The Colbert Report

The Word - Why Are You Here?

Season 5 • 06/08/2009

The Iraq war won't be over until someone with a lot of balls declares victory.

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00:35

Intro - 6/4/09
The Colbert ReportS5

Wikipedia takes on the Church of Scientology, and the latest on abstinence-only education will be worth the wait.
06/04/2009
04:29

The Word - Just Don't Do It
The Colbert ReportS5

Teens, sex is as natural as the birds and the bees because you will be stung to death and have your eyes violently pecked out.
06/04/2009
01:57

Wikipedia Bans Scientologists
The Colbert ReportS5

Wikipedia bans Scientologists after finding Tom Cruise's entry listing him as 5'10".
06/04/2009
05:51

Dag Soderberg
The Colbert ReportS5

Dag Soderberg takes the Bible out of the bookshop and onto the coffee table with "Bible Illuminated."
06/04/2009
02:10

Craziest F#?king Thing I've Ever Heard - External Lungs
The Colbert ReportS5

External lungs increase office productivity by allowing employees to send them outside for a smoke break.
06/04/2009
04:04

Operation Iraqi Stephen - John McCain
The Colbert ReportS5

Stephen is thrilled to bring his show to Iraq, and John McCain has a word of advice for the troops.
06/08/2009
04:26

Stephen Strong - Army of Me - Basic Training Pt. 1
The Colbert ReportS5

Stephen doesn't get any special treatment when he participates in 10 full hours of basic training.
06/08/2009
00:24

Sign Off - New Haircut
The Colbert ReportS5

Stephen offers thanks to the U.S.O. for helping him get to Iraq and to General Ray Odierno for his new haircut.
06/08/2009
02:45

Operation Iraqi Stephen - Mysterious Trip
The Colbert ReportS5

It's not a hoax after all -- Stephen mysteriously makes his way to Baghdad, Iraq.
06/08/2009
05:15

Obama Orders Stephen's Haircut - Ray Odierno
The Colbert ReportS5

Under direct orders from Commander-in-Chief Barack Obama, General Ray Odierno shaves Stephen's head.
06/08/2009
04:12

The Word - Why Are You Here?
The Colbert ReportS5

You will all want to remember where you were when you heard Stephen declare victory in Iraq.
06/08/2009
02:36

Operation Iraqi Stephen - S.H.
The Colbert ReportS5

The initials carved into the ceiling and pillars of the Water Palace shouldn't stand for Saddam Hussein anymore.
06/09/2009
05:29

Tareq Salha & Robin Balcom
The Colbert ReportS5

Specialist Tareq Salha and Sgt. Robin Balcom don't look anything like the soldiers from WWII movies.
06/09/2009
05:15

Stephen Strong - Army of Me - Basic Training Pt. 2
The Colbert ReportS5

As much as Stephen doesn't want to admit it, it's time for him to graduate from basic training.
06/09/2009
02:19

Operation Iraqi Stephen - Bill Clinton & AMP Energy
The Colbert ReportS5

Bill Clinton works tirelessly to find a cure for Stephen Colbert, and the back of Stephen's head sells ad space for AMP Energy.
06/09/2009
00:17

Sign Off - Hi, Stephen's Mom
The Colbert ReportS5

The troops say hello to their special ladies.
06/09/2009
04:52

Formidable Opponent - Don't Ask, Don't Tell
The Colbert ReportS5

George H.W. Bush remembers the stars of WWII, and Stephen stresses the importance of the "don't ask, don't tell" policy to Stephen.
06/09/2009
05:30

Lt. Gen. Charles H. Jacoby Jr.
The Colbert ReportS5

Sarah Palin asks the troops to say hi to her son, Track, and Commanding General Charles H. Jacoby Jr. chooses his favorite soldier out of the 130,000.
06/10/2009
07:02

Operation Iraqi Stephen - Tom Hanks Care Package
The Colbert ReportS5

Joe Biden requests a favor, and Tom Hanks and Stephen figure out a way to ship puppies and ice cream to the troops.
06/10/2009
00:05

Sign Off - Head Rub
The Colbert ReportS5

Stephen gets a head rub from a soldier in the audience.
06/10/2009
01:19

Admiral Crunch
The Colbert ReportS5

Stephen identifies with strong military role models because he eats a lot of Admiral Crunch.
06/10/2009
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