CC Presents: Jim Gaffigan

  • 07/11/2000

Jim Gaffigan says bottled water is a practical joke played on the world and Mexican food is a scam.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

IT IS GOOD TO BE HEREIN NEW YORK.

I LOVE THIS CITY.IT'S A GREAT CITY.

[applause]

I HAVE LIVED HERE TEN YEARS.

I AM ORIGINALLY FROM INDIANA.

AND I KNOW WHAT MOST OF YOUARE THINKING:

"INDIANA...MAFIA."

THE FACT OF THE MATTER IS,WHERE I GREW UP,

THERE WAS SOMETHING VERY SIMILARTO THE MAFIA: 4-H.

[laughter]

THERE'S A DIFFERENT KINDOF PRIDE WHERE I'M FROM.

IT'S NOT LIKE,

"WE'RE FROM NEW YORK.WE'RE TOUGH."

OR "WE'RE FROM TEXAS.WE LIKE THINGS BIG."

IT'S MORE LIKE, "WE'RE FROMINDIANA, AND WE'RE GONNA MOVE."

[laughter]

GET OUTTA HERE.

YEAH.

I LOVE THIS--I LOVE HOW NEW YORKIS SO MULTICULTURAL.

I WISH I WAS ETHNIC.I'M NOTHING.

'CAUSE IF YOU'RE HISPANICAND YOU GET ANGRY,

PEOPLE LIKE,"HE'S GOT A LATIN TEMPER."

BUT IF YOU'RE A WHITE GUYAND YOU GET ANGRY,

PEOPLE ARE LIKE,"THAT GUY'S A JERK.

"STAY AWAY FROM HIM.

HE'S A TURD."

ACTUALLY, THE REASONI LOOK LIKE THIS

IS BECAUSE MY FATHERWAS FROM SWEDEN,

AND MY MOTHER WAS ELTON JOHN.

[laughter and applause]

HE WAS A VERY GOOD MOMMY.

I FELL IN LOVE, LIKE,EVERY TEN MINUTES.

I'M SITTING ON THE SUBWAY,I'M LIKE,

"THERE'S MY WIFE.THERE SHE IS.

"OH, SHE'S GETTING OFF.

"ALL RIGHT,THERE'S THE WOMAN--

ALL RIGHT, THAT'S A MAN."

IT'S CONFUSING.

LIFE IS A LITTLE EASIERFOR ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE.

CAN WE ADMIT THAT?

THINK ABOUT IT.

IF A STRANGER SMILES AT YOUAND THEY'RE ATTRACTIVE,

YOU THINK,"OH, THEY'RE NICE."

BUT IF THE STRANGER'S UGLY,YOU'RE LIKE, "WHAT DO THEY WANT?

GET AWAY FROM ME, WEIRDO."

[applause]

SOME COUPLES HERE--ISN'T IT STRANGE

WHEN YOU'RE SINGLE,ALL YOU SEE ARE COUPLES?

AND THEN WHEN YOU'RE PARTOF A COUPLE,

ALL YOU SEE ARE HOOKERS.

THAT GUY'S--"THAT'S WRONG. THAT'S WRONG."

I AM SINGLE.I DON'T DRINK.

IT'S KIND OF HARDTO GET A WOMAN BUZZED

WHEN YOU DON'T DRINK.

YOU'LL BE LIKE, "YEAH,I'LL HAVE A GLASS OF WATER,

"AND YOU WANT A SHOT OF JAGER?

YOU WANT EIGHT OF 'EM?"

WHEN YOU DON'T DRINK,

PEOPLE ALWAYSNEED TO KNOW WHY TOO.

THEY'RE LIKE,"YOU DON'T DRINK? WHY?"

THIS NEVER HAPPENSWITH ANYTHING ELSE.

"YOU DON'T USE MAYONNAISE?WHY?

"ARE YOU ADDICTEDTO MAYONNAISE?

"IS IT OKAYIF I USE MAYONNAISE?

I COULD GO OUTSIDE."

[cheers and applause]

I TRY AND EAT HEALTHY.

I DRINK THE BOTTLED WATER.

IT MAKES YOU GO TO THE BATHROOMEVERY TEN SECONDS.

I FEEL KIND OF SILLYBUYING THE BOTTLED WATER.

MAYBE I'M TOO MIDWESTERN.

EVERY TIME I GO IN A STORE,I'M ALWAYS LIKE,

"HEY, HOW YOU DOING?

"I KNOW YOU CAN GET WATER FREEFROM ANY FAUCET,

"BUT I WANT TO PAY FOR IT.

"I'M JUST CURIOUS--

"DO YOU HAVE ANY AIRBACK THERE, OR--

CAN I BUY YOUR GARBAGE?"

IT IS WATER.

HOW DID WE GET TO THE POINT

WHERE WE'RE PAYINGFOR BOTTLED WATER?

THAT MUST'VE BEENSOME WEIRD MARKETING MEETING

OVER IN FRANCE.

SOME FRENCH GUYWAS SITTING THERE, HE'S LIKE,

"HOW DUMB DO I THINKTHE AMERICANS ARE?

I BET YOU WE COULDSELL THOSE IDIOTS WATER."

"PIERRE, THE AMERICANSARE PRETTY DUMB,

BUT THEY'RE NOTGONNA BUY WATER."

"OH, YES, THEY ARE.

LET'S JUST TELL THE AMERICANSTHE WATER'S FROM FRANCE."

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'RE LIKE ME--

WHEN THEY FIRST INTRODUCEDBOTTLED WATER,

I THOUGHT IT WAS SO FUNNY.

I WAS LIKE, "BOTTLED WATER!THEY'RE SELLING BOTTLED WATER.

"I GUESS I'LL TRY IT.

"AH, THIS IS GOOD.

"THIS IS MORE WATERYTHAN WATER.

YEAH, THIS HAS GOTA WATER KICK TO IT."

I WAS LOOKINGAT A BOTTLE OF WATER.

THEY HAVE NUTRITIONAL FACTSPRINTED ON THE SIDE.

YOU KNOW, I'M NO CHEMIST,

BUT I HAVE A ROUGH IDEAOF WHAT'S IN WATER.

KIND OF EXPECT TO TURNTHE BOTTLE AND SEE A RECIPE.

"THAT'S HOW YOU MAKE ICE CUBES.

"APPARENTLY, YOU JUST FREEZETHIS STUFF.

"OH, BUT YOU NEED A TRAY.

THAT'S HOW THEY GET YA."

MY FAVORITE FOODIS MEXICAN FOOD.

I USED TO BE A WAITER INA MEXICAN RESTAURANT IN INDIANA.

AND THAT'S WHERE YOU GOFOR MEXICAN.

MEXICAN FOOD'S GREAT,

BUT IT'S ESSENTIALLYALL THE SAME INGREDIENTS.

SO YOU'D ALWAYS HAVE THE--

AS A WAITER, YOU'D HAVE TO DEALWITH THESE STUPID QUESTIONS.

PEOPLE ARE LIKE,"WHAT IS NACHOS?"

"NACHOS?

IT'S A TORTILLA WITH CHEESE,MEAT, OR VEGETABLES."

"OH, WELL,THEN WHAT IS A BURRITO?"

"TORTILLA WITH CHEESE, MEAT,OR VEGETABLES."

"THEN WHAT IS A TOSTATA?"

"TORTILLA WITH CHEESE, MEAT,OR VEGETABLES."

"THEN WHAT IS--"

"LOOK, IT'S ALL THE SAME.

"WHY DON'T YOU SAYA SPANISH WORD,

AND I'LL BRING YOU SOMETHING?"

MEXICAN FOOD IS GREAT,BUT IT IS ALL THE SAME.

IT'S ALMOST A CONSPIRACY.

IT'S ALMOST LIKETHEY HAD A MEETING

200 YEARS AGO IN MEXICO CITY,AND ONE GUY STOOD UP, HE'S LIKE,

"THE REASON I GOT EVERYONE HEREIS PRETTY SIMPLE.

I FIGURE WE COULD RENAMETHIS ONE ENTREE SEVEN TIMES

AND SELL ITTO THE NORTH AMERICANS.

THE FRENCH SAID IT WOULD BEA GOOD IDEA.

I TRUST PEOPLE WITH GLASSES,DON'T YOU?

IT'S LIKE, "WELL, ASK HIM;HE'S GOT GLASSES."

BUT IF YOU'RE WEARINGYOUR GLASSES LIKE THIS,

"GET AWAY FROM 'EM."

DID YOU EVER TAKE DIRECTIONS

FROM SOMEONEWHO LOOKS LIKE THIS?

[laughter]

"WHERE YOU GOTTA GO?"

"44th STREET."

"WELL, WHY DON'T WE TAKEMY SPACESHIP?

I HAVE TO PICK UP SANTA CLAUSANYWAY."

THE ONLY ADVANTAGEOF WEARING GLASSES

IS YOU CAN DOTHAT DRAMATIC REMOVAL.

YOU EVER SEE THAT?

"MY GOD.

"HOLY MOTHER OF GOD.

"I CAN'T SEE A THING.

"I AM ABSOLUTELY BLINDWITHOUT THESE.

IT'S PROBABLY WHY I WEAR 'EM."

YOU EVER NOTICE WHEN PEOPLEARE THINKING IN MOVIES,

THEY'RE ALWAYS CHEWINGON THE END OF THEIR GLASSES?

"IF WE GIVE THE ALIEN A COLD--"

YOU KNOW WHATTHEY'RE REALLY THINKING?

"THIS TASTES LIKE WAX.

DISGUSTING."

YEAH, I LIKE LIVING HEREIN NEW YORK,

BUT IT DEFINITELY CHANGES YOU.

IT'LL MAKE PEOPLE IMPATIENT.

HAVE YOU EVER HAD SOMEBODYNOT ASK FOR DIRECTIONS

BUT DEMAND THEM?

YOU'RE JUST WALKING DOWNTHE STREET AND YOU HEAR A HORN.

SOME GUY'S LIKE,"HOLLAND TUNNEL."

YOU KNOW, LIKE YOU WERE SUPPOSEDTO FAX THIS GUY DIRECTIONS.

SUDDENLY YOU'REWASTING HIS TIME.

"LET'S GO, BUDDY.HOLLAND TUNNEL."

[applause]

NEW YORK HAS MADE MESO PARANOID TOO.

WHENEVER I VISIT ANOTHER CITY,I ALWAYS ACT LIKE I'M FROM THERE

SO THE CAB DRIVERDOESN'T RIP ME OFF.

I'M ALWAYS LIKE,

"YEAH, IT'S GOODTO BE BACK HOME,

"BACK HERE WHERE I GREW UP.

"YEAH, HERE IN TOKYO.

"EVERYTHING LOOKS FAMILIAR'CAUSE I GREW UP HERE.

"OH, WHERE DO I NEED TO GO?

"UH, DRIVER, I NEED TO GOTO MY OLD STOMPING GROUNDS.

"THAT WOULD BE THE HOLIDAY INN,

"AND THE ADDRESSAPPEARS TO BE THE POUND SIGN,

SO STEP ON IT."

WHENEVER I'M OUT OF TOWNFOR AT LEAST A WEEK,

I FEEL LIKE I SHOULD WRITEA POSTCARD OR SOMETHING.

BUT YOU COULD BE A GENIUS--YOU TRY AND WRITE A POSTCARD,

YOU COME ACROSSLIKE A MORON ANYWAY.

"THIS CITY'S GOT BIG BUILDINGS.I LIKE FOOD. BYE."

YOU EVER GET A POSTCARD?

YOU'RE SO EXCITED,YOU DON'T EVEN READ IT.

"HEY, I GOT A P--WHO CARES?"

THAT'S WHY WHEN I SENDA POSTCARD, I QUIZ PEOPLE.

"HEY, DID YOU GET THAT POST--"

"YEAH, YEAH, YEAH."

"WHAT'D I SAY?"

"YOU WERE HAVING--"

"I WAS IN JAIL."

WHY DO YOU EVEN HAVE TO BE OUTOF TOWN TO WRITE A POSTCARD?

I WANT TO WRITE A POSTCARDTO MY NEIGHBOR.

JUST BE LIKE,"I STILL LIVE NEAR YOU."

GUY SEES ME GO IN MY APARTMENT,FLIPS THE CARD OVER.

IT'S JUST A PICTUREOF ME HOLDING A RIFLE.

I'M TOO LAZY TO DOALL THOSE THINGS.

YOU EVER FIND YOURSELFBEING LAZY FOR NO REASON AT ALL?

LIKE, YOU PICK UP YOUR MAIL.

YOU GO IN YOUR HOUSE.

YOU REALIZE YOU HAVE A LETTERFOR A NEIGHBOR.

YOU EVER JUST LOOKAT THE LETTER AND GO,

"MMM, LOOKS LIKETHEY'RE NEVER GETTING THIS.

TAKE TOO MUCH ENERGYTO GO BACK OUTSIDE."

I MIGHT, LIKE,STICK IT ON A BUREAU.

"I'M GONNA GET THATTO THEM LATER ON.

"RIGHT NOW I'VE GOT TO WATCHSOME LOVE CONNECTION.

THEY'VE GOT SOME NEW HOSTON THERE."

YOU EVER HAVE ONE THINGTO DO ALL DAY,

BUT YOU JUST CAN'T GET YOURSELFTO DO IT?

"I GOT TO GO TO THE POST OFFICE,

"BUT I'D PROBABLYHAVE TO PUT ON PANTS.

"THEY'RE ONLY OPENTILL 5:00.

"I'M GONNA HAVE TO DO THATNEXT WEEK.

HAVE A LITTLE MORE FREE TIME."

I NEVER HAVE FREE TIME.I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU.

WHENEVER I GO TO THE--

YOU EVER GO TO THE CASH MACHINE,

THERE'S TWO PEOPLE IN LINEIN FRONT OF YOU.

YOU GET KIND OF FLUSTERED.

YOU'RE LIKE,"FORGET IT.

"I'M NOT STANDING HEREFOR 40 SECONDS.

I GOT THINGS TO DO, OKAY?"

SOMETIMES BEING LAZY CANGET YOU IN TROUBLE, YOU KNOW.

LIKE, YOU EVER NOT TAKE A SHOWERALL WEEKEND?

JUST LOUNGE AROUND.

THEN YOU'RE RUNNING LATEFOR WORK ON MONDAY.

"OH, NO."

SO THERE'S ONE PERSON AT WORK,

"SOMETHING SMELLS LIKE SMOKEIN HERE."

"UH, I WENT TO A BARBECUEON FRIDAY NIGHT.

"I ONLY HAD 48 HOURSTO TAKE A SHOWER.

KIND OF BUSY."

YOU CAN'T FIND IT,SO YOU JUST DECIDE,

"OH, IT LOOKS LIKEI'M NOT WATCHING TV.

"NOT GONNA TAKE TWO STEPSAND TURN IT ON MYSELF.

"I'LL GO TO THE GYMIF I'M GOING TO WORK OUT.

FORGET THAT."

YOU EVER HAVE THE TV ONAND YOU CAN'T FIND THE REMOTE?

GOTTA WATCHTHAT ONE CHANNEL.

FEEL LIKE YOU'RE IN PRISON.

"I GOTTA WATCH THIS.

I FEEL LIKE I'M READING--THIS IS WORK."

I WATCH A LOT OF TV.I DRINK A LOT OF COFFEE TOO.

BUT YOU KNOWWHAT'S REALLY ADDICTIVE?

HEROIN.

THAT'LL GRAB YOUBY THE HORN.

WHAT HORN?

MY FAVORITE CHANNELIS THE LIFETIME CHANNEL

BECAUSE LIFETIMEIS TELEVISION FOR WOMEN.

"LIFETIME:TELEVISION FOR WOMEN."

YET FOR SOME REASON,

THERE'S ALWAYS A WOMANGETTING BEATEN ON THAT NETWORK.

"IN A LIFETIME ORIGINAL,MEREDITH BAXTER BIRNEY

GETS BEATEN WITH A ROD--IN A LIFETIME ORIGINAL ROD."

I WAS WATCHING ANIMAL PLANET.

DO YOU KNOW THATTHE MALE SEA HORSE HAS THE BABY?

AND I WAS THINKING,

"WHY DON'T THEY JUST CALL THATTHE FEMALE SEA HORSE?"

YOU KNOW IT'S JUST SOMESTUBBORN SCIENTIST, YOU KNOW.

"YEAH, THAT ONE THEREIS A MALE SEA HORSE."

"BILL, THAT ONE'SHAVING A BABY."

"MALE HAS THE BABY.YOU'RE FIRED."

MY FAVORITE ANIMALIS THE MANATEE--THE SEA COW.

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN THAT ANIMAL?

THE MANATEE IS ENDANGERED,

AND I THINKIT'S BECAUSE IT'S OUT OF SHAPE.

IT LOOKS LIKEA RETIRED FOOTBALL PLAYER.

YOU EVER SEE ITON THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL?

IT'S ALWAYS FLOATING AROUNDLIKE,

"I'M BLOATED.TOO MUCH PIZZA."

AND THE MANATEEIS ALSO CALLED THE SEA COW.

I MEAN, THAT KIND OF SOUNDSLIKE AN INSULT.

IT'S AS IF THE MANATEEWAS INTRODUCED TO THE OCEAN,

THE OTHER ANIMALS WERE LIKE,"WHO'S THE NEW GUY?"

AND THE MANATEE'S LIKE,

"OH, HI, EVERYONE.YOU CAN CALL ME THE MANATEE."

"YEAH, RIGHT,SEA COW."

"MY NAME'S MANATEE,FELLAS."

"SEA COW.FAT ASS."

DOESN'T THE MANATEEKIND OF LOOK LIKE A GUEST

ON THE RICKY LAKE SHOW?

MANATEE WOULD BE LIKE,

"RICKY, I'M HEREBECAUSE I'M ENDANGERED."

THEN ONE OF THOSE MEAN PEOPLEIN THE AUDIENCE

WOULD OFFER UP THE ADVICE--

"YEAH, I WANT TO SAY SOMETHINGTO THE SEA PIG."

"THAT'S SEA COW."

"WHATEVER.

SEA PIG, YOU GOT TO GET YOURSELFAN EDUCATION AND A JOB."

"I LIVE IN THE OCEAN."

"IT JUST SO HAPPENSYOU LIVE IN THE OCEAN

'CAUSE YOU AIN'T GOT NO JOB."

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE--"

"YOU GOTTA GETIN WEIGHT WATCHERS,

SOME KIND OF PROGRAM."

"I HAVE A LAYER OF BLUBBER

TO KEEP MY BODY WARMIN THE WATER."

"WHATEVER.TALK TO MY HAND."

[laughter and applause]

I, UH--YOU EVER RENT A MOVIETHAT WAS RELEASED AWHILE AGO

AND YOU ENJOY IT,

BUT THERE'S KIND OFTHAT AWKWARDNESS

'CAUSE YOU CAN'T TALK ABOUT ITWITH ANYONE?

YOU'RE LIKE,"HEY, I JUST SAW HEAT."

"HEAT?I SAW THAT SIX YEARS AGO."

"I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT NOW."

"NO, LOSER."

YOU EVER TALK ABOUT A MOVIEWITH SOMEONE THAT READ THE BOOK?

THEY'RE ALWAYSSO CONDESCENDING.

"AH, THE BOOK WAS MUCH BETTERTHAN THE MOVIE."

"WHAT I ENJOYED ABOUT THE MOVIE:NO READING.

[laughter]

IT ONLY TOOK TWO HOURSAND THEN I COULD TAKE A NAP."

I'M TOO LAZY.

YOU EVER READ AN ARTICLE,

AND AT THE BOTTOM, IT SAYS,"CONTINUED ON PAGE SIX"?

I'M LIKE,"NOT FOR ME. I'M DONE.

WHY DON'T YOU STOPBOSSING ME AROUND?"

THEN I FINALLY GETTO PAGE SIX.

I CAN'T EVEN REMEMBERWHAT I WAS READING.

YOU EVER READ THE ENDINGTO A DIFFERENT ARTICLE?

"AL GORE IS RUNNINGFROM A WATERFALL?"

YOU EVER READ A BOOKTHAT CHANGED YOUR LIFE?

ME NEITHER.

I DON'T HAVETHE ATTENTION SPAN.

EVERY NOW AND THEN,I'LL READ A BOOK.

I'LL BE SO PROUD OF MYSELF.

I'LL TRY AND SQUEEZE ITINTO CONVERSATION.

PEOPLE ARE LIKE,"HEY, JIM, HOW YOU DOING?"

"I READ A BOOK.250 PAGES."

"THAT'S GREAT.WHAT WAS IT ABOUT?"

"NO IDEA.TOOK ME TWO YEARS."

YOU EVER BUY A BOOKAND NOT READ IT?

YOU FEEL ALMOST GUILTY HAVING ITON A BOOKSHELF, DON'T YOU?

PEOPLE ARE LIKE,"HEY, HOW WAS THAT BOOK?"

"I HAVEN'T READ IT."

"DID YOU JUST BUY IT?"

"I'VE HAD IT SINCE HIGH SCHOOL."

"WELL, CAN I BORROW IT?"

"NO."

NINE PARENTS.

ANYONE ELSE--

I'M ACTUALLY ONE OF SIX KIDS,CATHOLIC.

YOU EVER NOTICE PEOPLEFROM BIG CATHOLIC FAMILIES--

THEY ALWAYS THROW THAT"CATHOLIC" AFTER THE NUMBER.

"SIX KIDS, CATHOLIC.SIX KIDS, CATHOLIC."

LIKE, IF YOU DIDN'T HEARTHE CATHOLIC PART, YOU THINK,

"SIX KIDS--HIS MOTHER REALLY LIKES SEX.

OH, SHE WAS CATHOLIC.OKAY."

I'M THE YOUNGEST TOO.

AND WHEN YOU'RE THE YOUNGESTOF A BIG FAMILY,

PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS LIKE,

"YOU'RE THE BABY.YOU'RE SPOILED."

WHEN YOU'RE THE YOUNGESTOF A BIG FAMILY,

BY THE TIME YOU'RE A TEENAGER,YOUR PARENTS ARE INSANE.

YOU'RE LIKE,"HEY, I'M GOING ROLLERSKATING."

"YOU'RE NOT GOING ROLLERSKATING.

"YOU'LL END UP PREGNANTLIKE YOUR SISTER.

WHY DON'T YOU SMOKE POTAND BECOME A LAWYER?"

PARENTS GET BURNED OUTIN BIG FAMILIES.

YOU COULD EVEN SEE ITIN THE NAMING OF CHILDREN.

IT'S ALWAYS LIKE THE FIRST KID,"YOU WERE NAMED AFTER GRANDMA."

THE SEVENTH KID,

"YOU WERE NAMEDAFTER A SANDWICH I HAD.

"I LOVE THAT.

NOW, GET YOUR BROTHER REUBEN."

[laughter]

ANYBODY A GYM TEACHER HERE?

YOU THINK WHEN GYM TEACHERSARE YOUNGER THEY'RE THINKING,

"I WANT TO TEACH,BUT I DON'T WANT TO READ.

HOW ABOUT KICKBALLFOR 40 YEARS?"

I CAN'T BELIEVEWE GOT GRADES IN GYM CLASS.

I'VE NEVER USED ANYTHINGI LEARNED IN THERE.

I'VE NEVER BEEN,

"I'M STANDING IN FRONT OFA ROOM FULL OF STRANGERS--

"BASED ON WHATI'VE LEARNED IN GYM CLASS,

"I WILL THROW A RED BALLAT A FAT GUY.

THAT'S NO GOOD."

ANYONE POPE HERE?

POPE NEVER GOES OUT.

WOULDN'T IT HAVE BEEN WEIRD

TO GO TO HIGH SCHOOLWITH THE POPE?

YOU KNOW, SOMEBODY DID.

SOMEBODY'S SITTING AT HOMEWATCHING TV IN POLAND.

THEY SEE THE POPE, THEY THINK,"THAT GUY WAS A JERK.

"HE WAS SO MEAN TO ME,AND NOW HE'S POPE?

I GOT A SWIRLYFROM THE POPE."

I THINK IT'D BE GREATIF YOU HAD A KID

THAT ENDED UP BEING POPE.

THAT WOULD BETHE ULTIMATE BRAGGING RIGHTS.

"OH, YOUR SON'S A DOCTOR?

"YEAH, OURS IS POPE.HE DOES OKAY.

"OH, THEY HAVE A HOUSE?

HE HAS HIS OWN CITY.IT'S IN EUROPE."

DO YOU THINK WHEN THE POPEWAS A LITTLE KID

HE FANTASIZED ABOUTEVENTUALLY BECOMING POPE?

YOU KNOW, LIKE WE MIGHT ABOUTBEING A PROFESSIONAL ATHLETE?

WAS HE, LIKE, EIGHT YEARS OLDIN HIS BACKYARD GOING,

"THERE HE IS, THE LEADEROF ALL THE CATHOLICS!

"WHAT A POPE!THE BEST POPE EVER!

[laughter]

THE PROTESTANTS ARE FRIGHTENEDOF THIS NEW POPE."

I WAS RAISED CATHOLIC.

MY DAD--MY DAD USED TO ALWAYSVOLUNTEER ME

FOR THE READING IN CHURCH.

I'D BE, LIKE, SIX YEARS OLD.

HE'D BE LIKE,"YOU'LL BE DOING THE READING."

I'D BE LIKE,"CHRIST!"

NEVER HAVE MY GLASSES,SO I WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO READ.

I'D BE LIKE, "UH, A LETTERFROM PETER TO THE APOSTAGE--

"POST--SOMEBODY KILL ME!

I'D RATHER GO TO HELLTHAN READ UP HERE."

CHURCH--YOU'RE READINGFROM THE BIBLE.

IT'S NOT LIKEYOU CAN MAKE SOMETHING UP.

YOU COULDN'T GET THE FIRST LINEAND THEN AD-LIB.

"LETTER FROM PETERTO THE APOSTLES.

"DEAR APOSTLES, HOW WAS YOUR WEEKEND?

"SURE IS HOT HERE.

"TELL JESUS, HEY."

THIS IS THE WORD OF THE LORD."

THAT IS ALL FOR ME.THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

[applause]

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