAS MURDEREDBY CHARLES MANSON.

AND HE [BLEEP] A 13-YEA-OLD,

AND HE'S ANAWARD-WINNING DIRECTOR.

I'D BE HAPPYWITH JUST ONE OF THOSE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I WAS VERY PRACTICAL GROWING UP.

SOME KIDS HAD A RACECAR BED.I HAD A HONDA CIVIC BED.

[ LAUGHTER ]

MY FAMILY'S REALLY BADABOUT PROCRASTINATING.

WE STILL HAVEN'T TAKEN DOWNOUR CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS,

AND IT'S BEEN THREE GENERATIONSSINCE WE CONVERTED TO JUDAISM.

[ LAUGHTER ]

WHEN I WENTTO THE SHOOTING RANGE,

THEY TOLD ME WEARING EARPLUGSWILL PROTECT MY EARS,

BUT THE BULLET WENTRIGHT THROUGH THE EARPLUG

INTO MY BRAIN.

I HAVE SOME PROMOTIONALT-SHIRTS.

YOU CAN GET THESE ON MY WEBSITE.

I JUST WANTED TO SHOW YOUONE NOW.

ON THE FRONT IT HAS MY NAME,DAN MINTZ.

ON THE BACK IT HAS A LINEFROM MY STAND-UP,

"ARE YOU GOING TO RAPE ME?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ APPLAUSE ]

$25.

THEY SAYTHAT IF YOU'RE A TEACHER,

YOU ONLY HAVE TO MAKE ADIFFERENCE IN ONE CHILD'S LIFE

TO MAKE IT ALL WORTHWHILE.

SO, IF I WAS A TEACHER,

I WOULD DO THATON THE FIRST DAY,

AND THEN I COULD JUST RELAX.

[ LAUGHTER ]

EVERYONE AT WORKTHINKS I'M CRAZY

BECAUSE I COME TO WORK EVERY DAYWEARING A SPACE SUIT,

BUT YOU DRESS THE JOB YOU WANT,NOT THE JOB YOU HAVE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ APPLAUSE ]

THEN I GOT IN TROUBLE AT WORKFOR ASKING OUT THIS GIRL.

AND SHE WAS LIKE,

"OUR RELATIONSHIP NEEDS TO BESTRICTLY PROFESSIONAL,"

SO I OFFERED HER $400TO HAVE SEX WITH ME.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I HAVE OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVEDISORDER,

BUT I'M ALSO REALLY LAZY.

EVERY DAY I'LL WASH MY HANDS

A COUPLE TIMESIF I FEEL LIKE IT.

UM...

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT ONE THING I LEARNED RECENTLY

IS WHEN YOU GO ON AN AIRPLANE,

DON'T HIDE YOUR WEED IN A GUN.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I HATE IT WHEN I CALL A GIRLTO ASK HER OUT,

BUT THEN I GET SCARED

AND PRETEND LIKE I WAS CALLINGABOUT SOMETHING ELSE.

AND I'M LIKE,"HEY, JULIE, IT'S DAN MINTZ.

I'M CALLING FROM BANK OF AMERICAABOUT YOUR CREDIT CARD."

[ LAUGHTER ]

I BELIEVE IN THENATIVE-AMERICAN PHILOSOPHY

THAT WHEN YOU GO HUNTING,

YOU SHOULD USE EVERY PARTOF THE ANIMAL YOU KILL.

LIKE, THE OTHER DAY,I KILLED A POLAR BEAR.

I USED THE JAWBONETO MAKE A KNIFE,

AND I USED THE REST OFTHE ANIMAL TO HAVE SEX WITH.

[ LAUGHTER ]

Woman: WHOO!

A LOT OF THE TIME, I THINK...

A LOT OF THE TIME, I THINKI HAVE A REALLY GOOD IDEA,

BUT THEN IT TURNS OUTIT'S ACTUALLY NOT A GOOD IDEA.

LIKE, I WAS REALLY HUNGRY,AND I WANTED A PERSONAL CHEF,

BUT I COULDN'T AFFORD ONE.

SO I HAD THIS IDEATHAT I'D START A BUSINESS

THAT'S LIKE A TIMESHARE THINGFOR PERSONAL CHEFS,

WHERE A BUNCH OF PEOPLEPOOL THEIR MONEY.

YOU JUST USE THE CHEFWHEN YOU NEED ONE.

AND I WAS REALLY EXCITED.

AND THEN I REALIZED THAT I JUSTINVENTED THE RESTAURANT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

WOMEN REALLY LIKE IT WHEN I TAKETHEM OUT IN A HORSE AND CARRIAGE

UNTIL AROUND THE FIFTHOR SIXTH DATE

WHEN THEY START TO REALIZEI JUST DON'T HAVE A CAR.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I TOOK ONE OF THOSEPERSONALITY TESTS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

CAME BACK NEGATIVE.

I LIKE TO BE ROMANTICWITH WOMEN,

BUT THERE'S SOMETHINGABOUT MY VOICE

THAT KIND OF RUINS IT.

I DON'T REALLY KNOW WHAT IT IS,BUT I'LL BE LIKE,

"YOU LOOK REALLY BEAUTIFULIN THE MOONLIGHT TONIGHT."

AND SHE'LL SAY,"ARE YOU GONNA RAPE ME?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

WHEN PEOPLE SAY THAT SUPERMAN ISFASTER THAN A SPEEDING BULLET,

DO THEY REALLY HAVE TO USETHE WORD "SPEEDING"?

"HEY, I JUST SAW THIS GUYWHO'S FASTER THAN A BULLET."

"OH, YOU MEAN LIKE A BULLETI GENTLY TOSS ACROSS THE ROOM?"

"NO, A SPEEDING BULLET.

I'M SORRY.I SHOULD HAVE CLARIFIED."

WHENEVER GOD MAKESTERRIBLE THINGS HAPPEN,

EVERYONE SAYS HE WORKSIN MYSTERIOUS WAYS.

BUT WHEN I MAKE TERRIBLE THINGSHAPPEN, I'M JUST A DICK.

[ LAUGHTER ]

MAYBE I WORK IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS.

Loading...