CC Presents: Demetri Martin

  • 03/18/2004

Take a magical journey to the place where Demetri Martin finds his jokes.

THANK YOU, THAT'S SO NICE OF YOU

GUYS.

IT'S GREAT TO BE HERE.

I'M SO EXCITED TO BE DOING

A SPECIAL, MY FIRST SPECIAL.

IT'S A GREAT YEAR.

I MEAN I'VE HAD SUCH AN EXCITING

YEAR.

I HAD A GREAT CHRISTMAS THIS

YEAR.

I SET A PERSONAL RECORD ON

CHRISTMAS.

I GOT MY SHOPPING DONE THREE

WEEKS AHEAD OF TIME.

YEAH.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I HAD ALL THE PRESENTS BACK

IN MY APARTMENT.

I WAS HALFWAY THROUGH WRAPPING

'EM, AND I REALIZED, DAMN,

I USED THE WRONG WRAPPING PAPER.

THE PAPER I USED SAID

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY".

[LAUGHTER]

I DIDN'T WANNA WASTE IT,

SO I WROTE "JESUS" ON IT.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

A DRUNK DRIVER'S VERY DANGEROUS.

EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT.

BUT SO IS A DRUNK, BACK-SEAT

DRIVER IF HE'S PERSUASIVE.

[LAUGHTER]

DUDE, MAKE A LEFT.

THOSE ARE TREES.

TRUST ME.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

TO ME SWIMMING IS A CONFUSING

SPORT, BECAUSE SOMETIMES YOU DO

IT FOR FUN, BUT THEN OTHER TIMES

YOU DO IT TO NOT DIE.

[LAUGHTER]

AND WHEN I'M SWIMMING,

SOMETIMES I DON'T KNOW WHICH ONE

IT IS.

I GOTTA GO BY THE OUTFIT.

PANTS.

UH-OH.

BATHING SUIT.

OKAY.

NAKED.

WE'LL SEE.

[LAUGHTER]

SHOULD I BE SWIMMING FASTER?

OR AM I GETTING LAID?

I LIKE PARTIES, BUT I DON'T LIKE

PINIATAS BECAUSE THE PINIATA

PROMOTES VIOLENCE AGAINST

FLAMBOYANT ANIMALS.

[LAUGHTER]

HEY, THERE'S A DONKEY WITH SOME

PIZZAZZ.

LET'S KICK HIS ASS.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS DON'T

MAKE THE SAME HALLOWEEN COSTUME

MISTAKE THAT I DID.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

I WAS MAKING PANCAKES THE

OTHER DAY AND A FLY FLEW INTO

THE KITCHEN.

AND THAT'S WHEN I REALIZED THAT

A SPATULA IS A LOT LIKE A FLY

SWATTER.

[LAUGHTER]

AND A CRUSHED FLY IS A LOT LIKE

A BLUEBERRY.

[AUDIENCE GROANS]

AND A ROOMMATE IS A LOT LIKE

A FLY-EATER.

[LAUGHTER]

COLOGNE RHYMES WITH ALONE.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

IF I HAVE TO MOVE UP IN

A BUILDING, I CHOOSE THE

ELEVATOR OVER THE ESCALATOR,

BECAUSE ONE TIME I WAS RIDING

THE ESCALATOR AND I TRIPPED.

I FELL DOWN THE STAIRS FOR AN

HOUR AND A HALF, JUST KEPT

FALLING.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THANKS.

THANKS, EVERYBODY.

I THINK EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH

IS A GOOD EXAMPLE OF WHEN

A PERSON CAN BE A WINNER AND

A LOSER AT THE SAME TIME.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I LIKE SPORTS.

I LIKE PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL.

I LIKE TO GO--

[AUDIENCE SCREAMS]

YEAH.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I LIKE TO GET TO THE STADIUM.

I LIKE TO GET TO THE STADIUM

AND SEE THE GAMES LIVE,

YOU KNOW.

AND I PAINT MY CHEST BEFORE

I LEAVE THE HOUSE.

BUT I DON'T HAVE THAT MANY

FRIENDS, YOU KNOW, SO I USUALLY

JUST DO PUNCTUATION AND LIKE

TACK ON A GROUP ALREADY IN

PROGRESS.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT SOMETIMES LIKE--

BUT SOMETIMES IT WORKS OUT KIND

OF WEIRD, 'CUZ WE ENDED UP ON TV

ONE TIME.

AND IT SAID, "JETS?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I LIKE TELLING JOKES.

I LIKE WRITING JOKES AND TELLING

JOKES.

BUT SOMETIMES WHEN I DO JOKES,

THEY DON'T WORK THE WAY I

INTENDED.

THEY DON'T WORK AS WELL AS I

WANTED THEM TO.

AND IT'S FRUSTRATING, YOU KNOW?

BUT I HATE TO GIVE UP ON A JOKE.

SO, I WANTED TO TRY SOMETHING

TONIGHT.

THESE ARE SOME OF MY JOKES THAT

DIDN'T WORK THE FIRST TIME

AROUND, BUT I THINK IT'S BECAUSE

I DIDN'T CONVEY THE PICTURE THAT

WAS IN MY HEAD, THE VISUAL THAT

I WAS TRYING TO COMMUNICATE TO

THE AUDIENCE.

BUT I THINK WITH THESE MATERIAL

ENHANCERS, THEY MIGHT WORK.

SO, LET'S BEGIN.

MATERIAL ENHANCERS STARTS NOW.

I WAS AT A PARTY THE OTHER

NIGHT...

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND--

I WAS AT A PARTY THE OTHER NIGHT

AND I SAW A GUY WEARING A

LEATHER JACKET, AND I THOUGHT,

"THAT IS COOL."

[LAUGHTER]

LIKE TEN MINUTES LATER, I SAW

A GUY WEARING A LEATHER VEST,

AND I THOUGHT, "THAT IS NOT

COOL."

AND THAT'S WHEN I REALIZED THAT

COOL IS ALL ABOUT LEATHER

SLEEVES.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

ABOUT A MONTH AGO, I GOTTA

CACTUS.

AND A WEEK LATER, IT DIED.

[LAUGHTER]

AND I GOT REALLY DEPRESSED,

BECAUSE I WAS LIKE, DAMN, I AM

LESS NURTURING THAN A DESERT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

A LOT OF PEOPLE LIKE LOLLIPOPS.

I DON'T LIKE LOLLIPOPS, 'CUZ TO

ME, A LOLLIPOP IS HARD CANDY

PLUS GARBAGE.

[LAUGHTER]

I DON'T NEED A HANDLE.

JUST GIVE ME THE CANDY.

[APPLAUSE]

IF YOU WANNA MAKE AN IMAGINARY

ANIMAL, IF YOU WANNA MAKE

A MYTHICAL CREATURE, JUST TAKE

A REGULAR ANIMAL AND ADD WINGS

TO IT.

HORSE BECOMES PEGASUS.

A LION BECOMES A GRIFFIN AND

A HAWK BECOMES A DOUBLE HAWK.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M INTO CLOTHES.

I DIG FABRICS, YOU KNOW.

ONE OF MY FAVORITE CLOTHING

PATTERNS IS CAMOUFLAGE, BECAUSE

WHEN YOU'RE IN THE WOODS, IT

MAKES YOU BLEND IN.

BUT WHEN YOU'RE NOT, IT DOES

JUST THE OPPOSITE.

IT'S LIKE, "HEY, THERE'S

AN [BLEEP]-HOLE."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BUT WHEN YOU'RE IN THE WOODS,

YOU'RE LIKE, "IS THERE AN

[BLEEP]-HOLE OUT HERE?"

THEY LOOK LIKE TREES.

SOME OF THESE JOKES I FEEL LIKE

I CAN'T REALLY DO IN THIS

SETTING.

THEY WOULD WORK BETTER IN A

COMEDY CLUB, SO I JUST WANNA

TRY JUST A FEW OF 'EM.

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I THINK THAT WHEN YOU GET

DRESSED IN THE MORNING,

SOMETIMES YOU'RE REALLY MAKING

A DECISION ABOUT YOUR BEHAVIOR

FOR THE DAY.

LIKE IF YOU PUT ON FLIP-FLOPS,

YOU'RE SAYING, "HOPE I DON'T

GET CHASED TODAY."

BE NICE TO PEOPLE IN SNEAKERS.

WHENEVER I TRY TO SPELL BANANA,

IT MAKES ME FEEL STUPID, BECAUSE

I DON'T KNOW WHEN TO END IT.

I'M LIKE HOW MANY NA'S ARE ON

THIS THING?

BANA.

KEEP GOING.

BANANA.

DAMN.

[LAUGHTER]

A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T LIKE

BUMPER STICKERS.

I DON'T MIND BUMPER STICKER.

TO ME, A BUMPER STICKER IS A

SHORTCUT.

IT'S LIKE A LITTLE SIGN THAT

SAYS, "HEY, LET'S NEVER HANG

OUT."

[LAUGHTER]

LET'S GET BACK TO MY DRAWING.

OKAY, BACK TO THIS SHOW.

I LIKE FRUIT BASKETS, BECAUSE

A FRUIT BASKET ENABLES YOU TO

MAIL SOMEBODY FRUIT WITHOUT

APPEARING INSANE.

[LAUGHTER]

IF YOU JUST MAIL SOMEBODY SOME

APPLES, THEY'RE LIKE "WHAT THE

HELL IS THIS?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BUT IF YOU PUT THOSE APPLES

IN A BASKET, THEY'RE LIKE,

"THIS IS NICE."

[APPLAUSE CONTINUES]

MY FAVORITE FRUIT IS GRAPES.

YEAH, GRAPES BECAUSE WITH

GRAPES, YOU ALWAYS GET ANOTHER

CHANCE.

YOU KNOW LIKE IF YOU HAVE A

CRAPPY APPLE OR A PEACH,

YOU'RE STUCK WITH THAT CRAPPY

PIECE OF FRUIT.

BUT IF YOU HAVE A CRAPPY

GRAPE, NO PROBLEM, JUST MOVE

ONTO THE NEXT.

GRAPES, THE FRUIT OF HOPE.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU ALWAYS HEAR ABOUT THE GUY

WHO WAS RAISED BY WOLVES.

BUT YOU NEVER HEAR ABOUT THE

NEXT GENERATION, THE GUY WHO WAS

RAISED BY THE GUY WHO WAS RAISED

BY WOLVES.

THAT'S PROBABLY EVEN HARDER.

YOU HAVE A NON-WOLF GIVING

WOLF TEACHINGS.

DAD, STOP SNIFFING MY ASS.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU'RE GOING TO MISS THE BUS.

I USE THIS PRODUCT CALLED

"I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S NOT

BUTTER," BECAUSE SOMETIMES WHEN

I'M HAVING TOAST, I LIKE TO BE

INCREDULOUS.

HOW WAS BREAKFAST?

UNBELIEVABLE.

[LAUGHTER]

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Demetri Martin: OH, THANKS.

YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES I HAVE JOKES

THAT I WANNA TELL, BUT I DON'T

FEEL LIKE THEY HAVE A RIGHT

ENVIRONMENT.

I DON'T WANNA SAY I WRITE

SOPHISTICATED MATERIAL, BUT I

FEEL LIKE THERE'S SOMETHING

ARTSY ABOUT SOME OF MY JOKES,

KIND OF UPPER CRUSTY MAYBE.

AND YOU KNOW SILENCE DOESN'T

DO 'EM JUSTICE.

I THINK THEY NEED THE RIGHT

ATMOSPHERE, SO I JUST WANTED

TO TRY TO TELL SOME OF THOSE

JOKES WITH THAT ATMOSPHERE,

WITH A LITTLE BIT MUSIC I PUT

TOGETHER FOR TONIGHT.

SO, LET'S SEE IF IT WORKS.

START HERE AND AH, GOOD LUCK.

[LAUGHTER]

♪ [BACKGROUND MUSIC PLAYS]

Demetri Martin: WHENEVER I

INVESTIGATE A SMELL, I FIND THAT

THE ANSWER IS ALWAYS BAD.

IT'S NEVER, "WHAT IS THAT?"

[SNIFFS]

"MUFFINS."

[LAUGHTER]

♪ [GUITAR PLAYS]

I GOT SOME NEW PAJAMAS

WITH POCKETS IN 'EM

WHICH IS GREAT,

BECAUSE BEFORE THAT,

I USED TO HAVE TO HOLD STUFF

WHEN I SLEPT.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT NOW I'M LIKE WHERE'S MY

PLANNER?

THERE IT IS.

KEEP SLEEPING.

ALL RIGHT, COOL.

PERFECT.

I LIKE FRISBEES.

A FRISBEE IS THE ONLY OBJECT

YOU CAN THROW AT A STRANGER

AND HIT HIM WITH IT,

AND IT'S OKAY.

I KEEP A LIGHTER IN MY

BACK POCKET ALL THE TIME.

I'M NOT A SMOKER I JUST

REALLY LIKE CERTAIN SONGS.

[LAUGHTER]

MY PLUMBING'S ALL SCREWED UP,

BECAUSE IT TURNS OUT I DO NOT

OWN A GARBAGE DISPOSAL.

[LAUGHTER]

I WONDER WHAT THE MOST

INTELLIGENT THING EVER SAID WAS

THAT STARTED WITH THE WORD

"DUDE."

"DUDE, THESE ARE ISOTOPES."

[LAUGHTER]

"DUDE, WE REMOVED YOUR KIDNEY,

YOU'RE GONNA BE FINE."

"DUDE, I AM SO STOKED TO WIN

THIS NOBEL PRIZE.

I JUST WANNA THANK KEVIN AND

TURTLE AND ALL MY HOMIES."

I WANNA MAKE A JIGSAW PUZZLE

THAT'S 40,000 PIECES, AND WHEN

YOU FINISH IT, IT SAYS, "GO

OUTSIDE."

[LAUGHTER]

I NOTICED THAT THERE ARE NO

B BATTERIES.

I THINK THAT'S TO AVOID

CONFUSION, 'CUZ IF THERE WERE,

YOU WOULDN'T KNOW WHEN SOMEONE

WAS STUTTERING.

"CAN I HELP YOU?"

"YES, I WOULD LIKE SOME

B BATTERIES."

[LAUGHTER]

"WHAT KIND?"

[APPLAUSE]

"B BATTERIES.

[APPLAUSE CONTINUES]

"WHAT KIND?

"B BATTERIES."

AND D BATTERIES,

THAT'S HARD FOR FOREIGNERS.

"YES, I WOULD LIKE D BATTERIES."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

ONE OF MY FRIENDS HAS A STUTTER,

AND YOU KNOW A LOT OF PEOPLE

THINK THAT'S A BAD THING.

BUT TO ME, THAT'S JUST LIKE

STARTING CERTAIN WORDS WITH

A DRUM ROLL.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S NOT AN IMPEDIMENT.

THAT'S SUSPENSE.

WHAT'S HE GOING TO SAY?

CAR?

OR CARNIVAL?

CARBURETOR.

EH.

SORT OF IS SUCH A HARMLESS

THING TO SAY, "SORT OF."

IT'S JUST A FILLER, SORT OF.

IT DOESN'T REALLY MEAN ANYTHING.

BUT AFTER CERTAIN THINGS,

SORT OF MEANS EVERYTHING.

LIKE AFTER I LOVE YOU.

[LAUGHTER]

OR YOU'RE GOING TO LIVE.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YOU KNOW, UM...

SOMETIMES AFTER SHOWS,

PEOPLE ASK ME HOW DO I COME UP

WITH MY JOKES.

WHERE DO I GET MY MATERIAL

FROM.

AND THAT'S A HARD QUESTION

TO ANSWER.

YOU KNOW IT'S A PROCESS.

I DON'T KNOW.

BUT I THOUGHT ABOUT IT, AND I

WANTED TO TRY TO ANSWER THAT

QUESTION TONIGHT, THE BEST

I COULD.

SO, HERE'S MY ATTEMPT.

SO, HERE WE GO.

♪ [GUITAR PLAYS]

SEE MY JOKES COME FROM A

MAGICAL PLACE.

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S LOCATED IN MY HEAD

A FOREST FULL OF CREATURES,

MANY OF THEM CREATED AT MY

LAST TEMP JOB.

THE FOREST STARTED TO GROW,

AND AS A CHILD, I DISCOVERED

THAT I SUCK AT SPORTS.

WELCOME.

♪ [FLUTE MUSIC PLAYS]

TO THE PLACE WHERE MY JOKES

COME FROM.

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S A MAGICAL SHIRE IN MY

SUBCONSCIOUS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THERE ARE MANY CREATURES

WHO ARE VERY HELPFUL.

THERE'S A DRAGON WHO IS VERY

ENCOURAGING.

HE FLIES AROUND AND TELLS ME

TO KEEP TRYING, EVEN IF I'M

NOT THAT FUNNY.

AND THERE ARE OTHER CHARACTERS

WHO ACTUALLY GIVE ME MY JOKES,

LIKE A WIZARD WHO MUCH LIKE ME

DROPPED OUT OF LAW SCHOOL

AND IN HIGH SCHOOL DID NOT

GET LAID.

WHEN YOU HAVE A FAT FRIEND--

WHEN YOU HAVE A FAT FRIEND,

THERE ARE NO SEESAWS,

ONLY CATAPULTS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THERE'S ALSO A BEAST, A BEAST

OF STRANGE DIMENSIONS.

HE HAS THE HEAD OF A HORSE

AND THEN THE BODY OF A MAN

WHO NEEDS A LOT OF ATTENTION.

HE REPRESENTS ME IN COLLEGE.

I WAS A DORKATORE.

[LAUGHTER]

I WAS IN A CARD STORE,

AND THEY HAD CARDS THAT SAID,

"GET WELL SOON."

[BLEEP] THAT.

GET WELL NOW.

THIS IS THE PLACE WHERE MY

JOKES COME FROM, WHERE MY

TEACHERS ARE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

♪ [FLUTE MUSIC PLAYING]

NESTLED IN A VERY SPECIAL

LITTLE CORNER OF THE FOREST

IS A DELICATE FAIRY WHO BRINGS

ME THE MOST BEAUTIFUL,

GENTLE JOKES AND DANCES WITH

THE GRACE--

[LAUGHTER

AND SHE THIS JUST SAY "DEMETRI

SUCKS."

HE IS A FAIRY.

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

AND DEEP-- DEEP IN THE FOREST,

DEEP IN THE DARKNESS OF THE

WOODS, THERE ARE TWO CREATURES

WHO ROAM WHO I KNOW VERY WELL,

MY MOM AND MY GRANDMA.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WELCOME TO THE FOREST AND NOW

THAT YOU GUYS ARE HERE,

I JUST WANTED TO SAY, "LOOK,

YOU KNOW, I DROPPED OUT OF

SCHOOL AND I'M NOT GOING BACK.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M NOT GOING TO BE A LAWYER.

I'M A PROFESSIONAL COMEDIAN.

YOU KNOW I'M FOLLOWING

MY HEART.

THIS IS MY DREAM."

AND YOU KNOW, ALSO I WAS JUST

WONDERING IF I COULD BORROW

20 BUCKS, JUST SO I COULD

GET HOME.

THANKS.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THIS IS THE PLACE WHERE

MY JOKES COME FROM.

THANK YOU FOR COMING TO WHERE

MY JOKES COME FROM.

♪♪

AND HAVE A GREAT NIGHT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU.

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY

COMEDY CENTRAL.

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