CC Presents: Iliza Shlesinger

  • Season 14, Ep 18
  • 01/11/2010

THAT IS THE LADY CHEER.

"WHOO!"

SOUNDS LIKE MOREOF A MATING CALL AT THIS POINT.

"WHOO!"IT'S THE GIRL CHEER.

IT'S WHAT GIRLS DOTO LET YOU KNOW

WE'RE HERE, WE'RE READY TO GO.

YOU HAVING FUN?[ SHRIEKS ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

HAPPY TO BE HERE?[ SHRIEKS ]

WHERE'D YOU GO TO SCHOOL?

[ Squeaky voice ]USC, HOME OF THE TROJANS.

WHOO!

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ Normal voice ]IT'S LIKE,

"MA'AM,THIS IS A JOB INTERVIEW.

WHY DON'T YOUPUT YOUR SHIRT DOWN?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

I'M SO EXCITED.

I LOVE NEW YORK CITY.I LOVE BEING HERE.

AND I LOVE THAT IT'SCOLD HERE -- THAT, TOO.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

OH, AND...

CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR YANKEES.

GOOD FOR YOU, GUYS.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

I LOVE THAT IT'S COLD HERE.I LOVE -- I LOVE SEASON CHANGES.

ONE OF MY BIGGEST PET PEEVES,THOUGH,

IS PEOPLE WHO ACT LIKE,

BECAUSE THEY'RE FROMSOMEWHERE COLD,

THAT THEY DON'T GET COLD.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I WAS IN NEW YORKLAST CHRISTMAS.

IT'S SNOWING.THERE'S A GUY IN A T-SHIRT.

I'M LIKE,"DUDE, AREN'T YOU COLD?"

[ New York accent ]"NO, I'M FROM NEW YORK.I DON'T GET COLD."

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ Normal voice ] JUST 'CAUSEYOU'RE FROM A COLD PLACE

DOESN'T MEAN YOU'RE GENETICALLYPREDISPOSED TO NOT FEELING COLD.

YOU'RE NOT A PENGUIN.

I WAS LIKE, "IN FACT, SIR,YOU'RE PUERTO RICAN,

SO, IF ANYTHING,YOU SHOULD BE MORE COLD."

[ LAUGHTER ]

I LIKE LOOKING AT PEOPLE WITHTATTOOS AND JUST ASKING...

"Why?"

PEOPLE GET, LIKE,THE WEIRDEST ONES.

I SAW A WOMAN AT THE FAIR,ALL RIGHT?

SHE WAS...A HANDSOME WOMAN.

WE'LL LEAVE IT AT THAT.

SHE WAS -- SHE WAS A BIGGER --

SHE MUST'VE BEEN LIKEA LINEBACKER IN MIDDLE SCHOOL.

I SAY MIDDLE SCHOOL

'CAUSE THERE'S NO WAYSHE WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL.

THIS WOMAN...

[ LAUGHTER ]

...SHE HAD ANGEL WINGS,LITTLE ONES,

AND I DON'T KNOW IF THEY STARTEDOUT NORMAL AND SHE GOT BIGGER

OR IF THEY WERE MEANTTO BE LITTLE -- I DON'T KNOW.

IT HAPPENS WITH TATTOOS.

SHE HAD LITTLE ANGEL WINGSTATTOOED RIGHT HERE

ON HER SHOULDER BLADES, OKAY?

AND I'VE SEEN THIS TATTOOON A LOT OF GIRLS.

AND WHENEVER I SEE, LIKE,A BIG WOMAN WITH ANGEL WINGS,

IT'S KIND OF LIKELOOKING AT A PENGUIN.

[ LAUGHTER ]

'CAUSE I'M SITTING THERE STARINGAT HER, BAFFLED, JUST LIKE,

"HOW ARE THOSE LITTLE WINGSGONNA LIFT THAT BIG BODY?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ APPLAUSE ]

GUESS YOU'RE STAYING HERE.

GUYS LIKE TO GETTHE BARBED WIRE.

WHAT DOES THAT SAY?

[ Deep voice ] "I'M BARBED WIRE.I'M A BADASS."

[ Normal voice ]WHY JUST ON THE ONE ARM?

IS THAT WARNING MEABOUT THE DANGERS OF THAT ARM?

[ Deep voice ]"I WARNED YOU.

"I COULD BE AT A BUS STOP.THIS ARM'S FINE.

"THIS ONE COULD -- PFFT! --GET YOU IN THE TOOTH.

"WE DON'T KNOW.

DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'LL DO.YOU'VE BEEN WARNED."

[ Normal voice ]THIS GUY HAD BARBED WIRE HERE,

BUT IT DIDN'T COMPLETEON THE INSIDE.

WHAT THAT SAYS TO ME IS,

"I'M A BADASS IF YOU'RE LOOKINGBUT NOT IF IT'S OWIE."

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

I THINK THERE ARECERTAIN RULES IN LIFE

THAT WE BLINDLY FOLLOWAND NEVER QUESTION.

I WAS GETTING DRESSED THE OTHERDAY, AND I ASKED MY FRIEND --

I SAID, "WHAT DO YOU THINKOF THIS OUTFIT?"

AND HER RESPONSE WAS, "WHY DOYOU CARE WHAT PEOPLE THINK?"

AND MY RESPONSE WAS,"I'M SORRY,

WHY DON'T YOU CAREWHAT PEOPLE THINK?"

IT'S THE MOST IMPORTANT THINGIN THE WORLD.

NEXT TO BRUSHING YOUR TEETH,

IT'S PROBABLY THE MOST IMPORTANTTHING IN THE WORLD.

I WOULD TAKETHESE THREE PEOPLE LIKING ME

OVER FREE HEALTH INSURANCEIN A HEARTBEAT.

WHAT'S THE POINTOF LIVING A LONG TIME

IF PEOPLE THINKYOU'RE AN [BLEEP]

NO POINT.

YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED THE LASTTIME A GROUP OF PEOPLE SAID,

"SCREW IT,WE DON'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK"?

THEY GOT HUNG AS WITCHES.

[ LAUGHTER ]

ANOTHER ONE -- AND THIS ISTHE MOST IMPORTANT RULE.

IF I SAY ANYTHING YOU'RE GONNALISTEN TO TONIGHT,

THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT ONE.

YOU CAN TAKE THIS WITH YOUTHIS EVENING.

NEVER LAUGH AT YOURSIGNIFICANT OTHER...

...WHEN THEY'REHAVING AN ORGASM.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THAT IS THEIR TIME TO SHINE.

LET THEM HAVE THAT.

I'VE COME UP WITH A COUPLEOF MINOR PHYSICAL INDICATORS

THAT YOU CAN LOOK FOR IN PEOPLE

THAT WILL TELL YOU, "OH,THIS PERSON'S A CRAZY PERSON."

A COUPLE OF PHYSICAL THINGS YOUCAN LOOK FOR THAT WILL TELL YOU,

"OH, MAYBE I SHOULD AVOIDTHIS PERSON

DURING THE HOLIDAY SEASON."

OKAY?

SO, FIRST ONE -- THE NEXT TIMEYOU SMILE AT SOMEONE

AND THEY SMILE BACK AT YOU,

LOOK AND SEEIF THEY'RE MISSING...

THIS TOOTH.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THOSE OF YOU NOT LAUGHINGARE MISSING THIS TOOTH.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I'LL TELL YOUWHAT'S WRONG WITH IT.

WHEN YOU'RE MISSING YOUR TWOFRONT TEETH, THAT'S HONESTY.

THAT IS A DOORTO YOUR ORAL HISTORY.

YOU'RE NOT COVERING ANYTHING UP.

YOU'RE SAYING, "HEY, WORLD,I'M MISSING MY FRONT TEETH.

"I'M GROSS, I'M DIRTY, I'M POOR.

"I CLEARLY HAVE NO PROBLEM

"WITH PUBLIC URINATIONAND EATING GARBAGE.

DON'T COME NEAR ME.I'LL GUM YOU TO DEATH."

BLAH, BLAH!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

RIGHT?

YOU CAN GO BACK TO EATINGYOUR CAT SANDWICH --

WHATEVER YOU'RE DOING.

WHEN YOU HAVE YOUR FRONT TEETH

BUT YOU'RE MISSINGTHE CREEPY SIDE TOOTH...

THAT'S A LITTLE DIFFERENT,

'CAUSE WHAT THAT SAYSTO THE WORLD IS...

"OH, I HAVE MY FRONT TEETH."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"SO, AT SOME POINT IN MY LIFE,

"I HAD THE MENTAL AWARENESSAND DENTAL PROWESS...

"TO TAKE CARE OF MY FRONT TEETH,

"MY 'WORK TEETH'...

"MY 'SHOWING TEETH'...

"MY CHURCH TEETH.

"BUT SOMEWHERE ALONG THE LINE,

"I LOST MY [BLEEP] MARBLES,AND I REASONED, 'YOU KNOW WHAT?

"'I DON'T THINKI NEED THIS TOOTH.

"'I'LL LET IT FALL OUT ANDMAKE EATING A LOT MORE BREEZY.

"'MAYBE PUT A PIECE OF CORNUP IN THERE.

"'MAYBE I GOT A NEW YELLOWTOOTH. I DON'T NEED ANY TEETH.

"'I'LL SPEND MY DENTIST MONEY

"ON A SCRATCH-OFF TICKETAND SOME BEEF JERKY.'

MAH!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ APPLAUSE ]

SAME KIND OF WOMENTHAT ARE MISSING THAT TOOTH

ARE THE SAME KIND OF WOMENTHAT GROW THEIR HAIR TOO LONG.

[ LAUGHTER ]

JUST BE CAREFUL, OKAY?

LOOKING AROUND, I SEE A LOTOF VERY HYGIENIC LENGTHS.

THAT'S GOOD. YOU ALL LOOKVERY CLEAN, VERY NICE.

GIRLS, GROW YOUR HAIR LONG.THAT'S FINE.

MEN LOVE IT WHEN WOMENHAVE LONG HAIR, RIGHT?

MEN LOVE IT WHEN WOMENLOOK LIKE WHAT?

HORSES -- EXACTLY.GROW YOUR HAIR LONG.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT, LADIES, JUST KNOW THAT WHENYOU GROW YOUR HAIR TOO LONG,

YOU GOT ABOUT2 INCHES' DIFFERENCE

BETWEEN REALLY HOT,SEXY SUPERMODEL...

RELIGIOUS FANATIC.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ APPLAUSE ]

HOT MAXIM COVER GIRL

THAT EVERYBODYWANTS TO MOUTH-KISS...

UNHEALTHY FAITH IN YOUR LORD.

[ LAUGHTER ]

SOFT, SILKY, SHINY HAIREVERYONE WANTS TO TOUCH...

ONE OF 12 BRIDES.

SO...

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

I'M JUST SAYINGKEEP YOUR HAIR TRIMMED

SO THAT PEOPLE DON'T THINKYOU LIVE ON A COMPOUND

AND MAKE YOUR OWN SHOES.

THAT'S ALL I'M SAYINGIS DO THAT.

I LIKE TO STAY INAND LISTEN TO MUSIC.

I LOVE RAP MUSIC.

I LOVE HIP-HOP.I LOVE RAP.

SPECIFICALLY, I LIKE THE RADIO.

I LIKE TO LISTEN RAPON THE RADIO.

I GET WEIRDED OUT WHEN PEOPLEDON'T LIKE THE RADIO,

LIKE, "NO, IT'S TOO COMMERCIAL,TOO CORPORATE.

"I ONLY LISTENTO MY OWN HOMEMADE MIX TAPES

OF MORRISSEYAND RAINFOREST NOISES."

PBHT!

[ LAUGHTER ]

LOVE THE RADIO, LOVE HIP-HOP,LOVE THE RADIO AND HIP-HOP.

I CANNOT STANDHIP-HOP-STATION DEEJAYS.

I THINK THEY ARE SOMEOF THE MOST IRRITATING PEOPLE

ON THE PLANET, OKAY?

THEY ARE INCAPABLEOF SAYING ANYTHING TO YOU

IN ANY VOICE OTHER THAN A YELL.

IT DOESN'T MATTERIF THE COMMERCIAL

IS FOR A CAR DEALERSHIP,A WEIGHT-LOSS CENTER,

A CARPET-CLEANING PLACE,IT SOUNDS LIKE THIS.

"HEY! HEY!

"Y'ALL [BLEEP] TO GETYOUR WEIGHT LOSS ON!

Y'ALL WANT TO TAKE YOUR WEIGHTLOSS TO THE NEXT LEVEL?!"

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

"Y'ALL WANT TO TAKE YOURWEIGHT LOSS TO THE NEXT LEVEL,

"GET YOURSELF DOWNTO THE CALIFORNIA HEALTH CLINIC

"ON THE REAL, YO!

"HEY, BEING OVERWEIGHT,THAT CAN LEAD TO DIABETES,

"HEART FAILURE,YO, EVEN SUDDEN DEATH,

AND Y'ALL DON'T WANT TOGO OUT LIKE THAT!"

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

"GO OUT LIKE THAT"?

THAT'S KIND OF A CAVALIER WAYTO TALK ABOUT DYING,

DON'T YOU THINK,D.J...CASH MONEY?

THAT'S THE WAY YOU TALKABOUT BASKET--

"OH, I GOT SHUT OUTIN BASKETBALL 85-0 --

DIDN'T WANT TOGO OUT LIKE THAT."

FINE.

"OH, I WENT TO JAIL 'CAUSE I HADONE BEER OPEN IN MY CAR

WHILE I WAS DRIVING -- DIDN'TWANT TO GO OUT LIKE THAT."

OKAY.

BUT DYINGFROM MAJOR HEART COMPLICATIONS

DUE TO EARLY ONSET DIABETES,

YOU'LL PARDON ME IF I DON'TWANT TO TAKE MY MEDICAL ADVICE

FROM SOME DEEJAYTHAT JUST GOT DONE

JUDGING A THICK-LEG CONTEST

WHILE WEARING A BEDAZZLEDBARACK OBAMA SHIRT -- PASS.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

GOING OUT, ALSOYOU'VE GOT TO DRESS UP

IF YOU'RE GONNA GO OUT --

TEDIOUS, POINTLESS.

GUYS, NEXT TIME YOU SEE A GIRLIN A PAIR OF HEELS,

ASK HER HOW TALL SHE IS.

SHE WILL GIVE YOU TWO NUMBERS.

SHE WILL GIVE YOU HER HEIGHT...

[ Squeaky voice ]AND HER HEEL HEIGHT.

[ Normal voice ]"HOW TALL ARE YOU?"

[ Squeaky voice ]"I'M 5'6". I'M 5'9" IN HEELS."

[ Normal voice ]GIRLS, DON'T DO THAT.

NO ONE'S INTERESTEDIN HOW TALL YOU CAN BE.

WE'RE NOT PICKINGFOR BASKETBALL TEAMS.

IT DOESN'T MATTER.

THEY'RE JUST TRYINGTO TALK TO YOU.

AFTER THAT INITIAL HEIGHT,

IT'S JUST MINDLESS STATEMENTSAFTER THAT.

5'6", 5'9" IN HEELS -- GREAT.

I CAN GO 5 MILES AN HOUR,80 IN A CAR.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

MEN ARE HUNTERS.WOMEN ARE GATHERERS.

THESE ARE YOUR SOCIETAL ROLESAS DICTATED BY NATURE.

MEN ARE HUNTERS.WOMEN ARE GATHERERS.

EXCEPT FOR WHEN IT COMESTO SHOPPING.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND THEN WOMEN ARE HUNTERS.

BUT WE ARE THE ONLY CREATURES

THAT WILL RATIONALIZE A KILLAFTER WE MAKE IT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

A LION RUNS DOWN A TURKEY,EATS IT, DOESN'T THINKTWICE ABOUT IT,

ALTHOUGH WHY A LION ANDA TURKEY ARE ON THE SAMETERRAIN, I DON'T KNOW.

THIS IS A -- WOULDN'T MATTER.

NO WOMAN'S EVER JUSTSWIPED A CREDIT CARD

AND BEEN LIKE [EXHALES SHARPLY]

[ Squeaky voice ]"SUPER CONFIDENT WITH MYSELFAND THAT CHOICE.

I'M JUST GONNA GO."

[ Normal voice ]NO! THERE...

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

LADIES...

THERE IS A FULL-ON DEBATEBETWEEN THAT GIRL

AND WHATEVER POOR SOULSHE DRAGGED WITH HER THAT DAY

TO THE MALL.

IT'S LIKE [EXHALES SHARPLY]

[ Squeaky voice ]"WAS THAT A GOOD IDEA?"

"THOSE SHOES ARE SUPER CUTE.""DO YOU LIKE THEM?"

"I REALLY LIKE THEM.""ARE YOU SURE YOU LIKE THEM?"

[ Normal voice ]"JUST GET THE [BLEEP] SHOES!

"WE'VE BEEN HEREFOR FIVE [BLEEP] HOURS!

I WANT TO GO HOME TO MY FAMILY!"

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

GUYS DON'T DO THAT.IT'S NOT LIKE...

[ Deep voice ]"I WENT BEAR HUNTING LAST WEEK.

"I KILLED A BEAR.

BUT I DON'T KNOWHOW I FEEL ABOUT IT."

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ Normal voice ] HIS FRIENDDOESN'T SWOOP IN LIKE,

"YOU KNOW WHYIT'S GOOD YOU WENT?

YOU GOT TO SPENDSOME TIME OUTDOORS."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"YOU GOT TO HANG OUTWITH YOUR DAD."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"NOW YOU HAVE A BEAR."

[ LAUGHTER ]

I HAVE A GIFT FORTHE GIRLS IN THE AUDIENCE.

I THINK SOMETIMES, AS WOMEN,

WE FEEL THAT THERE ARE A LOT OFSOCIETAL PRESSURES ON US, RIGHT?

THERE'S A LOT OF THINGS TO DO,A LOT OF THINGS TO CONSIDER.

FROM THE SECOND YOU WAKE UP,AS A GIRL,

THE SECOND YOU WAKE UPIN THE MORNING,

YOUR MIND IS INUNDATEDWITH A BILLION QUESTIONS

ON HOW TO PROCEED WITH YOUR DAY.

YOU OPEN YOUR EYES,AND IT'S, "OH, MY GOD.

"AM I FAT? AM I THIN?SHOULD I WORK OUT?

"SHOULD I HAVE BREAKFAST?SHOULD I SKIP BREAKFAST?

"SHOULD I GO TO LUNCH?SHOULD I CALL MY MOM?

"SHOULD I CALL MY DAD?SHOULD I MySpace?

"SHOULD I FACEBOOK?SHOULD I TWITTER?

"SHOULD I DO YOGA?SHOULD I DO PILATES?

"SHOULD I GET A FRIEND?SHOULD I GET A BOYFRIEND?

"SHOULD I GET A GIRLFRIEND?SHOULD I GET A DOG?

"SHOULD I GET A CAT?SHOULD I GET 12 CATS?

SHOULD I CALL MY FRIENDS?WHAT SHOULD I DO? OH, MY GOD."

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

SO MANY QUESTIONS.

WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT

IF I COULD ANSWER ONEOF THOSE QUESTIONS DEFINITIVELY

AND YOU'D HAVETHAT GEM OF KNOWLEDGE?

ANSWERONE OF THESE QUESTIONS,

YOU COULD PLAN THE RESTOF YOUR LIFE AROUND THAT TRUTH.

ALL RIGHT?SO I FIGURED OUT THE ANSWER.

I FIGURED OUT THE WAY TO ANSWERA VERY DIFFICULT QUESTION.

I FIGURED OUT A WAY TO TELLWHETHER YOU'RE HOT OR NOT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

EMPIRICALLY.SO HERE'S WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO.

THE NEXT TIME YOU'RE OUTWHEREVER YOU GO TO MEET BOYS --

ALL RIGHT? -- A BAR, A CLUB,

LITTLE CAESARS,WHATEVER YOU LIKE TO DO...

AND YOU SEE A GUYTHAT YOU THINK IS HOT,

GO UP TO HIM

AND PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE.

IF YOU'RE HOT, HE'LL BE LIKE,

"THAT WAS REALLY CUTE.WHY'D YOU PUNCH ME?

"IT WAS SO ADORABLE.THAT DIDN'T HURT.

"COME BACK.LET ME SHOW YOU HOW TO PUNCH.

"DON'T PUT YOUR THUMB IN --YOU'RE GONNA BREAK IT.

"COME HERE.LET ME SHOW YOU.

"COME HERE.WHERE YOU GOING?

"DON'T RUN AWAY.COME HERE. COME HERE.

"LET ME CUP YOUR BOOBUNCOMFORTABLY

WHILE I SHOW YOU THIS."

IF YOU'RE UGLY, BOOM,HE'S KNOCKING YOU OUT

'CAUSE NO GUY'S GONNA TAKE THATFROM AN UGLY CHICK.

THAT'S YOUR BAROMETER.

[ APPLAUSE ]

LADIES, LADIES...

YOU MIGHT LOSE A TOOTH.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT WHEN YOU COME OUTOF THAT COMA,

YOU'LL KNOW.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

LET ME ASK YOU FOLKS A QUESTION.

YOU EVER CATCH A TABLE CORNERIN THE CROTCH

WHEN YOU'RE WALKING TOO FAST?

IT HAPPENS.YOU CAN'T PREDICT IT.

IT'S LIKE A SNAKE IN THE GRASS.IT JUST -- "YAH!"

NABS YA.

I ALWAYS WEARA PLASTIC INSERT HERE

SO AS TO DEFLECTONCOMING TABLE CORNERS.

IT'S A HORRIBLE PAIN.

YOU GUYS WALKINTO A RESTAURANT --

YOU GUYS WALK INTO A RESTAURANT,YOU SEE TABLES.

I SEE A MINEFIELD.

'CAUSE IT COMES OUT OF NOWHERE.YOU'RE JUST WALKING.

[ Squeaky voice ]"THIS IS SO MUCH FUN.

"I THINK WE SHOULD GETTHE PUDDING.

"UGH!

I'M OKAY."

[ GAGS ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ Normal voice ] THERE ARETWO WAYS TO RECOVER...

FROM GETTING NAILED IN THECROTCH WITH A TABLE CORNER.

THAT'S WHY I'M HERE TONIGHT --TO SHARE THIS WITH YOU.

THE FIRST IS A PICK-AND-ROLL.

[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]

THAT'S WHERE YOU JUST

TAKE THAT TABLE CORNERLIKE A [BLEEP] CHAMP.

[ LAUGHTER ]

DON'T LET IT AFFECT YOU.

THIS LEG STAYS PLANTED.YOU CAN PIVOT AROUND IT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ LAUGHS ]

BUT DO NOT LIFT THIS LEG,OR ELSE IT'S TRAVELING.

YOU'RE GONNA GET A TECHNICAL.

I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT IT WOULDLOOK LIKE, ALL RIGHT?

[ Squeaky voice ]"THIS IS SO MUCH FUN.

"I THINK I'M JUST GONNAGET THE CHEESE.

"I DON'T WANT ANY CARBS.I'M GONNA WEAR A BATHING SUIT.

NO CARBS. I'M OKAY."

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ Normal voice ]STICK THE LANDING.

NOW, BEAR IN MIND, YOUR DATEJUST SAW YOU EAT CRAP,

SO YOU BETTER, LIKE,EXPLAIN THAT ONE.

[ Squeaky voice] "WHAT?I DIDN'T FALL.

"I WAS TWIRLING.

I SAW CHEESECAKE.I TWIRLED. GET ME A DIET SODA!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ Normal voice ]THERE'S NO GRACEFUL WAYTO GET UP FROM THAT.

THAT'S IT.

OR YOU CAN JUST DO WHAT I DID.

MY DATE TOLD METHAT I LOOKED LIKE A DINOSAUR

GETTING HIT WITH A ROCK...

WHEN I GOT NAILED IN THE CROTCHWITH A TABLE CORNER.

WE WERE OUT ON OUR DATE --OUR LAST DATE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I WAS PROBABLY MAKING GOOGLYEYES AT THE WAITER OR SOMETHING.

[ Squeaky voice ]"THIS IS SO FUN.

"I'M NOT GONNA HAVE ANYTHING.I'M JUST GETTING WATER.

"I'LL DRINK LATER --HAVE A MARGARITA.

EEE!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ SCREECHES ]

[ SCREECHES ]

[ APPLAUSE ]

[ SCREECHES ]

[ Normal voice ] THAT WAS MEEATING A LOW-FLYING PTERODACTYL.

[ LAUGHTER ]

ONCE YOU'VE FALLEN ON A DATE,

THERE'S PRETTY MUCH NOWHERETO GO FROM HERE BUT DOWN.

IT'S A SHARP PAIN, TOO,

SO YOUR VOMIT COMES UP TO HEREIN YOUR THROAT.

GET THAT INVOLUNTARYTRAIL OF TEARS --

NOT A NATIVE-AMERICAN REFERENCE.

THAT'S JUST WHAT HAPPENS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

WITH A VERY SPECIFICSEXUAL POSITION.

I'M GONNA ASK YOU A QUESTION.

WHAT IS THE NAMEOF THE SEXUAL POSITION

WHERE THE FEMALEIS BENT OVER FACING OUT

AND THE MALE IS BEHIND HER?

DOGGY STYLE.DOGGY STYLE.DOGGY STYLE.

VERY GOOD, NEW YORK.

AND I DID THAT JOKEIN TENNESSEE,

AND THE GUY'S ANSWER WAS,"UH, MANDATORY."

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND WHILE HE'S NOT INCORRECT,IT'S NOT PART OF THE JOKE.

SO HERE'S MY PROBLEM WITH IT.

CALLING IT "DOGGY STYLE"

MAKES IT SOUND LIKE ONLY DOGSENJOY THIS POSITION,

AND THAT'S NOT TRUE.

ALL ANIMALS HAVE SEXIN THIS FASHION.

[ LIGHT APPLAUSE ]I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW --ALL ANIMALS HAVE SEX

WITH THE FEMALEBENT OVER FACING OUT.

WHO'S CLAPPING FOR THAT?[ LAUGHTER ]

ALL ANIMALS HAVE SEX WITHTHE FEMALE BENT OVER FACING OUT

AND THE MALE BEHIND HER.

HUMAN BEINGSARE THE ONLY CREATURES

THAT MAKE LOVEFACING ONE ANOTHER, OKAY?

ALL ANIMALS HAVE SEX THAT WAY.THINK ABOUT IT.

YOU'VE NEVER SEEN TWO GOATS,EYES LOCKED, LIKE...

[ BLEATS ]

[ LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE ]

[ BLEATS ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

NEVER SEEN TWO COWSIN THEIR LITTLE COW BED,

LOOKING AT EACH OTHER,HAVING SEX LIKE...

[ MOOS ]

MOO. LOVE YOU.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ LAUGHS ]

IT'S GROSS.

FOR THE GUY,FROM THE DATA I'VE COLLECTED,

IT SEEMS THAT IT'S EASIERFOR HIM, OKAY?

SO FOR THE GIRL --

PRETEND THERE'S SOME SEXGOING ON UP HERE, OKAY?

THE GIRL,SHE'S BENT OVER TEXTING,

WHATEVER WE DO DURING SEX.

"L.O.L."ALL RIGHT? SHE'S BACK HERE.

THE GUY -- IT'S --YOU'VE GOT STABILITY.

THIS IS AN EASY POSITION.

THE GIRL'S DOWN HEREIN A RIGHT ANGLE,

WHICH IS ONLY COMFORTABLEFOR...SQUARES.

I DON'T KNOW.

[ LAUGHTER ]

IT'S EASIER, RIGHT?

AS THE GUY,YOU'VE GOT YOUR STABILITY.

YOU'VE GOTYOUR CENTER OF GRAVITY.

YOU'VE GOT YOUR MIRRORS SET UP,EVEN THOUGH I ASKED YOU NOT TO.

[ LAUGHTER ]

RIGHT?

FOR THE GIRL,

NEVER MIND THE PHYSICAL STRESS

THAT COMES ALONGWITH THIS POSITION.

A LOT OF CORE WORK,RIGHT, LADIES?

VERY ENGAGED, ALL MUSCLES TIGHT.

THANK GOD YOU TOOKTHOSE PILATES CLASSES

HE GAVE YOU FOR CHRISTMAS,RIGHT?

DOESN'T COMPARETO THE MENTAL STRESS

OF HAVING TO WATCH YOURSELFGET VIOLATED

IN THIS FUN HOUSE OF MIRRORSHE'S GOT SET UP.

'CAUSE HERE'S THE DEAL,NEW YORK --

I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE BIG, FAT,THIN, SMALL, OLD, YOUNG.

IT DOES NOT MATTER.

WHEN YOU ARE PARALLEL TO THEGRAVITATIONAL PULL OF THE EARTH,

GRAVITY COMES INTO PLAY.

THEY LOOK LIKE UDDERS.

[ LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE ]

HE'S BACK THERE.HE'S LIKE, "SAY MY NAME."

YOU'RE LIKE...

[ MOOS ]

YOU GUYS ARE FANTASTIC.THANK YOU SO MUCH.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

Loading...