The Colbert Report

Keep Your Friends Close

Season 5 • 02/05/2009

Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.

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00:32

Intro - 2/4/09
The Colbert ReportS5

Pope Benedict reinstates a Holocaust-denying bishop. Frankly, Stephen is skeptical of the evidence that he actually reinstated him.
02/04/2009
00:09

Tell Your Friends
The Colbert ReportS5

If you didn't like what you saw, Stephen will tell your enemies.
02/04/2009
03:01

Stephen Verbally Thrashes Steve Martin
The Colbert ReportS5

Stephen explodes after Steve Martin walks through his eyeline.
02/04/2009
04:33

Yahweh or No Way - The Super Bowl
The Colbert ReportS5

God helping both teams in a football game would be as impossible as loving both Christians and Muslims.
02/04/2009
00:31

Intro - 2/5/09
The Colbert ReportS5

What's in the stimulus package? Stephen's guessing high-fructose corn syrup because that stuff is in everything.
02/05/2009
02:40

Stelephant Colbert the Elephant Seal
The Colbert ReportS5

Stephen has a hideous elephant seal named after him.
02/05/2009
02:03

Alpha Dog of the Week - Boy Scouts of America
The Colbert ReportS5

The Boy Scouts of America proudly raise the Scout sign and tell their own conservation code to read between the lines.
02/05/2009
07:03

Jonah Lehrer
The Colbert ReportS5

Jonah Lehrer talks about finding a balance between the rational and the emotional in decision-making.
02/05/2009
02:39

Economic Stimulus Bill - James Surowiecki
The Colbert ReportS5

James Surowiecki says the Democrats are using the financial crisis to push through programs that are in the long-term interest of Americans.
02/05/2009
04:38

Economic Stimulus Debate
The Colbert ReportS5

Democrats take a page from the Republicans' fear book when selling the economic stimulus bill.
02/05/2009
00:13

Keep Your Friends Close
The Colbert ReportS5

You can keep your enemies closer by hating yourself.
02/05/2009
00:30

Intro - 2/9/09
The Colbert ReportS5

A married lesbian couple files for divorce and moves into separate Subaru Outbacks, and someone won a Grammy.
02/09/2009
02:43

The New Word Czar
The Colbert ReportS5

Michael Steele navigates the subtleties of our language as he talks about the stimulus bill.
02/09/2009
04:01

Al Gore Steals Stephen's Grammy
The Colbert ReportS5

Since Stephen's voice isn't worth a Grammy, he's going to stop talking forever.
02/09/2009
05:45

ThreatDown - Gay Divorce
The Colbert ReportS5

A lesbian couple files for divorce on the grounds of irreconcilable sameness, and the Japanese poop gold.
02/09/2009
06:02

Shout Out - Honey, Counterterrorism & an Old Guard Flag
The Colbert ReportS5

Stephen gets a fresh stash of pharmaceutical-grade hive jive and learns of a Counterterrorism Calendar.
02/10/2009
01:55

The Visa Black Card
The Colbert ReportS5

Visa: it's everywhere you want to be, unless that place is a Jimmy Buffett concert.
02/10/2009
05:12

The Word - Loyal Opposition
The Colbert ReportS5

The best way for Republicans to win back the trust of the people is to copy the strategy of our enemies.
02/10/2009
00:14

You Look Like Stephen
The Colbert ReportS5

You look like Stephen, if he were on a curvy, glassy thing.
02/10/2009
00:31

Intro - 2/10/09
The Colbert ReportS5

Tough times for the Republican Party -- this sounds like a job for tax cuts.
02/10/2009
05:42

Robert Ballard
The Colbert ReportS5

Robert Ballard explains why ocean exploration is a good investment.
02/10/2009
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