The Colbert Report

America Doesn't Torture

Season 1 • 11/08/2005

The president says that America doesn't do anything illegal.

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03:32

The Word - Hoser
The Colbert ReportS1

After Canada picked up The Colbert Report, Stephen began to rethink his ill feelings towards the country that was once put on notice.
11/07/2005
03:46

ThreatDown - Pirates
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Stephen warns us about pirates, Canadian optometrists, professional musicians, mixing romance with NASCAR, and of course, bears.
11/07/2005
00:41

Yet Another Day - Flesh-Eating Virus
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Tomorrow morning on "Yet Another Day," Christina tells you how to avoid contracting a flesh-eating virus.
11/08/2005
01:28

Intercepted Satellite Feed
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Bloggers intercepted satellite feed of Stephen's interview with Bradley Whitford and posted the footage on the Internet.
11/08/2005
03:25

Tip/Wag - Convicted Murderers
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Prisons holding murderers should step up their level of security to, say, that of a local bar.
11/08/2005
02:21

The Word - T.O.
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The Philadelphia Eagles are suspending Terrell Owens for the rest of the season. But they've forgotten something: Terrell is a very good football player.
11/08/2005
00:08

Fract - Franagram: American Patriot
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"American Patriot" anagrams to "I am an erotic part."
11/08/2005
01:48

Wilford Brimley Calls - Cocoon
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Wilford Brimley doesn't understand why Stephen isn't using the cocoon he sent as a set decoration.
11/08/2005
00:31

Intro - 11/8/05
The Colbert ReportS1

On the agenda: Terrell Owens, torture, Christmas tradition and Court TV's Catherine Crier.
11/08/2005
07:20

Catherine Crier
The Colbert ReportS1

To get into the news business, Catherine Crier said, "Boys, I've got a camera in the living room. You wanna come over and make a tape?"
11/08/2005
01:13

America Doesn't Torture
The Colbert ReportS1

The president says that America doesn't do anything illegal. Torture is illegal. Ergo -- and that's Latin for "bite me" -- we do not torture.
11/08/2005
00:27

Intro - 11/9/05
The Colbert ReportS1

Arnold Schwarzenegger's propositions are turned down at the ballot box, and Stephen looks forward to talking with author Mary Roach.
11/09/2005
05:50

Mary Roach
The Colbert ReportS1

Stephen and author Mary Roach contact a spirit from the past in the studio.
11/09/2005
05:14

Better Know a District - Florida's 7th - John Mica
The Colbert ReportS1

Congressman John Mica stands for his district with the tenacity of an alligator that shows up in your garage after a hurricane.
11/09/2005
03:47

The Word - Willy Loman
The Colbert ReportS1

Mr. Schwarzenegger, get back to what you do best: jamming Arnold into people's holes.
11/09/2005
02:18

Next Question
The Colbert ReportS1

At the recent White House press briefings it looks like Scott McClellan is about to crap his pants or burst into tears.
11/09/2005
02:18

All You Need to Know - Kansas Education
The Colbert ReportS1

The Kansas Board of Education approves the teaching of intelligent design in the classroom.
11/09/2005
05:43

Cokie Roberts
The Colbert ReportS1

Cokie Roberts recalls an old Washington, where people could disagree without being disagreeable.
11/10/2005
00:34

Intro - 11/10/05
The Colbert ReportS1

Congress hard at work, the re-branding of Veteran's Day and Cokie Roberts -- all on tonight's show.
11/10/2005
03:30

The DaColbert Code - Samuel Alito
The Colbert ReportS1

Stephen uses The DaColbert Code to pierce the veil of secrecy and solve modern-day mysteries.
11/10/2005
02:56

The In-Box - Asian Stereotypes
The Colbert ReportS1

In an attempt to apologize for accidentally perpetuating an Asian stereotype, Stephen shares some of The Report's airtime with its sister station in Osaka.
11/10/2005
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