The Colbert Report
How Far Good Parents Will Go
Season 5 • 12/08/2009
Only six percent of parents love their kids enough to knock someone over to grab the last toy.
Tip/Wag - Jonas Brothers, Fox News & Japanese Burger KingThe Colbert ReportS5
The Jonas Brothers promote the Xbox 360, Fox News enforces a new accuracy pledge, and Japanese Burger Kings sell a Windows 7 Whopper.
Craziest F#?king Thing I've Ever Heard - Tongue-Eating ParasiteThe Colbert ReportS5
Scientists discover a parasitic fish off the coast of New Jersey that survives by eating and replacing the host's tongue.
Bill T. JonesThe Colbert ReportS5
Bill T. Jones describes how Fela Kuti fought against the Nigerian government with his music.
Intro - 12/7/09The Colbert ReportS5
Stephen inflates his neck pouch to scare off predators and wonders what Disney movie "Fela!" is based on.
Who's Attacking Me Now? - G. Edward DeSeveThe Colbert ReportS5
Stefan Colburt will fight G. Edward DeSeve anywhere in America, like Rhode Island's 65th District.
Fed's Dead - Bernie SandersThe Colbert ReportS5
Bernie Sanders doesn't want the government to run everything, but he calls for a fairer distribution of wealth and income.
Andy SchlaflyThe Colbert ReportS5
Andy Schlafly invites the best of the public to translate the Bible on Conservapedia.
Intro - 12/8/09The Colbert ReportS5
Ben Bernanke may lose his job, and Andy Schlafly creates a conservative version of Wikipedia.
Fed's DeadThe Colbert ReportS5
People like Bernie Sanders want to pull down the Federal Reserve's pantaloons to look at its fiscal naughty parts.
How Far Good Parents Will GoThe Colbert ReportS5
It's sad when only six percent of parents would knock someone over to grab the last toy for their kids.
Sign Off - Goodnight With KrampusThe Colbert ReportS5
Stephen says goodnight as Krampus shakes his rusty chains.
Matt TaibbiThe Colbert ReportS5
Matt Taibbi discusses Goldman Sachs' unprecedented access and influence on the government.
The Blitzkrieg on Grinchitude - Hallmark & KrampusThe Colbert ReportS5
Hallmark encourages people to buy greeting cards instead of presents, and the Christmas Krampus visits Stephen.
Intro - 12/9/09The Colbert ReportS5
The GOP can't decide whether it's white or translucent, and Matt Taibbi says Goldman Sachs controls the government.
Monkey ThreatDown - Holes & Banana Too HighThe Colbert ReportS5
Stephen appeals to the prized monkey demographic by presenting a Monkey ThreatDown.
The Word - Grand Old PurityThe Colbert ReportS5
The GOP must put moderate Republicans in situations that reveal their true beliefs, like in the movie "Saw."
Skate Expectations - Bobsled Team TryoutsThe Colbert ReportS5
Stephen wants to be part of the U.S. bobsledding team, which is comprised of one driver, one brakeman and two human airbags.
Lara LoganThe Colbert ReportS5
Lara Logan weighs in on Obama's complex plan in Afghanistan and explains why Osama bin Laden hasn't been captured.
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