The Colbert Report
The Word - Why Are You Here?
Season 5 • 06/08/2009
The Iraq war won't be over until someone with a lot of balls declares victory.
Intro - 6/4/09The Colbert ReportS5
Wikipedia takes on the Church of Scientology, and the latest on abstinence-only education will be worth the wait.
The Word - Just Don't Do ItThe Colbert ReportS5
Teens, sex is as natural as the birds and the bees because you will be stung to death and have your eyes violently pecked out.
Wikipedia Bans ScientologistsThe Colbert ReportS5
Wikipedia bans Scientologists after finding Tom Cruise's entry listing him as 5'10".
Dag SoderbergThe Colbert ReportS5
Dag Soderberg takes the Bible out of the bookshop and onto the coffee table with "Bible Illuminated."
Craziest F#?king Thing I've Ever Heard - External LungsThe Colbert ReportS5
External lungs increase office productivity by allowing employees to send them outside for a smoke break.
Operation Iraqi Stephen - John McCainThe Colbert ReportS5
Stephen is thrilled to bring his show to Iraq, and John McCain has a word of advice for the troops.
Stephen Strong - Army of Me - Basic Training Pt. 1The Colbert ReportS5
Stephen doesn't get any special treatment when he participates in 10 full hours of basic training.
Sign Off - New HaircutThe Colbert ReportS5
Stephen offers thanks to the U.S.O. for helping him get to Iraq and to General Ray Odierno for his new haircut.
Operation Iraqi Stephen - Mysterious TripThe Colbert ReportS5
It's not a hoax after all -- Stephen mysteriously makes his way to Baghdad, Iraq.
Obama Orders Stephen's Haircut - Ray OdiernoThe Colbert ReportS5
Under direct orders from Commander-in-Chief Barack Obama, General Ray Odierno shaves Stephen's head.
The Word - Why Are You Here?The Colbert ReportS5
You will all want to remember where you were when you heard Stephen declare victory in Iraq.
Operation Iraqi Stephen - S.H.The Colbert ReportS5
The initials carved into the ceiling and pillars of the Water Palace shouldn't stand for Saddam Hussein anymore.
Tareq Salha & Robin BalcomThe Colbert ReportS5
Specialist Tareq Salha and Sgt. Robin Balcom don't look anything like the soldiers from WWII movies.
Stephen Strong - Army of Me - Basic Training Pt. 2The Colbert ReportS5
As much as Stephen doesn't want to admit it, it's time for him to graduate from basic training.
Operation Iraqi Stephen - Bill Clinton & AMP EnergyThe Colbert ReportS5
Bill Clinton works tirelessly to find a cure for Stephen Colbert, and the back of Stephen's head sells ad space for AMP Energy.
Sign Off - Hi, Stephen's MomThe Colbert ReportS5
The troops say hello to their special ladies.
Formidable Opponent - Don't Ask, Don't TellThe Colbert ReportS5
George H.W. Bush remembers the stars of WWII, and Stephen stresses the importance of the "don't ask, don't tell" policy to Stephen.
Lt. Gen. Charles H. Jacoby Jr.The Colbert ReportS5
Sarah Palin asks the troops to say hi to her son, Track, and Commanding General Charles H. Jacoby Jr. chooses his favorite soldier out of the 130,000.
Operation Iraqi Stephen - Tom Hanks Care PackageThe Colbert ReportS5
Joe Biden requests a favor, and Tom Hanks and Stephen figure out a way to ship puppies and ice cream to the troops.
Sign Off - Head RubThe Colbert ReportS5
Stephen gets a head rub from a soldier in the audience.
You may also like5 Videos
Fires and Full Moons Breed a New Terror on Wolf Pack
A California wildfire awakens a werewolf, but a group of curious teens -- once bitten -- will not shy away from the threat of decimation on Wolf Pack, streaming January 26 on Paramount+.
A Familiar Face Returns in Teen Wolf: The Movie
Derek Hale finds himself fighting for his life when a skilled hunter tracks down him and his son Eli in Teen Wolf: The Movie, premiering Thursday, January 26, 2023, on Paramount+.
This Game of M.A.S.H. Is a Real Monster in Cursed FriendsCursed Friends
Four pals must break an evil spell and change their fates when a classic kid's game to predict the future comes back to haunt them in the Comedy Central original movie Cursed Friends.
Out of Office Explores Remote Work AbsurdityOut of Office
A young woman experiences the bizarre extremes of working from home in the film Out of Office, starring Milana Vayntrub, Ken Jeong, Jay Pharoah, Cheri Oteri, Jason Alexander and more.