CC Presents: Carlos Mencia

  • 06/23/2002

Carlos Mencia knows that life is short, so have a good time and make fun of everyone while you can.

I MIGHT SUCK AND THEN YOU'RE

GOING TO BE LIKE, "I CAN'T

BELIEVE WE CHEERED FOR THIS

(BLEEP)."

(LAUGHTER)

HAVE A GOOD TIME ENJOY

YOURSELVES.

I WANT TO APOLOGIZE RIGHT

UP FRONT BY THE WAY.

I NORMALLY DON'T DO THIS

BUT I HAVE TO...

TO ALL THE PEOPLE THAT I AM

THOROUGHLY ABOUT TO OFFEND.

(LAUGHTER)

AND SOME OF YOU DON'T GET IT

RIGHT NOW.

AND YOU'LL GET IT IN ABOUT

TEN MINUTES WHEN ALL YOUR

FRIENDS ARE LAUGHING THEIR

ASSES OFF AND YOU'RE THERE

GOING, "HE SUCKS!"

(LAUGHTER)

TIMES ARE SENSITIVE MAN,

I'M NOT.

I BELIEVE IN FREEDOM OF SPEECH.

I BELIEVE WE'RE SUPPOSE TO HAVE

FUN.

YOU KNOW, DON'T HURT ANYBODY'S

FEELINGS THAT BUT IF THEIR

FEELINGS GET HURT,

ENJOY YOURSELF, MAN.

IT SUCKS!

(APPLAUSE)

YOU CAN'T HURT FEELINGS

IN AMERICA ANYMORE.

YOU NOTICE THAT?

NO, MAN, IF SEPTEMBER 11th

TAUGHT ME ANYTHING,

IT'S ENJOY YOUR LIFE.

IT'S SHORT AND IT COULD END

AT ANY MOMENT.

LIKE FOR HALLOWEEN, I HAD FUN.

I GAVE THE LITTLE KIDS POWDERED

DOUGHNUTS.

(SCATTERED LAUGHTER)

SEE, SOME OF YOU GET THOSE

JOKES.

SOME OF YOU WERE RIGHT THERE.

HIP-HAR.

SOME OF YOU, "WHAT IS

HE SPEAKING SPANISH?"

COME ON, PEOPLE!

I NEED YOU TO BE HERE FOR ME.

LISTEN.

(LAUGHTER)

I'M JUST SAYING, BE HUMAN, MAN.

YOU KNOW LIKE, THERE'S AN ASIAN

LADY RIGHT THERE.

I KNOW SHE'S ASIAN 'CAUSE

THAT'S WHAT WE HAVE TO CALL HER.

EVEN THOUGH, SHE COMES FROM

THE ORIENT.

DID I NAME IT THE ORIENT?

NO.

DID YOU NAME IT THE ORIENT?

NO.

THEY'RE THE ONES THAT COME OUT

ON COMMERCIALS AND SAY,

"COME, FLY TO THE ORIENT."

THAT'S WHAT THEY SAY.

BUT WHEN WE CALL THEM ORIENTAL,

"I AM NOT ORIENTAL!"

WELL, JESUS, SETTLE DOWN.

"ORIENTAL IS FOOD.

ORIENTAL IS RUG."

JESUS, I WAS CLOSE, MAN.

I GET PARTIAL CREDIT.

IT'S NOT LIKE I CALLED YOU

A BLACK MIDGET I WAS CLOSE.

(LAUGHTER)

ALL RIGHT.

HERE'S THE PART OF THE SHOW

WHERE PEOPLE GO WHY DO YOU GET

ANGRY?

I'LL TELL YOU WHY.

'CAUSE ALL YOU PEOPLE THAT

DIDN'T LAUGH YOU'RE HYPOCRITES,

THAT'S WHY.

YOU'RE SAYING THAT PEOPLE

OF THE SAME GENETIC POOL

DON'T LOOK ALIKE.

IF THAT'S THE CASE, BEING THAT

THERE'S NEGROID, MONGOLOID,

AND CAUCASOID, YOU WOULD SAY

THAT IF I BROUGHT TWO BLACK

PEOPLE UP HERE, YOU WOULD

BE ABLE TO DIFFERENTIATE WHICH

REGION OF AFRICA EACH OF THEM

HAILED FROM.

BASED ON THEIR MELANIN CONTENT

SKIN PIGMENTATION, CRANIAL

STRUCTURE, AND NASAL OPENING.

WOULD YOU?

OR WOULD YOU LOOK AT THEM

AND GO, "COME ON, THEY'RE FROM

BROOKLYN."

WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

SO, SHUT UP!

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

AND TRUST ME, IF ANYBODY KNOWS,

CARLOS KNOWS, 'CAUSE I WAS BORN

IN HONDURAS.

THAT'S WHERE I WAS BORN

BUT I LIVE IN CALIFORNIA.

WHERE NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY,

YOU'RE MEXICAN.

YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?

IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU SAY.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

SEE, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT

WHITE PEOPLE 'CAUSE WHEREVER

YOU GO, YOU'RE WHITE.

IF YOU'RE HERE YOU'RE WHITE.

IF YOU GO TO L.A. YOU'RE WHITE.

IF YOU GO TO DENVER YOU'RE

WHITE.

IF YOU GO TO MIAMI, YOU'RE STILL

WHITE.

I'M MEXICAN IN THE SOUTHWEST BUT

WHEN I GO TO MIAMI, I'M CUBAN.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?

WHAT HAPPENED?

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I'M JUST SAYING, HAVE FEELINGS.

THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING.

LISTEN, SEPTEMBER 11th HAPPENED

AND WE WERE ALL PISSED.

I'M NOT SAYING, YOU KNOW,

"DO CRAZY THINGS."

I'M JUST SAYING DO SOMETHING

WITH YOUR ANGER.

YOU GOT TO LET IT OUT.

AND WORDS ARE GOOD TO LET IT OUT

'CAUSE WORDS DON'T HURT.

SEE, WE'VE GONE TO THIS PLACE

WHERE WORDS HURT.

WORDS DON'T HURT.

JUST VENT.

THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING.

LIKE THERE'S MIDDLE-EASTERN

PEOPLE HERE, I DON'T HATE YOU.

I DON'T WANT PEOPLE TO BEAT YOU.

THAT'S WRONG.

THAT IS NOT COOL.

FOR PEOPLE TO PUT THEIR HANDS

OR BATONS OR ANYTHING ON YOU

BECAUSE YOU LOOK MIDDLE-EASTERN.

I DON'T WANT THAT.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

I JUST WANT TO BE AN AMERICAN

AND GIVE YOU A LOOK LIKE YOU

"MOTHER..." THAT'S ALL I WANT TO

DO.

JUST A LITTLE BIT.

JUST TO VENT.

I JUST WANT TO LOOK AT THEM

AND GO, "I KNOW YOU DIDN'T DO IT

BUT YOU KNOW WHO DID!"

"YOU KNOW!"

"YOU KNOW!"

THAT'S ALL.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

AND THEN I'LL GET IN HIS CAB.

IS THAT WRONG?

(LAUGHTER)

TAKE ME TO THE HOTEL I WAS JUST

VENTING.

(MIDDLE EASTERN ACCENT)

"I UNDERSTAND MY FRIEND

DON'T WORRY.

IT'S OKAY."

(LAUGHTER)

I FEEL BAD, MAN, I DO.

BUT ON THE OTHER HAND, THERE'S

PART OF ME THAT'S REALLY WEIRD

AND I'M NOT SAYING IT'S RIGHT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

MIDDLE-EASTERN PEOPLE,

YOU GUYS ARE UPSET, THAT'S COOL.

COMPLAIN TO WHITE PEOPLE THOUGH.

THEY'RE GOING TO EMPA--

SYMPATHIZE WITH YOU.

YEAH, NOT US THOUGH.

BLACKS AND BEANERS,

LEAVE US ALONE.

DON'T COME TO US CRYING.

WE'RE THE LAST PEOPLE YOU WANT

TO BRING THAT TO.

(MIDDLE EASTERN ACCENT)

"BUT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

THEY ARE LOOKING AT ME FUNNY

BECAUSE OF THE WAY I LOOK.

RACIAL PROFILING."

"WELCOME TO THE CLUB, AKMED."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

A GEOGRAPHICAL THING, LET'S GET

THAT OUT OF THE WAY RIGHT NOW.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

WE THINK ANYBODY CAN COME

TO AMERICA.

AS YOU CAN SEE, WE HAVE

EVERYBODY IN THIS COUNTRY.

SO, OBVIOUSLY, YOU CAN GET HERE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

SO, I'M SAYING, HEY DON'T CRY,

COME HERE.

THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING.

I DON'T FEEL SORRY FOR PEOPLE,

YOU KNOW, LIVING IN CRAPPY

PLACES.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I SEE PICTURES OF SOME PLACES

IN THE MIDDLE EAST.

WHERE IT'S ALL BROWN.

THERE'S NO WATER.

THERE'S NO VEGETATION.

EVEN THE CAMELS HAVE THIS LOOK

LIKE, "MAN, WE HAVE TO GET

THE HELL OUT OF HERE."

(LAUGHTER)

AND I SEE PEOPLE IN THE BACK

AND I'M THINKING.

COME ON.

MOVE, MAN.

MOVE!

BUT IT'S NOT--

SEE SOME ARE LIKE "THAT'S MEAN."

NO, NO, NO, NO.

IT DOESN'T MATTER WHERE YOU

COME FROM.

I DON'T FEEL SORRY FOR REDNECKS.

THEY GOT TO GET HIT BY TORNADOES

EVERY YEAR WHEN THEY LIVE IN

TORNADO ALLEY.

YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?

YOU'RE A JACKASS.

MOVE.

YOU CAN'T COME AND, "I GOT HIT

BY A TUR-NAY-DUR AGAIN."

WELL, OF COURSE YOU DID,

YOU LIVE IN TORNADO ALLEY!

IT'S TELLING YOU I'M COMING

RIGHT HERE.

(LAUGHTER)

DUMB ASS, MOVE.

I DON'T FEEL SORRY FOR YOU.

"WE GOT HIT BY A TUR-NAY-DUR."

WELL, MOVE, JACKASS.

IT'S NOT EVEN THAT DIFFICULT

FOR YOU TO MOVE.

YOUR HOUSE HAS WHEELS!

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

FOR EVERYBODY.

'CAUSE IT'S NEVER YOUR FAULT

IN AMERICA.

TRY IT'S NEVER MY FAULT.

REMEMBER WHEN WE HAD A DREAM

IN AMERICA?

IF YOU WORK HARD ENOUGH,

YOU CAN ACCOMPLISH.

REMEMBER THAT DREAM?

NOW IT'S ALL ABOUT,

"SOMEBODY TOOK MY JOB."

YOU NOTICE THAT?

IF THE BLACK PERSON CAN'T GET

A JOB, THE WHITE MAN TOOK IT.

IF A BEANER CAN'T GET A JOB,

THE WHITE MAN TOOK IT.

IF A MIDGET CAN'T GET A JOB,

THE TALL PEOPLE TOOK IT.

IF A FAT GUY CAN'T GET A JOB,

SKINNY PEOPLE TOOK IT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

IF A WOMAN CAN'T GET A JOB,

IT'S BECAUSE MEN WITH THEIR

EVIL PENISES OF DEATH TOOK IT.

(LAUGHTER)

AND IF YOU'RE A WHITE MALE

AND YOU DON'T GET A JOB,

HEY, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.

AFFIRMATIVE ACTION GAVE YOUR JOB

TO THE WOMAN, THEY GUY,

THE (BLEEP), THE MIDGET,

THE BLACK GUY, THE BEANER.

WHAT HAPPENED?

(APPLAUSE)

LISTEN, IF YOU HAVE A CRAPPY

JOB, IT'S YOUR FAULT.

I'M TIRED OF GOING TO TACO BELL

AND HAVING GUY'S LOOK AT ME

LIKE, "HOW COME I GOT TO WORK

AT T-T-TACO BELL?"

(LAUGHTER)

I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE IT HAD

SOMETHING TO DO WITH YOUR

RE-RE-REPORT CARD.

MAYBE THAT'S WHERE YOU SCREWED

UP.

MAYBE YOU'RE STUPID.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

YOU GOT STRAIGHT Ds.

WHAT DOES THAT SPELL?

DA-DA-DA-DA-DAAA.

THAT'S WHAT IT SPELLS!

DO YOUR JOB, JACKASS.

(LAUGHTER)

WHEN YOUR WOMAN DOESN'T ORGASM,

IT'S NOT HER FAULT.

IT'S YOUR FAULT.

"YOU DIDN'T MAKE ME REACH

CLIMAX."

THEY NEVER SAY, "NO,

I HAD THINGS ON MY MIND.

I WAS SOMEWHERE ELSE."

"NO, HE DIDN'T MAKE ME DO IT,

HE DIDN'T MAKE ME DO IT."

WHICH I FIND INTERESTING,

WHEN A WOMAN CAN'T CLIMAX,

IT'S OUR FAULT.

BUT WHEN WE CAN'T GET

AN ERECTION, WE GOT TO GO

TO THE DOCTOR.

(LAUGHTER)

WHOA, WHAT HAPPENED?

WHOA, WHOA, WHAT HAPPENED?

YOU CAN'T, YOU CAN'T--

SOME OF YOU GUYS DON'T GET IT

SO LET ME EXPLAIN IT TO YOU.

YOU'RE WOMAN CAN REACH ORGASM

REALLY QUICK.

SHE DOESN'T WANT TO WITH YOU.

AND IF YOU THINK I'M FULL OF

CRAP, ASK HER TO MASTURBATE

IN THE SHOWER ONE DAY AND WATCH.

ESPECIALLY IF YOU HAVE ONE OF

THOSE SHOWERS.

JUST ASK HER TO DO IT.

(LAUGHTER)

ASK HER.

IT WILL TAKE A MINUTE AND

SHE'LL BE LIKE, "OH, AHHH!"

YOU'LL BE LIKE, "WHAAA NOOOO!"

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

CARLOS MENCIA>> I DON'T

UNDERSTAND WHY ANYBODY WOULD

EVEN ATTACK US.

I DON'T EVEN GET IT.

WHY DO YOU THINK IRAN HELPED US

OUT AFTER SEPTEMBER 11th?

DO YOU THINK THEY LIKE US?

GO TO THE INTERNET AND SEE

THE THINGS THAT WERE WRITTEN

FROM IRANIAN PEOPLE ABOUT US

ON SEPTEMBER 10th.

YOU'LL SEE SOME HANES STUFF.

AMERICAN INFIDEL, DYING POOL

OF BLOOD.

ALL THAT CRAZINESS.

BUT THEN SEPTEMBER 11th

OCCURRED, AND OUR PRESIDENT

CAME OUT, AND HE SPOKE LIKE

CLINT EASTWOOD IN THE END OF

UNFORGIVEN.

(LAUGHTER)

REMEMBER UNFORGIVEN?

AT THE END OF IT WHEN HE WAS

LIKE, "IF ANYBODY SHOOTS AT ME,

I WILL SHOOT YOU, I WILL HUNT

YOU DOWN, I WILL KILL YOUR

FRIENDS I WILL BURN YOUR BARN

DOWN."

THAT'S THE WAY HE CAME OUT.

HE WAS LIKE "WE WILL FIND YOU.

THOSE WHO HELPED, THOSE WHO

ABAIDED, THOSE WHO LOOKED

AT YOU, THOSE WHO EVEN KNOW."

AS SOON AS HE SAID THAT,

WE GOT A PHONE CALL FROM IRAN.

"WHAT CAN WE DO TO HELP YOU,

MY FRIENDS?"

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

"WE WERE TALKING SMACK

YESTERDAY."

"YOU DIDN'T BELIEVE ANY OF THAT.

COME ON."

"WE TRIED TO TELL JOKE.

WE ARE NOT FUNNY PEOPLE.

WE APOLOGIZE."

(LAUGHTER)

DON'T YOU GET IT?

AMERICA HAS THE BEST OF

EVERY WORLD.

EVERY COUNTRY IS ALREADY HERE.

YOU DON'T--

DO YOU EVER HEAR OF ALIENS

GOING TO ANY OTHER COUNTRIES?

(LAUGHTER)

ALL THE BEST COME HERE.

THEY'RE HERE.

I CAN'T EVEN BELIEVE--

PEOPLE ARE LIKE "MAN I HOPE

WE CAN WIN SOME WARS."

DO YOU REALIZE THAT ONE DAY WE

WERE GOING TO GO TO AFGHANISTAN

AND THEN THE NEXT DAY, BOOM,

WE WERE ALREADY THERE.

HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?

HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?

"I DON'T KNOW HOW IT HAPPENED?

THEY DIDN'T EVEN LET US

CROSS THEIR BORDERS."

THAT'S 'CAUSE WE HAVE PEOPLE

IN THIS COUNTRY THAT KNOW HOW

TO CROSS BORDERS ILLEGALLY.

THAT'S US.

WE GO THE BEST.

WE'RE AWESOME.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

EVEN THE TALIBAN WAS LIKE

"WHERE IN THE HELL DID THEY GO?"

WE WERE BAD ASS.

THEY TURNED AROUND ALL THEIR

TANKS WERE UP ON BLOCKS.

"WHERE ARE MY TIRES?

WHERE DID MY TIRES GO?"

"CALL THE GENERAL ON THE RADIO.

THEY TOOK THE FREAKIN' RADIO."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

COME ON, FOLKS.

THIS IS AMERICA.

WE GOT PEOPLE THAT KNOW HOW TO

DO WHAT WE NEED IN OUR MILITARY.

A TANK IS MADE TO DRIVE.

AND SHOOT WITH A TURRET

THAT SPINS AT A 360 DEGREES.

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS?

IT'S DRIVE BY.

"WE GOT RAY-RAY IN THERE.

HELL, YEAH.

PO-PO-PO, POW-POW-POW.

USA, BROTHER, USA."

(LAUGHTER)

WE'RE CRAZY.

WE GOT CRAZY WHITE PEOPLE

THAT'LL DO--

OH, MY GOD, WE HAVE AN ARMY.

WE'VE GOT A BEANER THAT WILL

STAB YOU.

WE GOT A BLACK GUY THAT WILL

SHOOT YOU.

AND WE GOT A CRAZY WHITE GUY

THAT WILL EAT YOU.

THAT'S AND ARMY, LADIES AND

GENTLEMEN.

HE WILL EAT YOU.

"OH, YOU AIN'T TALKING NOW,

ARE YOU, BOY?"

"YOU AIN'T TALKING NOW,

ARE YOU, BOY?"

(LAUGHTER)

AND WE GOT THE ASIANS

IN RESERVES.

SETTLE DOWN, CROUCHING TIGER,

YOU'RE NEXT.

YOU'RE NEXT.

(LAUGHTER)

I GUARANTEE YOU.

AS SOON AS OSAMA BIN LADEN

WAS IMPLICATED IN PLOT,

I GUARANTEE YOU.

AS SOON AS THEY SAID ON CNN,

OSAMA BIN LADEN, HE GOT A PHONE

CALL FROM JAPAN.

(JAPANESE ACCENT) "YOU SCREW UP

BIG TIME."

"HOW CAN YOU BE SO STUPID?

YOU DON'T HAVE A HISTORY

CHANNEL?"

(LAUGHTER)

"YOU DON'T KNOW.

YOU DON'T KNOW.

OOH.

OH, NO.

OH, TRUST ME.

YOU DON'T KNOW."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

"WE USE TO THINK A JUST A LIKE

A YOU.

WE KICK THEIR ASS IN A PEARL

HARBOR.

WE DROP OVER THOUSAND BOMB.

WE COME BACK HOME, WE PARTY.

WHO DA MAN?

I DA MAN.

WHO DA MAN?

I DA MAN.

BUT WE NEARLY PISSED THEM OFF.

THEY COME TO US.

THEY DIDN'T DROP A TWENTY BOMB.

A THOUSAND BOMB.

YOU KNOW?

THEY DROP TWO BOMB.

JUST A TWO.

THE BOMB WAS SO BIG,

EVEN OUR PENIS GOT SMALLER."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

AND YOU SEE EVERYBODY GOT

PICKED ON EVERYBODY HAD

A FABULOUS TIME.

BUT NO, NO, THIS IS WHAT PEOPLE

ARE AFRAID OF.

US ENJOYING MAKING FUN OF

EACH OTHER.

LISTEN, LOOK AT ME WHITE PEOPLE

WHEN I SAY THIS.

(LAUGHTER)

DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY WHITE

PEOPLE HAVE DIED IN THE HISTORY

OF AMERICA SO THAT WE COULD HAVE

THE FUNDAMENTAL FREEDOM OF

SPEECH TO SAY WHAT WE FEEL?

SEE I WISH THAT YOU HAD

MY FREEDOM OF SPEECH.

I WISH THAT YOU KNEW WHAT IT WAS

LIKE TO REALLY HAVE FUN.

BUT SOME OF YOU DON'T AND YOU

THINK YOU DO.

PLEASE, TELL MY JOKES AT YOUR

JOB ON MONDAY.

(LAUGHTER)

WE GOT TOO FAR WITH THIS STUFF.

WE GO TOO FAR WITH POLITICAL

CORRECTNESS.

WE LISTEN TO HISPANIC PEOPLE

WHEN THEY COMPLAIN ABOUT

THE TACO BELL DOG INSTEAD OF

BEING GLAD THAT YOU KNOW THERE'S

SOMETHING ON TV.

THEY'RE LIKE, "HEY, MAN,

I DON'T LIKE THAT DOG.

IT REPRESENTS ME."

HOW RETARDED DO YOU HAVE TO BE

TO LOOK AT A DOG AND SAY,

"HEY, MAN, THAT'S ME!"

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

YOU THE MAN.

YOU THE MAN.

(APPLAUSE CONTINUES)

NO, IT'S OKAY.

SENSE OF HUMOR THAT'S FINE.

BUT WE STOPPED IT.

"NO, THAT'S NOT COOL."

'CAUSE INSTEAD OF UNITING

AMERICA WE WANT TO SEPARATE

EACH OTHER BECAUSE, YOU KNOW,

MEXICANS EAT TACOS AND

WHITE PEOPLE EAT BEEF STROGANOFF

AND BLACK PEOPLE EAT CHICKEN.

"THAT MAKES US DIFFERENT."

NO, THAT MAKES YOU HUNGRY.

THAT'S ALL IT MAKES YOU.

BUT WE'RE STUPID.

WE STOMP.

LET'S NOT STOMP.

LET'S MAKE THIS COUNTRY WHAT

IT REALLY IS.

I'M SAYING THOSE COMMERCIALS

WERE GREAT.

BUT WHERE'S THE BLACK DOG?

HOW COME THERE AIN'T NO

BLACK DOG?

WE NEED A ROTWEILER.

A GHETTO-ASS ROTWEILER

WITH A BULLET WOUND IN HIS ASS.

ALL SKINNY 'CAUSE YOU NEVER

FEED HIM DOG FOOD.

DOING COMMERCIALS FOR KENTUCKY

FRIED CHICKEN.

"WOOF, WOOF, BROTHER,

WOOF, WOOOOF!"

"HOOK YOURSELF UP WITH SOME

KFC?!"

SEE WHERE I'M GOING WITH THIS?

WE HAVE AN IRISH SETTER DOING

COMMERCIALS FOR IRISH SPRING

SOAP.

(IRISH ACCENT) "YOU EVER WALK UP

ON ANOTHER DOG, YOU SMELL

HIS ASS AND YOU'RE THINKING,

'MOTHER HOLY MARY OF JESUS'

DON'T YOU EVER WASH YOUR ASS

THERE, LADDIE?"

"WHEN A BITCH COMES UP TO SMELL

YOUR BALLS, YOU WANT HER TO GO

(SNIFF) OH, THOSE ARE LUCKY

CHARM FRESH, YES THEY ARE."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

"THAT'S RIGHT.

LICK A MY SHALAYLEE"

"IT'S MAGICALLY DELICIOUS."

(LAUGHTER)

CARLOS MENCIA>> LIVE LIFE, MAN.

LIFE ISN'T WHAT YOU THINK

IT'S SUPPOSE TO BE.

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO CARPE DIEM.

HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT BY THE WAY

EVEN THOUGH THE LATIN LANGUAGE

HASN'T SPOKEN IN HUNDREDS OF

YEARS?

YOU KNOW THAT YOU'RE NOT

SUPPOSED TO GO GENTLY INTO THAT

GOOD NIGHT.

"THAT BELL TOLLS FOR THEE."

WE KNOW THIS.

YET WE ALLOW OURSELVES

NOT TO LAUGH TO BE RETENTIVE

TO HOLD EVERYTHING IN

EVEN THOUGH WE HAVE THE FREEDOMS

THAT OTHER PEOPLE DON'T HAVE.

OUR WOMEN DON'T GET SHOT

IN THE HEAD WHEN THEY DON'T

BELIEVE ANYTHING.

OUR WOMEN WEAR MINI SKIRTS

THAT ARE LITERALLY THIS SHORT

AND WHEN THEY GO TO NIGHTCLUBS

THEY LOOK AT GUYS LIKE ME

AND GO, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU

LOOKING AT?!"

"YOUR VAGINA!"

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

SEE YOU GOT TO LAUGH WHILE

YOU CAN.

AND SEE HERE'S THE FUN PART.

PEOPLE AT HOME ARE LAUGHING

THEIR ASSES OFF.

LOVING IT BECAUSE WE WANT

TO PRETEND.

SEE AT HOME IT'S COOL.

60-80% OF THE PEOPLE THAT WATCH

DEF JAM WERE WHITE.

BUT WHEN YOU GO SEE DEF JAM

LIVE, YOU GO SEE THE KINGS

OF COMEDY, YOU WILL SEE ALMOST

NO WHITE PEOPLE THERE.

WHICH TRULY TELLS ME, YOU LOVE

LAUGHING AT THE BROTHER JOKES,

BUT YOU DON'T LOVE LAUGHING AT

BROTHER JOKES WHEN THE BROTHERS

CAN LOOK AT YOU LAUGH BECAUSE

YOU FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE.

SO WHEN YOU'RE AT HOME YOU LOVE

IT AND YOUR LIKE "HA-HA.

THOSE (BLEEP) ARE FUNNY.

HA-HA-HA."

BUT WHEN YOU'RE THERE YOU'RE

LIKE, "IT'S WRONG WHAT HE SAID.

IT'S WRONG"

AND YOU CAN'T DO THAT.

YOU GOT TO UNDERSTAND,

WHAT MAKES LIFE BEAUTIFUL,

IS THE ESSENCE OF THE FACT

THAT IT CAN GO AWAY.

SEE YOU DON'T WANT TO LIVE

LIKE THAT.

YOU DON'T WANT TO BE THE PERSON

DO YOU?

THAT HAD A FIGHT, AN

INCONSEQUENTIAL, INSIGNIFICANT,

STUPID FIGHT WITH YOUR SPOUSE

ABOUT WHO'S SUPPOSED TO OPEN

OR CLOSE OR TURN OFF THE LIGHT

AT THAT BEDTIME?

SO YOU DID IT.

BUT YOU WERE PISSED AND YOU

STAYED PISSED WITH YOUR WIFE.

NOT 'CAUSE IT WAS REAL BUT HELL

WE'LL MAKE UP LATER AND NOTHING

BETTER THAN MAKE UP SEX

IS THERE?

AND IN THE MORNING YOU WOKE UP,

AND THINGS WERE STILL BAD

BUT YOU KEPT THAT 'CAUSE, HEY,

I'M GOING TO COME BACK WE'RE

GOING TO DO IT.

AND THEN WHAT HAPPENED?

YOU WENT TO YOU'RE BUILDING.

AND YOU WERE SADLY ON THAT 90th

FLOOR.

AND THAT HAPPENED.

AND YOUR ASS IS NEVER GOING

TO GO BACK HOME AGAIN.

AND THE BEST YOU COULD DO IS

CALL YOUR WOMAN OR MAN AND SAY

I LOVE YOU AND YOU MISSED

THAT LAST NIGHT.

WHY?

BECAUSE YOU THOUGHT THAT

IT WOULD LAST FOREVER.

SEE EVERY COMEDY SHOW

YOU'VE EVER BEEN TO ENDS WITH

A BIG JOKE, 'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT

YOU NEED.

I END WITH A BIG JOKE YOU LAUGH,

I SAY GOOD NIGHT, AND THAT'S

HOW IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE.

BUT THAT AIN'T LIFE MY FRIENDS.

IF YOU LEARNED ANYTHING FROM ME

LEARN ONE THING, THAT SOMETIMES,

SOMETIMES...

ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR...

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

CAPTIONED BY

mCCaptioning Services.

Loading...